Unemployed. Yeah!

In June I left Stanford and joined Simply Hired. It was a great move for me.  I was going to be leading three teams: big data, service/ops engineering, and IT.  Two of these areas I know well, the third, big data I had some background, but I was going to need to work at getting up to speed.  It's always great when your employer is paying you to learn, especially if it is in an interesting area. This was a great opportunity for me.

I really liked what I saw in the company. Coworkers that were easy to work with. No bureaucracy... a huge improvement from Stanford. Several times I made suggestions about things I had no responsibility for. The response was always "Oh, that's a good idea.  We will give that a try before the week ends."  Simply Hired had been running for a number of years, but in many ways it was like a one year start-up.  I think this is because several months before I was hired the company's exec staff started the process to reboot the company, improving focus and realign staff which included bring in some senior folks to help mentor and direct a fairly young team.

When I joined Simply Hired, we hoped Libby has several more years of life.  The plan/hope was to work a couple of years, and then stop working to be with and care for Libby. Over the summer Libby's health failed much more quickly than expected. I found myself frequently needing to dash out to check on Libby at home, trips to the doctors office, or the ER.  I found my coworkers supportive and understanding. When it was clear that we were looking at months (turned out weeks) not years, they granted me a leave of absence, even though I had been out of the office more than in, and they were very flexible about bring me back to work.  But after careful consideration, we all thought rather than waiting for me to return (which might not happen), it would be best for a clean separation.

The only problem now is when people ask the question "Who are you, what do you do?", I don't have a clean answer. I think for many of us, a big part of identity comes through our job. I was talking with some people I just met at church a couple of weeks ago.  I was asked about myself. My immediate answer went to work, and it sounded awkward.  "Well, ah, I am trying to quit my job, but it hasn't happened yet."  Well, I have succeeded, so now what do I put on my "card"? Unemployed?  Stay-at-Home Dad?  In Transition?  Middle-Life Crisis Dude?  Grieving Windower?  Seeker?  Nothing really captures the full picture.  For the time being, I think "Stay-at-Home Dad" is the easiest for people to grasp and is the single biggest focus, but that is just one piece of the next year.

Many people have asked me about my plans.  The short summary is that I am going to avoid "work" until 2013. We are blessed to be in a situation where doing this is not a financial strain.  In 2012 I am going to focus on taking care of Helen, taking care of myself, figuring out how to do all the things Libby used to do, and spend some time really exploring what I want to do in the second half of my life. Twice in the last eight years I tried to leave the high tech start-up world to do something radically different. Both times I found myself right back doing the same sorts of things I have been doing for years.  In 2013 what will I be doing?  Not sure yet.  I have a year to dream, explore, experiment. Could be I discover (as I have in the past) that I am made to do the work I have been doing all along and I find myself right back in the world of high tech start-ups with a new energy and renewed vision.  Then again, maybe it's time for a change: maybe doing something with an NGO, some sort of full time ministry, or  back in school preparing for a completely different career. It's a bit scary, but also exciting. Losing Libby has been very hard, but it's also been an encouragement to spend the rest of my days doing things that I deeply love and believe in.  Kevin Kelly's interview about living as if you only had six months has been a real challenge to me. I have been asking the question what if I knew I would only live 6 month, 1 year, 2 years.  What would I do?  How would it change my life?  I don't have any definitive answers yet... but I am pretty sure at least a few things will change.

Libby home with the Lord now

Early this morning Libby went home to be with the Lord.  As in life, she was tenacious in her passing.  It was peaceful, but she fought to stay with us as long as she could.  We already miss her terribly, but are so glad that the suffering is done and that she will never have to cry again, for feel terrible pain.  For the last day U2's "40" has been running through my head... though the phrase "how long" which isn't from Psalm 40 is what I was fixated on.  This morning I read the full Psalm which both comforted me and intensified my grief.

Psalm 40

I waited patiently for the LORD; 

he turned to me and heard my cry. 

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, 

out of the mud and mire; 

he set my feet on a rock 

and gave me a firm place to stand. 

He put a new song in my mouth, 

a hymn of praise to our God. 

Many will see and fear the LORD 

and put their trust in him.

Blessed is the one 

who trusts in the LORD, 

who does not look to the proud, 

to those who turn aside to false gods. 

Many, LORD my God, 

are the wonders you have done, 

the things you planned for us. 

None can compare with you; 

were I to speak and tell of your deeds, 

they would be too many to declare.

Sacrifice and offering you did not desire— 

but my ears you have opened— 

burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require. 

Then I said, “Here I am, I have come— 

it is written about me in the scroll. 

I desire to do your will, my God; 

your law is within my heart.”

proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly; 

I do not seal my lips, LORD, as you know. 

I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; 

I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help. 

I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness 

from the great assembly.

o not withhold your mercy from me, LORD; 

may your love and faithfulness always protect me. 

For troubles without number surround me; 

my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. 

They are more than the hairs of my head, 

and my heart fails within me. 

Be pleased to save me, LORD; 

come quickly, LORD, to help me.

May all who want to take my life 

be put to shame and confusion; 

may all who desire my ruin 

be turned back in disgrace. 

May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!” 

be appalled at their own shame. 

But may all who seek you 

rejoice and be glad in you; 

may those who long for your saving help always say, 

“The LORD is great!”

But as for me, I am poor and needy; 

may the Lord think of me. 

You are my help and my deliverer; 

you are my God, do not delay.

Last hours for Libby?

Gaye, our primary hospice nurse stopped by today, even though it's her day off. She believes based my Libby's breathing patterns and several other indicators that Libby is likely on her last hours. We have been jumping between being unspeakable sad, in a numb disbelief, and brief periods of joy as we remember together what a blessing Libby has been to us all an look forward to her struggle to end with her in Jesus' caring arms. We had a particularly nice bit of time with Gay, Janice, and Jon & Charina as Helen and I shared the story of the 5 bears.

Last night was very tough because Libby was having some trouble breathing and was coughing through the night. Some additional medicine and a repositioning seems to have made her more comfortable. Libby seems to be without pain for which we are very thankful.

We appreciate your prayers.

Mark

quiet and peaceful

Libby's strength is waning.  This is very hard, but we are so grateful that Libby is comfortable and at peace. This is a vast improvement from confusion and restlessness of Tuesday.  We can't begin to than you for your prayers.

Libby's body seems to be giving up the fight.  Her breathing is more erratic, and her limbs are generally not following orders, but Libby seems to be taking it in stride.  Yesterday afternoon we needed to move Libby to change the sheets. We asked if she could move her arm.  Nothing happen, though you could see concentration of her face.  We gave her time because we knew she wanted to try to do it herself.  After a minute or two she shifted her eyes to us.  I knew that look.  There was sadness but also a slight bit of humor.  When something is so absurd that you have to laugh. I asked "You you want us to help you move".  You could see in the eyes and the most slight nod the answer was "Yes please. The traitorous  arm is not following the orders."  Libby has a little Gumby which she tells me is a reminder "to be flexible". We really need to keep this in mind these days.

Even in the midst of this you can tell Libby is still there and listening. Most of the time she is laying back with her eyes closed. But sometimes something that is said as we share the day with her, maybe reading a note from one of you, or a visitor saying hello, or just reminiscing together as a family, her eye pop open and you can tell that she heard and wants to respond, even if she doesn't have the energy to say anything.  The sweetest thing is watching her face.  Until yesterday afternoon the full smile continued to bloom, though she is losing energy for even that.  Last night when Helen kissed her mom before going to bed you could see the smile in her eyes. Libby's lips only came up on one side but you knew it would have been a smile.  When I said goodnight, she tried to pucker her lips for a kiss. The lips didn't do what she wanted, but the message was clear.  This morning Libby still seems comfortable and is resting.  Her eyes are still loving, though she seems to have lost the strength to smile.

We continue to muddle along.  Folks have dropped off food which has been helpful for two reasons.  The first is that it's hard to get excited about cooking, I would rather be keeping Libby company.  Secondly, Libby is a much better cook that me.  I was reminded of that when I made a small cake this morning. The corners were a bit more crisp than they should be, and the middle was a bit softer than ideal... but it is reasonably tasty in will go well with the Grater's ice cream my mom arranged to be delivered here today.  So it will be cake and ice cream rather than our traditional popcorn when we watch NCIS tonight.

--Mark

Philippians 4:4-7

Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say, rejoice! Let everyone see your gentleness. The Lord is near! Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell your requests to God. And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

a brief respite

Today Libby had a good morning and early afternoon.  She had a sense of peace and wasn't confused.  We really appreciate your prayers.

Yesterday was a heartbreaking day.  Libby didn't want to drink anything.  Her breathing was very slow. She was confused and unable to communication without extreme effort. When she wasn't sleeping she seemed like she was in a different world. When people visited she was able to rouse for a minute or two to greet them, sometimes with a couple of mumbled words, sometimes just a look.  Then she  would fall back into the other world or into sleep.

Last night was the first night we had a nurse stay with us overnight as well as the first night Libby slept in the hospital bed that was just delivered. Libby, Helen, and I all slept reasonably well last night, and today has been much better.  The morning started with seeing a double rainbow through the window.  Better still, Libby has been much more alert.  She has even been able to utter several full sentences.  As you might expect, she wasn't inclined to use her energy to clearly ask for things like "I am hot, help me with the blankets", or "I would like to sit up more, please raise the bed". These things we were still left to interpret minute expressions. How did she use her worlds?  To bless others: express appreciate, tell people that she loved them, words from from her heart.  Libby has also been much less confused.  When talking with Libby, you could see the fire behind the eyes, even if the words were brief.

Libby spent the later morning with our friend Alice who have been a great help while I ran Helen to an appointment. This afternoon I read Libby emails, Facebook postings, and Caring Bridge guestbook entries that were left for Libby. She really appreciated the messages sent in by everyone. This was topped off by a Skype video call from our friend Laura who lives in Russia during which Libby found the energy to talk more than she has for several days.

We know that this won't last long, but for the time being, we are really enjoying BEING with Libby.

For the last year Libby has enjoyed  A Guide to Prayer For All Who Seek God. Today was the first day I was able to read the week's devotional to Libby.  I found it very appropriate, so I I will close with it's affirmation from John14:1-3:

Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.  In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. 

goodbyes coming fast

Last night we thought Libby had a couple of weeks.  Things seem to be progressing way faster than we expected.  We believe that we are counting the time remaining in a small number of days.  The hospice nurse observed that they often see with their younger patients that they stay at a high function level for longer, but when their strength fails then go downhill very quickly. This certainly seems to be what's going on.

This has been a very hard day so far.  Helen and I spent a good bit of the afternoon remembering what a blessing Libby has been to us, and reminding Libby how much of a blessing she is to us.  I would ask you to be praying for all of us to have a sense of peace, and confidence that Libby will be seeing something wondrous soon.

Rev 21

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth passed away, and there is no longer any sea. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, made ready as a bride adorned for her husband.  And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be anymourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.” And He who sits on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” And He said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true.”  Then He said to me, “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give to the one who thirsts from the spring of the water of life without cost. 

beginning of goodbyes

A bit more than a week ago  Libby's brother Andy, my sister Marilyn, and my mother Anne flew into town to visit and likely to say goodbye in person.  The following day we have a gathering with around 80 close friends.  We didn't plan a program of any sort, we just wanted to hang out with some dear friends.  We were delighted that a number of our friends who live in the bay area were able to stop by.  Our only regret was not being able to spend more time with each of the people there.  The time was made even more delightful but the appearance of several friends from out of town that we had no idea would be coming.  If that wasn't enough we had some very thoughtful friends who couldn't come (they are in Taiwan and Russia) , but ordered food or flowers which was delivered to the potluck.

The time at the "party" was bittersweet.  It's lovely to see friends and to introduce people who we love to each other.  At the same time, we couldn't escape the fact that this gathering was so Libby could attend one more party with friends, since it's unlikely she will be able to attend any more parties on this earth.

It looks like the timing of the party was fortuitous.  In the week that followed the party we have seen Libby's energy drop significantly. Libby more likely won't have been up for a party the following weekend.  Libby is spending an increasing amount of time either sleeping or resting in quiet.

The hospice folks provided a useful booklet that describes the process that people go through as they are releasing from this life. While none of us can know how much time is left, it seems that Libby is starting to show characteristics of someone whose time is counted in weeks rather than months.

The most pronounced thing is that she is easily confused and is having an increasingly hard time communicating.  At times this has been humorous, we have repeatedly laughed as a family, but it is also heartbreaking.  She is now struggle with a lot of routine tasks.  We have moved her from using a laptop to an iPad because she was finding she couldn't successfully use the laptop.  Windows, Outlook, and the Facebook Web UI were just too confusing.  Libby is still reading these a bit on the iPad but it's unlikely she will have the energy to generating email, Facebook posts, or CaringBridge messages.  I will try to keep things up for her.

People have asked what to pray for.  My request would be calmness and a sense of peace for us.  Three years ago Libby said "I am not done yet".  There were things she felt called to do, to finish.  In the last month or two Libby has had a quiet confidence that she has been able to do what she needed to do.  That God would take care of those things not yet finished.  I can see Libby's confidence in God's love, and that she is looking forward to His warm embrace.  She had a real sense of peace.  In the last few days the difficulties communicating and confusion about what is going on has taken away some of that peace.  We would ask that she recapture the peace she had been feeling.

--Mark

Psalm 8

The Lord’s Glory and Man’s Dignity.

For the choir director; on the Gittith. A Psalm of David. 

1 O Lord, our Lord, 

How majestic is Your name in all the earth, 

Who have displayed Your splendor above the heavens! 

2 From the mouth of infants and nursing babes You have established strength 

Because of Your adversaries, 

To make the enemy and the revengeful cease. 

3 When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, 

The moon and the stars, which You have ordained; 

4 What is man that You take thought of him, 

And the son of man that You care for him? 

5 Yet You have made him a little lower than God, 

And You crown him with glory and majesty! 

6 You make him to rule over the works of Your hands; 

You have put all things under his feet, 

7 All sheep and oxen, 

And also the beasts of the field, 

8 The birds of the heavens and the fish of the sea, 

Whatever passes through the paths of the seas. 

9 O Lord, our Lord, 

How majestic is Your name in all the earth! 

Confirmation that Hospice is Good

Libby and I were introduced to the idea of hospice several years ago by several friends and later learned a bit more from the book Dying Well by Ira Byock.  It seemed to both of us that hospice was a great idea.  That toward the end of life to make sure the quality of the time was maximized, rather than trying to keep life as long as possible, without regard to the dignity of the patient or the quality of their time.  This prospective was reenforced by reading the book Dying Well by Ira Byock.

A few weeks ago Libby switched to hospice when we learned that there were no reasonable treatments left for the brain.  Unfortunately, hospice and insurance tends to be a bit legalistic.  They don't want you to do things like chemo, even if chemo might be the most effective way to manage symptoms and improve quality of life.  There was some hope that chemo for the liver growth might be an effective way to reduce the pain Libby was feeling with minimal side effectives.  We arranged for Libby to start the chemo treatment a day before she switch to hospice knowing that hospice would be OK with finishing a treatment that was already started.

This week we were to assess how much the chemo helped.  If it helped, Libby was going to do one more round.  Unfortunately doing another round of chemo would mean we would have to temporarily pull Libby from the hospice system because you aren't allow to start treatments like chemo and still be considered a hospice patient (e.g. moving to hospice could be considered premature).
This week we got the results about the effectiveness of the most recent round of chemo for the liver.  As far as we can tell, it was completely ineffective.  The liver cancer activity level increased significantly during the chemo treatment.  Thankfully, Libby has very minimal side effects from the chemo, so at least she didn't have a significant drop of quality of life for an ineffective treatments. It is clear more than before that hospice is the right thing.

The hospice folks are great. Everyone we have met views their hospice work as a calling.  They are focused on helping the patient (and family) make the most of the time they have left. The hospice folks have been very understanding about Libby's energy levels. They have been quick to point out ways to save energy (like using a wheel chair and then providing one) so what little energy Libby does have can be invested in things that matter.  A second area they have been really helpful is pain management. For the last three years Libby has been struggling with finding treatments that would relieve her pain while still allowing her to think and function. Thanks to some changes the hospice folks suggested, Libby is now reporting average pain levels of 2 rather than 4 (on the typical 1-10 scale) that she has had for more of the last three years.  We are very thankful for this change because not only is the pain less, but she has more energy for activities.

Last weekend we took a quick trip to happy hollow (san jose zoo) which we hadn't been to in years.  We used a wheelchair so Libby wouldn't get overly tired.  We had a great time remembering Helen's youth.  Helen's first comments were about how she remembered everything being so much bigger.  We had a great time.  In the coming weeks we are looking to do a lot more little things that are fun for our family, but not to taxing for Libby.  Visits (coffee, meals, etc) with friends and family, short trips in the bay area, etc.  Next weekend we will be enjoying some family visiting and a party with friends and the family in town.

new job: metaweb

At the end of July I quit working for Tellme fulltime and starting consulting with a number of companies. The plan was the consulting to be a short term thing until I was able to get a company started with a friend. Long story short, the company didn't look like it was going to come together and a didn't enjoy consulting. There are a lot of start-ups which have recently launched. I chatted with sixteen companies. Most didn't have credible business plans and/or had weak teams. There were a few start-ups which looked interesting, though most didn't fire my imagination. In the end, I joined metaweb which is a a spin-off of applied minds (applied mind featured in newsweek). metaweb is now a free standing, venture funded company. I joined metaweb because the team has a number of people I want to work with, and they have what I think is a "big idea". I can't say a lot about what we are doing, though we are fully web 2.0 buzzword compliant. One big change is that metaweb is the SOMA district of San Francisco. This is the first time in 24 years that work is more than a 30 minute walk from home. Well, actually it is a 25 minute walk, but there is a one hour train ride in the middle of the walking. I am hoping that the time in the train will be good for reading and reflection, something that modern life tends to crowd out.