tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-110663242024-03-05T03:21:32.206-08:00Mark's MusingGlimpses of my life. Thoughts on faith, engineering, community development, and who knows what else.Markhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05519620374494652864noreply@blogger.comBlogger48125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-28218698199746754082018-10-15T21:21:00.003-07:002018-10-16T07:32:14.403-07:00Merging Website and BlogI have updated my personal website and imported all my blogger posts into <a href="https://verber.com/">verber.com</a>. I won't be posting here anymore.Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-32368263391922045022018-08-07T18:06:00.000-07:002018-08-07T18:38:09.987-07:00A Tribute to Doug<div>
Today I was deeply sadden by the news that Doug had succumbed to his three year struggle with cancer. Like many people, and especially Candy, I will miss him, and look forward to seeing him in the next life. As I pedaled my way into work today I couldn’t stop thinking about the powerful influence Doug and Candy had on my life. Here are a number of things that came to my mind.</div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">Help Adapting to the Bay Area</span></div>
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After a number of months living in Palo Alto I found myself feeling frustrated. Doug said “You are suffering culture shock”. I said “that can’t be true, I love it here” Doug then helped me see how there were things in the Bay Area culture that didn’t fit with my values and previous experience. He encouraged me to adjust my expectations, but also to hold onto things that were valuable, even if they didn’t “fit in” with Bay Area culture.</div>
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For example, I was used to spontaneously getting together with people in Columbus. In the Bay Area it seemed like no one was prepared to do something spontaneously. I would suggest getting together with someone, and they would pull out their Day Planner and say “I have 1.5 hours free three thursdays from now at 7pm. Should I pencil you in?” Doug’s response was different. Like others he was often busy, but he said “I would love to join you but I already have something scheduled tonight, but please keep inviting me to do things spontaneously, and please continue to invite others to do things spontaneously because this is something our community needs.” I took Doug’s encouragement to heart in two ways. The first was I continued to invite people to do things spontaneously. Second, I purposely left 2-3 nights unscheduled each week, so there would be room to be available to others when unexpected things came up.</div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">A Model of Trusting People and God</span></div>
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Doug and Candy opened their home for a young couples bible study. Libby and I had been married for ten years, but we were about the same age as everyone in the group, so we decided to give the group a try. Late after the study ended we were talking with Doug and Candy in their kitchen. At the end of the evening Doug said to me. “If you are interested, I lead a Sunday school in the west wing of the church. If you would like to take a turn teaching that group, or here in the couples group, I would be happy to give you a slot”.</div>
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In the church I grew up in this would never happen. You had to prove yourself. When one of the church’s elders switched to our house church, he didn’t start teaching until people in our house church got to know him. How could Doug offer to let me teach having just met me? Doug had seen me interact with people during the couples group and had reason to believe I had a decent grasp of the Bible. Odds was that I would do an adequate job... but more than this, He trusted his God. Doug knew that even if I was a crackpot, that God was bigger than me. If I taught something crazy God would use it for good. He trusted that people would know I was wrong, corrections would be made, and everyone would grow.</div>
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Doug’s trust in the Lord enabled him to extend amazing trust to others. To give broken people extraordinary opportunities to try things, to take risks. Sometimes these things went better than planned. Sometimes they “failed” spectacularly… but people always learned, grew, and God was magnified.</div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">An Authentic Life</span></div>
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As Libby and I got to know people in the young couples group we quickly noticed that there were couples that we were drawn toward, and others than we never got close to. The people we were drawn toward were authentic. Their lives were messy, but they lived with wholeness and honesty. Doug and Candy modeled this authenticity and encouraged others to join them. We watched as a number of couples started to drop their defenses and started to honestly engage with each other, maybe for the first time. I am sure this transformed many lives. I certainly made us feel welcome and encouraged us to “keep it real”.</div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">A Model of Godly Parenting</span></div>
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I grew up in a non-Christian home, as did many of my friends. Many people I saw who grew up in “Christian homes” seemed worse off. They struggled with legalistic and were often extremely hypocritical. I honestly wondered if it might be better to grow up in a non-Christian home.</div>
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Doug and Candy changed my perspective. I saw what a difference parents could make in the lives of their children. I saw how a mature faith could be a blessing to children rather than a lodestone. Candy and Doug models how to love children. Their example gave me the courage to start a family. Their example and words of wisdom made me a better parent.</div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">True Ecumenism</span></div>
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Before getting to know Doug I could be pretty narrow minded when it came to interpreting the Bible and thinking about how a Christian life should be lived. I was happy to tell others how things should be, done, or understood. Doug by example and teaching helps me learn some humility. He helped me see that there are different, but equally valid ways to look at many topics. Sure, there were some absolutes, but then number of these was much smaller than the number of things I was prepared to take a stand on. Doug taught me to understand what was essential, and what was just my opinion. Doug taught me how to extent respect to people who looked at the world a bit differently than I did, and to learn from them. Over the years Doug’s humility and gentile spirit inspired me to find common ground with others, to learn from great authors like Henri Nouwen, and to be able to see the faith journeys of others who were seeking the same Lord I was.</div>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>You then, my child, be strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus, and what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses entrust to faithful men, who will be able to teach others also. Share in suffering as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No soldier gets entangled in civilian pursuits, since his aim is to please the one who enlisted him. An athlete is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules. It is the hard-working farmer who ought to have the first share of the crops. Think over what I say, for the Lord will give you understanding in everything. </i></blockquote>
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<i>Remember Jesus Christ, risen from the dead, the offspring of David, as preached in my gospel, for which I am suffering, bound with chains as a criminal. But the word of God is not bound! Therefore I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they also may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus with eternal glory. The saying is trustworthy, for:<br />If we have died with him, we will also live with him; </i></blockquote>
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<i>if we endure, we will also reign with him;<br />if we deny him, he also will deny us;<br />if we are faithless, he remains faithful—<br />for he cannot deny himself. </i></blockquote>
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-- II Timothy 2:1-13</blockquote>
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Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-20417672132867359322018-08-07T00:55:00.004-07:002018-08-07T23:02:26.341-07:00Retro on from my Shopping Diet<div>
I just finish my second, one year long shopping diet. During the shopping diet I attempted to purchase nothing but food, household consumables like cleaning supplies, and items that wore out like the tires for my bike, light bulbs for the house, or toner for the printer, and gifts for others. I realized three thing which I will expand on below:</div>
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<li>many of my impulses to purchase items are short lived</li>
<li>my shopping and purchasing desires are often driven by ego rather than need</li>
<li>“technology news” is increasingly covert advertising</li>
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<b>Desire are Often Short Lived</b></div>
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As I wrote earlier, I have found a shopping diet very liberating. It seems I am often exposed to “great deals”, “must have products”, etc which would often have me considering purchasing an item which I had no idea I needed or desired minutes before I saw the advertisement or read the “news” story. During the shopping diet I was committed to not purchasing things, so it was much easier to ignore these bids for my attention, especially sales that ran for a limited time.</div>
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Sometimes I wasn’t able to just dismiss the appeal of an item. Rather than break my diet, I would drop the item into a wishlist and then put it out of my mind. This week I finished my diet and looked at the wishlist accumulated over the last year. I immediately was able to dismissing nearly 2/3 the items on the list. A “cooling off” period from my initial purchase impulse allowed me to I realized that I had no need or lasting desire for many of the items. There were a few were items I choose to purchase. There was a small number of items that remained on my wishlist because they will likely be useful in the future, but they are not immediately needed.</div>
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<b>Shopping can be Drive by Ego</b></div>
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One item on the wishlist I dismissed was the very pricy <a href="http://www.shure.com/americas/kse1500">shure kse1500</a> electrostatic headphone system. Finding this on my wishlist surprised me. A few years ago I decided that a pair of Sennheiser H800 headphones driven by a Chord Mojo DAC was my “end-game” headphone system. I had listened to, and owned better sounding headphone systems, but the sound quality didn’t justify the investment given how often I used headphones. I would rather use speakers so Jackie and I can enjoy the music together. Why was I tempted to purchase some pricy headphones that I wouldn’t use that much? I realized there were several reasons.</div>
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The first reason I considered purchased these headphone was driven by my curiosity. I was interested to see if these headphones were as wonderful as reviews suggested, and how my perceptions compared to the people who wrote such positive reviews. Second, I was experiencing a bit of FOMA… what if these reviews were correct? Maybe I was missing out of some amazing sounding headphones which could bring me musical bliss. Third, these appealed to an imagined future life which allowed me to have superior sound quality while having great freedom of movement. Unfortunately, while all three of these reasons made purchasing these headphone attractive, that was an even stronger reason these headphones had ended up on my shopping list. I wanted to be an expert consumer.</div>
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I realize I take a fair bit of my identity from having good taste and from having a comprehensive knowledge of a product space. I felt compelled to find “the very best” items. Over the years I have created a number of web pages which included a survey of well regard products where I share what I have learned. I tell myself I am making these lists to help others, but I think it’s primarily driven by ego. A way to show how smart I am. To demonstrate I have good taste and know what is world class.</div>
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When I think about the legacy I want to leave, it’s not that I am an expert consumer, it’s that I have made this world a better place and had a positive impact on people I encounter. Being an expert consumer is not something that significantly advances either of these things. I don’t want to spend my time refining my ability to be a good consumer. I don’t want to invest countless hours creating and then maintaining web pages about products that people consume. Going forward I plan of avoiding spending my time writing product reviews or maintaining product lists, and instead spend my time investing in people.</div>
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<b>Tech New is Advertising</b></div>
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This experience has also made me see how insidious advertising has become. It seems that many of the news outlets, blogs, twitter feeds etc which used to feature information seem to be filled with “reviews” and "news" which promotes consumer products. For example, I recently noticed than almost 1/3 of the articles in lifehacker are able products which are now on sale. Maybe it's always been that way and I am just noticing this trend, but I think this is a new thing. I am seeing the same trend, if not an even higher percent of storing in other outlets. For example, why is there an articles about the 2018 Miata getting a boast in horsepower in a blog about computer technology. I am sure several of the articles I see area really paid “product placement”. In the next few months I am going to see if I can modify my news sources and filtering rules to be more about important ideas and technologies, and less about new consumer products that someone thinks I should buy.</div>
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As for the rich in this present age, charge them not to be haughty, nor to set their hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy. They are to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share, thus storing up treasure for themselves as a good foundation for the future, so that they may take hold of that which is truly life.</blockquote>
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I Timothy 6:17-19</div>
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Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-59657359916636209132018-01-31T15:10:00.000-08:002018-07-05T14:34:43.597-07:00Health and Fitness in One Page<div>
Over the last six years I have tried to answer the question "What is a Healthy Lifestyle?". The following is a brief summary of what I have learned. By applying what I have learned I am in better condition in my 50s than I was in my 20s. In the coming months I will do longer posts that look at each of these areas in more detail.<br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">Sleep At Least 7 Hours</span></div>
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There is ever <a href="https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/10-reasons-why-good-sleep-is-important">increasing evidence</a> that sleep is absolutely critical to a mentally and physically healthy life. It is believed healthy adults need between 7-9 hours of quality sleep each night and children require even more sleep. While we don’t yet fully understand all of the ways sleep impacts our health, there are a number of important processes that <i>primarily activate</i> while you sleep, particularly during the deep, delta wave stage such as:</div>
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<li>Release of <a href="https://www.tuck.com/athletes/">human growth hormone</a> which is critical to fighting the effects of aging and repairing damage</li>
<li>The <a href="https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/news/story/3956/to-sleep-perchance-to-clean.aspx">glymphatic system</a> clears toxins and "trash" from the brain which are likely responsible for Alzheimer’s disease and other neurological disorders.</li>
<li><a href="https://scholar.google.com/scholar?q=memory+hippocampus+to+the+prefrontal+cortex">Interplay between the hippocampus and the prefrontal cortex</a> which is critical to long term memory</li>
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I experienced the importance of sleep first hand when my body rebelled after a nine month period when I was averaging less than 4 hours of sleep / night. It took years for me to fully recover. I was further convinced of the importance of sleep by the book <i><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Promise-Sleep-Medicine-Connection-Happiness/dp/0440509017">The Promise of Sleep</a> </i>written by one of the pioneers in sleep research. Since this book was published there have been numerous studies that only strength the case for sleep. </div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">Eat Healthy Foods</span></div>
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Lifehacker’s <a href="https://vitals.lifehacker.com/the-only-three-things-everybody-agrees-on-when-it-comes-1709039566">the only</a> <a href="https://vitals.lifehacker.com/the-only-three-things-everybody-agrees-on-when-it-comes-1709039566">three things everybody agrees on</a> is a good starting point when developing a healthy diet. I would elaborate / expand their list slightly</div>
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<li>Eat as many non-starchy vegetables as you can, especially those that have deep colors. The caloric density of these vegetables is small enough that you will not eat too much. The vegetables are packed with health promoting micro nutrients and good quality nutritional building blocks. This will also get your fiber consumption up to an healthy level. <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/01/science/food-fiber-microbiome-inflammation.html">Fiber is critical to your micro-biome health.</a></li>
<li>Limit or avoid highly processed food including bread, pasta, fruit juices. A combined Stanford and NIH study found that when it come to weight lose, the <a href="https://examine.com/nutrition/low-fat-vs-low-carb-for-weight-loss/">quality of food was the single most important factor</a>.</li>
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<li>Minimize the sugar in your diet, and eliminate any products that have added sugar. There has been significant evidence since the 1960s that sugar is directly linked to a number of health issues including heart disease.</li>
<li>Eliminate all “foods" which are high in trans-fats. There is significant evidence that trans-fats have only negative impacts to health.</li>
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<li>If you eat meat, focus on cold water fish and free-range / grass fed animals</li>
<li>If you need additional calories: eat whole foods such as beans, lentils, nuts, or fresh fruits. </li>
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A great resource for thinking about healthy eating is <a href="https://www.reframehealthlab.com/healthyeating/">Reframe Health Lab's Healthy Eating</a> page which contains links to a short screencast and several resources available on the Internet.</div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">Stay Active… Move! Get some Exercise.</span></div>
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Our bodies are made to move and our brains are made to direct that movement. One of the most natural and health promoting activities is walking. We should <a href="https://www.reframehealthlab.com/23-and-12-hours/">walk at least 30 minutes</a> each day, ideally walking several hours to accumulating 17,000 steps / day. Besides the physical benefits, walking engages our brain, strengthen our creativity, and ability to focus.</div>
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Vigorous exercise has many positive impacts. It helps control stress hormones, strength the circulatory systems and metabolic systems. It is often recommended that we should engage in at least 30 minutes of physical activities that raise your heart rate to above 80% maximum 3-5 times a week, with 2-3 of these exercise periods to include strength exercises. There is a growing body of evidence that suggests a high intensity interval training (HIIT) program could produces the same results in 30 minutes /week what more traditional aerobic training programs accomplish in 90-300 minutes.<br />
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<b>Push Beyond Your Physical Comfort Zone</b><br />
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Humans are the most adaptable species on the planet. Our adaptability comes from our bodies natural ability to physiologically adapt to highly varied conditions as well as our ability to transform the environment we live in. Civilization has favored adapting our environment to provide a "comfortable" experience rather than encouraging people to exercise their physiological adaption "muscles". I believe we need to periodically move outside our comfort zones so our body doesn't "forget" how to adapt to changes. Example of the adaptability we should cultivate:<br />
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<li><a href="https://blog.bulletproof.com/hiit-hack-your-muscles-happiness-and-creativity-in-one-go/">High Intensity Interval Training</a> (HIIT) produces better performance improvements than more static training in short periods of time.</li>
<li>Short duration exposure to heat (sauna) and cold (ice baths) improves overall health in numerous ways</li>
<li>Periodic fasting reset several human systems and can be an effective treatment for several conditions.</li>
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Thanks to Paul Roy to mentioning that something should be added... </div>
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<b><br /></b><b>Practice Mindfulness</b></div>
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There is a growing body of scientific evidence, not to mention millennia of traditions / wisdom that a intentional mindfulness in the form of meditation or contemplative prayer literally re-wire our brains for the good producing improved physical and mental health. There is stunning imagery from fMRI scans while people practices these disciplines showing changes in the areas of the brain that are activated. Mindfulness can improve empathy and gratitude which in turn leads to more joy in everyday life which results in a significant protective effect to health. Gratitude and joy, unlike happiness are not dependent on external circumstances, but rather are an internal response which we can choose. Though I am not Catholic, I found the <a href="https://www.ignatianspirituality.com/ignatian-prayer/the-spiritual-exercises">Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius</a> to be very helpful. A while ago I wrote about how start with the <a href="https://verber.blogspot.com/2005/11/improve-human-condition-start-with.html">mind and spirit might be the best way to improve the human condition</a>.<br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">Have Strong Social Connections</span></div>
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The Harvard / MassGeneral <a href="http://www.massgeneral.org/psychiatry/research/adult_dev_study.aspx">Adult Development Study</a> started in 1939 has studying the the lives of two cohorts and now their children found that one of the strongest predictors of a healthy (and happy) life was an individual's <a href="https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good_life_lessons_from_the_longest_study_on_happiness">quality of social relationships</a>. Researcher Susan Pinker found that the <a href="https://www.ted.com/talks/susan_pinker_the_secret_to_living_longer_may_be_your_social_life">secret to living longer may be your social life</a> due to the correlation between social connections and people who are 100+ years old.<br />
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Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.</div>
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I Corinthians 6:19-20</div>
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Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-69083901610568343612018-01-07T23:27:00.002-08:002018-08-07T22:23:45.224-07:00Great Stuff for Me and Maybe You: 2018 list of gear and clothing for life<div>
<a href="https://www.becomingminimalist.com/find-a-rational-minimalism-that-works-for-you/">Minimalism</a> led me to <a href="https://verber.blogspot.com/2018/01/simplifying-stuff-my-journey-into_7.html">simplify my stuff</a>, keeping just the items that are <b>regularly used and give me joy</b>. I considered taking the <a href="http://davidmichaelbruno.com/">100 Items Challenge</a>, but decided I would be too focused on curating stuff rather living a meaningful life. I am following an organic process... holding on to things that are adding value to my life and remove those that are a distraction.</div>
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Here is a list of <i>all</i> my possessions excluding our family's furniture and kitchen. Items in <b>bold</b> are exceptionally great... I regularly finding myself telling people about them. I am happily use items marked with “*”, but they won't be replaced if lost. Making this list was originally inspired by <a href="https://zenhabits.net/lightly/">one bag lifestyle</a> and <a href="http://tynan.com/?search=gear%20post">Tynan’s Gear</a> posts. I hope this list might encourage others to surround themselves with items that truly bring them joy and remove items that are a burden... and not to encourage people to just consume more. My travel <a href="http://www.verber.com/mark/travel/packing.html#markpacking" target="_blank">packing list</a> is a subset of what's in this post.</div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">Everyday Carry Items</span><br />
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<a href="https://buy.garmin.com/en-US/US/p/564291">Garmin 935 Watch</a>: is a do everything watch which is light enough that I don’t mind wearing it everyday. It has decent integration with my phone and provides every fitness and activity tracking feature I want. I appreciate the alert on the watch when it loses bluetooth connection with it's paired phone that reduces the likelihood of leaving the phone behind. The <a href="https://buy.garmin.com/en-US/US/p/571520" target="">Garmin Vivoactive3</a> is a cheaper, smaller, and more attractive alternative if you don't want to track multi stage events and are willing do without some of the more advanced fitness metrics. Suunto Spartan Trainer is a lowest cost decent triathlon watch. I love the integration between iOS and the iWatch, but the combination of it's poor battery life, touchscreen interface that doesn't respond to sweaty fingers, and accuracy recording high excursion exercise stopped me from using an iWatch I won in a raffle. Years ago I started with Fitbit, the eco-system is nice, but I was disappointed using any of the models for more than basic activity tracking. I think Garmin is superior at every price point. For someone looking for an inexpensive smartwatch I would recommend the Amazfit Bip which is often on sale for $69. Decent phone integration / notifications, warns you when you loose connection with your phone (why doesn't the iWatch do this yet?!!), always on display, great battery life: 4 days if using all the feature and some runs using GPS to >30 days if you don't use GPS and display updates 1/minute. Only downside is the heart rate sensor is extremely poor, often off by +/-25% making it completely useless. <a href="https://www.dcrainmaker.com/">Ray Maker's Buyer's Guide</a> is an incredible resource for anyone who need good recommendations / reviews related to Tri gear (cycling, running, swimming).<br />
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<a href="https://www.flowfold.com/product/minimalist-limited-card-holder-wallet">Flowfold Minimalist Wallet</a> which holds my IDs, credit cards, and a few bills taking up minimal space. The <a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00TVBOL6S/_">Nomatic Wallet</a> is another good minimalist wallet.</div>
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<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000ZPIROG">Uni-ball Vision Micro-Point Rollerball Pen</a> and <a href="https://www.post-it.com/3M/en_US/post-it/">Post-It Notes</a> for jotted down ideas until I can get them into an electronic system.<br />
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<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FNFXQS/">Victorinox Rambler Pocket Knife</a> is the smallest, most usable tool I have found with a phillips head & flat screwdriver, scissors, knife, bottle opener, and nail file. Even though the blade is tiny, TSA will confiscate this knife. When flying I switch to a <a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0001EFSTI/">Swiss+Tech Utili-Key</a> which is not as usable as the Rambler, but for years has made it through TSA checkpoints without being confiscated.<br />
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<a href="https://www.apple.com/iphone/">Apple iPhone</a> 6 on Verizon. At some point I will switch to a new iPhone for a significantly improved camera so I don't need to carry a second device. Apple’s iOS usability used to be superior to Android, but Android has <span style="font-style: italic;">mostly</span> caught up except for management of audio I noted with the Pixel 2 below. I continue to use an iPhone because the rest of my family is in the Apple eco-system (iMessage, Photo sharing, iTunes, etc) and I like it's more security oriented stance. I continue to use Verizon because I find their coverage best in the places I spend my time. Verizon is "overpriced", but I value working coverage over saving money.</div>
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<b><a href="https://www.apple.com/airpods/">Apple AirPods</a> </b> have decent sound quality while letting in ambiance noise providing situational awareness, stays in place during the most vigorous exercise, no wires to get tangled, has good user interface with Apple products (would be perfect if I could change volume) and ok with others, acceptable sound quality, the ear buds run 5 hour, fully recharges in 20 minutes, with a carry case which can recharge them 4-5 times. With Apple products they just work! They aren't rated for water resistance, but after more than a year of using them while sweating heavily, rides and runs in the rain they continue to function flawlessly.</div>
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<a href="http://www.zojirushi.com/app/product/smkhe"><b>Zojirushi Double Walled Mug</b></a> (1 + 1*) can easily be used one handed, locks so it doesn’t open accidentally, pours at the perfect speed, the mouth is wide enough for ice cubes, and best of all does a better job insulating than any other double walled mug I have used. Liquids stay fairly warm or cold for up to 24 hours. I have a silver colored mug. I often misplaced it at work. When it was misplaced for more than a week, I purchased a replacement thinking it was lost for good. Realizing findability was important, I purchased a Deep Cherry color mug which is much easier to spot across the room. After several weeks I found my original Silver mug. Now I have the Red mug which lives at work, and the silver which I use when not at work. Zojirushi makes a number of other excellent styles of mug and Snowpeak makes a beautiful <a href="https://snowpeak.com/collections/flasks-bottles/products/titanium-350-kanpai-bottle?variant=671173609">Titanium double walled mug</a>.</div>
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Tech "Survival Kit" which is stored in a small <a href="https://www.tombihn.com/collections/accessories/products/mesh-organizer-pouch?variant=16620957127" target="_blank">mesh pouch</a>. <a href="https://www.amazon.com/RAVPower-Portable-flashlight-Technology-more-Blue/dp/B01N19GVJE">RAVpower Portable Charger/Flashlight</a> is small enough to fit in my pocket while proving power to recharge my phone. <a href="https://www.amazon.com/AUKEY-Charger-COMPACT-Foldable-Samsung/dp/B00Q873I3K">Aukey Ultra Compact USB Charger</a> is one of the smallest chargers with two slots and up to 2.4A amps. 6” USB Lightning, USB micro, USB mini, and USB-C cables with some adaptor tips which let me connect pretty much any two USB devices. A Lightning to HDMI converter. A USB thumb drive because sometimes I need to transfer / store files.</div>
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<a href="https://www.apple.com/macbook-pro/">Macbook 13" Pro Laptop</a>. I have tried using tablets but still find myself prefering a real laptop. I would love to find a lighter and more compact laptop, but I like 13” screens, and am still pretty much committed to OSX because it has the applications I use and the good integration with iOS devices.<br />
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<a href="https://matadorup.com/products/matador-freerain24-backpack">Matador Freerain24</a> is a nicely designed daypack which: carries well even when running, weights only 5.5oz, easily folds into it's own pocket, and keeps contents dry even in the worst rain. I actually own a <a href="https://thepnw.co/">PNW Sea to Sky Waterproof Backpack</a> which is a ripoff of the Freerain24.</div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">Home Electronics (Mostly No Pictures)</span></div>
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<a href="https://roonlabs.com/">Roon software</a> isn't really an item, but it effected many of my decisions related to audio playback. Roon integrates my iTunes library which is made up of CDs ripped using ALAC codex with the TIDAL streaming service to provide loseless audio to multiple speakers around the house. Roon would be perfect if the remote clients supported off-line caching of music so playlists and favorite music was accessible when out of the house, and was a bit less buggy (it sometimes stops playing which requires me to restart the app on my Macintosh). I carry music on my phone by exporting play lists from Roon to TIDAL, and then use the Tidal client on my iPhone to do offline playback. If I didn't care so much about sound quality I would be using Spotify which would make everything simpler.<br />
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<a href="http://us.kef.com/ls50-wireless">KEF LS50 wireless monitor speakers</a> with a built in DAC and amplifier designed for the speakers. Good quality sound that fills a room, excellent for near field use in a nicely designed, compact package. Can take TOSlink, USB, Bluetooth, analog, and several IP based streaming protocols inputs over ethernet or WiFi. Roon can stream directly to it over the network, but it's not Roon-Ready so can't be synchronized with other Roon-Ready systems. The iOS remote application is poor. I drive the LS50 via USB on a computer running Roon which remove the need for the KEF remote and the speakers can be synchronized with other Roon Ready end-points giving me whole house music. I still prefer the sound quality of electrostatic speakers with audiophile grade full electronics, but I am happy that I downsized my <a href="https://www.verber.com/mark/ce/stereo.html">stereo</a> so I could focus on other things.</div>
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<a href="http://www.bluesound.com/en-us/products/pulse-flex/">Pulse Flex Wireless Speaker</a> allows me to have syncronized whole house music since it's Roon Ready. It also supports inputs via USB, Bluetooth, AUX, a number of streaming services like Spotify, and many free sites via URIs. Has a decent iOS and Android remote control app. Controls on the top let you select one of 5 user-defined “channels” without using the remote. I have the optional battery pack so it can be used in our backyard. It can be used away from it's home, but you have to reconfigure it's WiFi settlings which is a pain. Sound quality is significantly less than KEF LS50. For people who aren't using Roon, I would recommend Sonos: for it's lower price point, better streaming options, and slightly more processed sound quality which everyone but audio purists like me typically prefer.</div>
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<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01D8C6ULO/">Anker 60W PowerPort+ 5</a> with 1 USB-C and 4 traditional USB ports has enough ports to charge every device I use on a daily basis including my 13” MacBook Pro. When MacBook isn’t being charged can rapidly charge all my devices.</div>
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<a href="http://www.lacrossetechnology.com/products/specialty-items/battery-chargers">La Crosse Battery Charger</a> which does a great job charging any combination of 1-4 AA or AAA batteries.</div>
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<a href="https://www.panasonic.com/global/consumer/battery/eneloop/lineup.html">Eneloop Pro Batteries</a> are the best rechargeable batteries I have found. Near maximum capacity for the form factor while retaining most of their charge for months.<br />
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<a href="https://olightworld.com/led-flashlights/all-flashlights/olight-i3s-eos">Olight I3S EOS Flashlight</a>* is slightly larger than the single AAA battery which powers it. Selectable output of 8,50,80 lumens permits the user to make a trade-off of runtime vs brightness. The combination of the flash on my Phone and the RAVpower Portable Charger/Flashlight rendered this flashlight unnecessary, but when I take walks around the neighborhood at night I find myself reaching for this tiny light.<br />
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<a href="http://www.brother-usa.com/MFC/ModelDetail/4/mfcj880dw/Overview">Brother MFC-J880W</a> Multifunction Printer, Scanner, Fax, Copier has been a reliable device for me unlike several other multi-function devices which failed within a year. WiFi enabled, supports AirPrint, Google Print, and several other standards.</div>
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<a href="https://store.google.com/us/product/google_wifi?hl=en-US">Google WiFi Mesh</a> network access points easily install and just work when you have an area than a single WiFi router isn’t sufficient. There may be faster / more featureful options out there, but the Google devices work flawlessly and are visually appealing.<br />
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<a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00OQVZDJM">Kindle PaperWhite</a>* lets me carry the majority of my library with me and every book can be displayed with large print for my aging eyes. Love being able to quickly search for notes / hi-lighted passages. I miss physical books and knowledge retention with paper books is still better than when using an e-reader, but the connivence of the Kindle outweighs this for me. I often use the Kindle reader on my phone, but the larger display surface of the Paperwhite, much longer battery life, and usability in sunlight means the PaperWhite goes on most trips I take.</div>
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<a href="http://www.lg.com/us/tvs/lg-OLED55B6P-oled-4k-tv">LG OLED55B6P SmartTV</a>* purchased for the family movie night and other group activities that use a screen. I would be content using the screen on my laptop or even iPhone for the occational video streaming I watch. That said, the picture quality is amazing and the webOS based controls work well.<br />
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<a href="https://www.westone.com/store/music/index.php/custom-series/es-series/">Westone</a> 5ES custom In-ear-monitors (IEM) with excellent sound quality and comfortable enough to wear on 14 hour flights. They reduce noise by 35db which makes travel much less fatiguing for me while being much smaller and having better sound quality than active noise canceling headphones. I got them well below retail, otherwise I would still be using a cheaper universal IEM such as the <a href="https://www.etymotic.com/consumer/headset-earphones/hf3.html">etymotics hf3</a>. Stored in a medium size <a href="http://www.humangear.com/gear/gotubb">HumanGear GoTubb</a> with adapters.</div>
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<a href="http://en-us.sennheiser.com/high-resolution-headphones-3d-audio-hd-800-s">Sennheiser HD800 Headphones</a>* for when I want very high quality sound and don't want to bother others too much (sound does leak). These are the second best sounding pair of headphones I have ever used, at 1/3 the cost of the best (Stax SR-009) and 1/5 the cost of similar quality speakers. They are best driven by high priced amplifiers such as the Headamp GSXmk2, but the HD800 can sounds great driven by reasonably priced components. I have written about other <a href="http://www.verber.com/mark/ce/headphones.html">headphones</a>.</div>
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<a href="http://chordelectronics.co.uk/mojo/">Chord Mojo DAC</a>* offers a nice design, good quality sound, good price / performance ratio, portability, has enough power to happily drive Sennheiser HD 800, and has an internal battery which enables it be driven via USB from phones and portable DAPs. I have written about <a href="http://www.verber.com/mark/ce/headphones.html#DAC">other DACs</a>.</div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">Travel and Activities</span><br />
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<a href="https://www.tombihn.com/products/synapse-25">Tom Bihn Synapse-25 Backpack</a> is my travel luggage. Wonderfully designed with just the right amount of organizational features. Large enough for nearly every trip I have taken, while small enough that it fits under every seat I have used and has never been viewed as “luggage” by transportation operators. The laptop cache works brillantly.</div>
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<a href="http://www.patagonia.com/product/lightweight-travel-courier-15-liters/48813.html">Patagonia Ultralight Courier Bag</a>* is perfect size for day use and compact enough that I can pack it away in my backpack when moving between towns. Easy access without taking it off, in hot weather maximized ventilation, and can be used at the same time that I am carrying a backpack.</div>
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Water Bottle Sling Nancy brought back from South America. Great for days I just need water and nothing else. Sometimes borrow my wife's <a href="https://www.chicobag.com/category-bottle-sling-repete-139">Chico Water Bottle Sling</a> because it's more compact while holding my water bottle + my umbrella or windbreaker.</div>
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<a href="https://www.montbell.us/products/disp.php?cat_id=14073&p_id=1128550">Montbell Trekking Umbrella</a> has the best balance I have found between small/light and canopy size. It has survived fairly strong wind/rain storms. In warm to hot weather much more comfortable than wearing a rain jacket.</div>
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<a href="https://www.packtowl.com/ultralite-towel">PackTowel Ultralight</a> (Bodysize/XL) dries amazingly quickly, is compact, and is very effective. The XL is large enough that I can wrap it around my waist like a small sarong. For awhile I used a medium/face size which packs in a tiny space. I found the face size <i>sufficient</i> for me to dry myself after a swim or shower, but I am willing to carry a larger towel for the added versatility and ease of use.<br />
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<a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/B001MWRSAK">TYR Corrective Optical Performance Goggles</a> so that I can actually see when I am swimming. I keep the goggles with a generic swimming cap because some pools require them, and small combination lock.</div>
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<a href="https://www.stryd.com/">Stryd</a> Footpad captures workout intensive better than using pace or heart rate. The Garmin <a href="https://www.dcrainmaker.com/2017/03/garmins-running-dynamics-pod-rd-pod-everything-you-ever-wanted-to-know.html">Running Dynamics Pod</a> might be a cheaper way to get the same sort of data. The <a href="https://runscribe.com/">RunScribe Plus</a> now syncs to Garmin and other eco-systems and might provide more actionable insights about running form that other running power meters.</div>
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<a href="https://www.wahoofitness.com/devices/heart-rate-monitors/wahoo-tickr-x-heart-rate-strap">Wahoo Tickr X</a> Heart Rate Strap because optical heart rate monitors aren’t sufficiently accurate for HRV measurements and aren’t responsive enough to track interval training. I mostly use it as a basic HRM, but if you use the Wahoo fitness app there are a number of other metrics that it can record. There are plenty of good HRM including Garmin’s Tri HRM which can be worn swimming and the Viiiva HRM which can be used to bridge other sensors between BlueTooth and ANT+. These days I mostly use Power rather than heart rate to track intensity, and the optical HRM on my Garmin 935 is <i>almost</i> good enough to replace the strap.</div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">Clothing</span><br />
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<a href="http://www.buffwear.com/buff-adult-headwear/polar-buff">PolarBuff</a> is a versatile item which can be used as a neck cozy, balaclava, beanie, hair band, and in a number of other configurations. I typically use it as a beanie.</div>
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<a href="https://www.tilley.com/us_en/ltm2-airflo-hat.html">Tilley LTM2 Hat</a> provides good sun protection while offering decent ventilation. I think it’s one of the more stylish hats which provides good sun protection. My wife says I am wrong... that my SunRunner is better looking, but is willing to put up with me wearing this hat when the sun is big.<br />
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REI eVENT Rain Hat (not shown): a discontinued ball cap made from waterproof/breathable eVENT. Used when hiking or running when I know it's going to be raining.<br />
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<a href="https://www.outdoorresearch.com/us/en/gear/hats/sun/sun-runner-cap/p/2434330002007">OR SunRunner Cap</a>* (not shown) ball cap with a removal veil that is very packable. Downside is that it looks a bit silly when used with the veil and air flow when using the veil is less than when I wear the Tilley. I use this hat when I want some shade for my eye but don't need a full brim, when I need a hat that's more compact than a Tilley, or when I forgot to grab the Tiley hat (the SunRunner lives in the trunk of my wife's car).</div>
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<a href="http://www.mountainhardwear.com/grub-glove-1552661.html">Mountain Hardware Grub Gloves</a> (not shown) medium weight PowerStretch gloves with a quilted mitten cover which folds away into the back of the glove making it comfortable to wear in a wide variety of conditions.</div>
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<a href="http://shop.outlier.cc/shop/retail/slim-dungarees.html" style="text-align: center;"><b>Outlier Slim Dungarees</b></a><span style="text-align: center;"> (5) softshell pants in the style of jeans. Wonderful fit, looks good, excellent mobility. Thanks to the NanoSphere treatment very stain and water resistant. They are perfect except when it's >80F and I am active. They seem pricy, but the per day cost of wearing is about the same as denim jeans. Maker & Rider makes a nice alternative.</span></div>
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<span style="text-align: center;">BPL Thorofare Trekking Pants (not shown and no longer made which is a shame) are ultralight, ultra-compact pants which are surprisingly weather resistant, quick drying, and feel comfortable against the skin. They aren't used in day-to-day life. I used them for cool weather backpacking and on trips where the weather is perfect for shorts (e.g. too hot for the Outliers) and I will need to wear long pants to be culturally appropriate. When the Thorofare pants wear out I will replace them something like </span><span style="text-align: center;">Royal Robin Global Traveler, Patagonia </span>Quandary, or ArcTeryx Rampart pants.</div>
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White Dress Shirt purchased to be worn with suit or blazer when more formal clothing is required.</div>
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Pink Button Down Shirt* for when my wife wants me to wear something at is a bit different than normal (for me).</div>
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Black Checked Button Down Shirt* for when my wife wants me to wear something nicer than a tee-shirt but less than a suit, white shirt, and tie.</div>
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<a href="https://woolandprince.com/collections/dress-shirts/products/dress-shirt-blue-oxford">Wool and Prince Blue Oxford Shirt</a>* (not shown) is a blue dress shirt my wife loves. Crisp look and a slim fit while still having all the advantages of 100% wool.</div>
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<a href="http://www.icebreaker.com/en/mens-hoodies">Icebreaker Wool Hoodie</a>: (4) Oasis 200wt merio wool hoodie with 1/4 length zipper. Worn when it gets too cool to wear just a tee-shirt. Icebreaker seems to have discontinued this model.</div>
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<a href="http://www.patagonia.com/product/mens-capilene-thermal-weight-zip-neck-hoody/43667.html"><b>Patagonia Capilene Thermal Weight Hoody</b></a> for cool/cold weather outdoor activities. Without wind protection the grid weave lets air flow through letting heat vent out. With a shell it insulates well. Comfort down to 30F when running without a shell, below that with a shell. When walking keeps me comfortable down to 40F when combined with a wind shirt. I am reasonably comfortable engage in high energy activities when it's 65F by fully opening the zipper and pushing the sleeves up to my elbows. Dries amazingly quickly and feels more comfortable than any other shirt I have used when it's wet.<br />
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<a href="https://www.montbell.us/products/disp.php?p_id=2303120">Montbell Tachyon Windshirt</a> is a 1.8 ounce wind shirt that can be compressed into something slightly larger than a cliff bar. Windshirts, especially when combined with a air permeable middle layer provide comfort over a huge range of conditions. I could use my Norvan SL as a wind jacket, but given the durability/expense of the Norvan it makes sense to use a cheaper jacket when I don't need rain protection plus the Tachyon is lighter, more breathable and packs more compactly.<br />
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<a href="https://arcteryx.com/fr/en/shop/mens/Norvan-SL-Hoody">ArcTeryx Norvan SL Rain Jacket</a> is one of the lightest, most breathable rain jacket currently available. I can actually wear it comfortably jogging in cool, rainy weather. I have been using mine for more than a year without any durability issues, but people who aren’t as careful as me might have issues. The first jacket I owned had a defective zipper which leaked in the rain. ArcTeryx replace my jacket free of charge (and offered to switch me to the heavier and more expensive Norvan since even the replacement Norvan SL’s zipper is only water resistant, not waterproof). I stuck with the SL because I preferred it’s fit, feel, breathability and the SHAKEDRY fabric. The zippers still leak a bit in heavy rains but I think the breathability offsets this. Rumor is that ArcTeryx is going to rework the zipper at some point. There are a number of good alternatives which have breathability that's approaching the Norvan SL, are light weight, and more durable such as Hyper Mountain Gear "The Shell" and Westcomb's Focus LT. There is a large number of cheaper rain jackets, but I haven't found anything that provides enough breathability for me to use them comfortably when hiking. I found the original <a href="http://o2rainwear.com/2011/03/original-hooded-jacket/">O2 Rain Jacket</a> to be one of the cheapest and most breathable jackets for people who don't care about fit or looks and don't need off-trail durability.<br />
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<a href="http://www.zpacks.com/accessories/wpb_pants.shtml">Zpacks Vertice Rain Pants</a> are simple, light, breathable, waterproof rain pants. Used when commuting by bike, hiking, or backpacking in the rain.</div>
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North Face TKA80 (not shown): Fleece which is lighter weight and less bulky than most. I love the convenience of a full zipper. Unfortunately this has been discontinued. My wool sweater can be worn in a wider number of situations, but isn't as convenient or durable.<br />
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Mid-Weight Merino Wool Sweater is a bit less convenient to take off/put on compared to a full zipper fleece, but provides similar insulation and is much more appropriate to wear to a business event or when going to a nice restaurant.</div>
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<a href="https://www.uniqlo.com/">Uniqlo</a> Ultralight Down Vest is decent quality, low price, with just the right amount of insulation for me. Combined with my sweater and a shell keeps me warm enough in the coldest weather I normally encounter.</div>
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<a href="http://www.patagonia.com/product/mens-down-shirt/84746.html">Patagonia Down Shirt</a> with 23andMe logo. Even though it's bit more insulating that I need around town, I want to show my company spirit and my wife thinks it looks better than the combination of the above items. The Patagonia Micro Puff Hoody using PlumaFill insulation would be better for back country use thanks to it's superior water resistance. The Montbell inner down jacket continues to be the price performance champ, and Uniqlo's down jacket is a good alternative for someone on a tight budget.</div>
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Boss Blazer Jacket. Used when going out and it's appropriate to be wearing something more dressy than a hoodie, but a full suit is too formal. I often wear the blazer over my tee-shirt rather than taking a more traditional "outdoor" jacket.<br />
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<a href="http://www.hugoboss.com/us/tonal-striped-italian-super-110-virgin-wool-suit-slim-fit-huge%2Fgenius/hbna50370898_001.html?cgid=21001-3">Boss Wool Suit</a> slim/european cut in suit cover bag. Fits me perfectly though not bespoken. First suit that I wear rather than the suit wearing me. Light enough that it’s usable in the summer. I use it anytime I need to be very dressed up: weddings, funerals, special nights out on the town. Have two ties... one that is "serious" and one that is "fun"</div>
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<a href="https://shop.outlier.nyc/shop/retail/new-way-shorts.html">Outlier New Way Shorts</a> (4) are nice looking shorts which fit me perfectly, don’t have cargo pockets, are durable and dry reasonably quickly. I am sure there are less expensive shorts that I would like, but I don’t need more shorts so haven’t bother to look.</div>
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<a href="https://zootsports.com/collections/m-apparel-1/products/m-performance-tri-7-short"><b>Zootsports Performance Tri Shorts</b></a> works well cycling, running and swimming. They are comfortable for all the activities I engage in, in a wide range of conditions. They have reduces issues with chaffing, dry fairly quickly, and are reasonably comfortable when wet. They have side pockets large enough to hold some nutrition and my phone so I don’t need to use a special cycling jersey. I never need to think about what shorts to wear when I am going to engage in vigorous physical activities.... I just grab my pair of zoot.<br />
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<a href="http://www.icebreaker.com/en/mens-underwear/-anatomica-short-sleeve-crewe/103033.html?dwvar_103033_color=402"><b>Icebreaker Anatomica Tee-shirt</b></a> (5) merino wool with just a bit of lycra for a body hugging fit. This tee-shirt fits me perfectly, looks good, is super comfortable, doesn't smell after several days of wear on the road, and dries fairly quickly. There are two downside. First, they are pricy especially in view that they wear out more quickly that a cheap cotton tee. Second, they don’t work as well as synthetics when engaged in high energy activities where you are sweating a lot. There are a number of other good merino wool shirts from Smartwool, Outlier, and Wool&Price.<br />
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<a href="https://www.icebreaker.com/en/mens-baselayers/oasis-long-sleeve-crewe/100476_WS.html?dwvar_100476__WS_color=802">Icebreaker Long Sleeve Oasis Crew</a> (not shown) orange & grey color which was a Christmas gift from my wife to add some color to my wardrobe.<br />
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<a href="http://www.columbia.com/technology-omnifreezezero/">Columbia Omni-Freeze Zero Shirt</a> (2): Picture shows a blue shirt which has been discontinued, but there are other models which use Omni-Freeze fabric that helps cool when working out in moderate to hot conditions. The blue one has since been retired to be replaced by an orange Columbia Titan Trail Running shirt which I really like. Pretty much any "runner" weight shirt would work well as could my Icebreaker Anatomica tee.<br />
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Patagonia Featherweight Long Sleeve Wool Crew shirt (white) which I wear when engaging in all-day outdoor activities when it is hot and sunny so I don't need to worry about suntan lotion on my arms.</div>
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<a href="http://www.icebreaker.com/en/mens-underwear/-anatomica-briefs/103031.html?dwvar_103031_color=401">Icebreaker Anatomica Briefs</a> (7) the most comfortable underwear I have worn. Downsides are that they start getting holes after a year and they are expensive. Some people prefer boxer style but I see no reason to have extra fabric on my thighs. Good alternatives are the synthetic travel oriented briefs from Ex Offico and the comfortable but expensive underwear from Saxx.</div>
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<a href="https://darntough.com/">Darn Tough Socks</a> (8) are unsurprisingly durable since they come with a lifetime warranty. I found they fit and perform very well and come in a wide variety of thicknesses, lengths, and colors. I like the endurance light socks. Icebreaker and the Smartwool PhD line are good alternatives.</div>
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<a href="https://www.injinji.com/catalog/product/view/id/659/s/run-lightweight-no-show-gray-small/category/70/">Injinji Ultralight Toe Socks</a> (2) for long distance runs / hikes. Generally I prefer wool, but I found light weight wool toe socks get holes very quickly.<br />
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<a href="http://www.rockyboots.com/rocky-mens-accessories/rocky-11-gore-tex-waterproof-socks/FQ0008011.html">Rocky Gore-Tex Socks</a> are the best way I have found to keep my feet reasonably clean, dry and warm in messy back country conditions. Often worn with Keen sandals to maximum breathability and speed drying once they are out of the water.<br />
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<a href="http://www.keenfootwear.com/product/shoes/men/clearwater-cnx"><b>Keen Clearwater CNX</b></a> are the lightest sandals Keen makes. I liked the minimalist sandals made by <a href="http://lunasandals.com/">luna</a> and <a href="http://xeroshoes.com/">Xero Shoes</a> but the toe protection of the Keens makes them a clear winner for me. If worn with gray socks they can pass for shoes. Comfortable in a wide range of conditions. I can run in them when I don't have my Alta running shoes with me.</div>
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<a href="https://www.altrarunning.com/">Alta Running Shoes</a> are the best running shoes (trail and road) that I have used. Wearing these shoes with toe-socks has allow me to do marathon length runs and 20+ mile days backpacking with no blisters or foot pain. Just one week after purchasing my first pair of One V2.5 I completed the Big Sur Marathon without issue. I like the models with minimal cushion. I currently use One V3 for road running and the Superior V3 for trails.<br />
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<a href="https://www.vivobarefoot.com/us/mens/everyday/gobi-ii-mens"><b>Vivobarefoot Gobi II</b></a> are extremely light weight, zero-drop, minimalist ankle boots which can be worn with casual clothing and my wife tells me they are acceptable to wear with a suit. Love them because they are light weight and comfortable. Two downside are that they take longer to put on and take off than low rise shoes and my feet can feel tired if I have been walking 14+ miles each day, for several days.</div>
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<a href="https://caretsco.com/">Carots Shoes</a>* are formal looking zero drop shoes. These are the only minimalist shoes I have found that looks like traditional dress shoes (heels and and tapered toe) that are sufficiently comfortable for day long wear. These were purchased before I discovered that the Gobi II were acceptable footwear with my suit.<br />
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<a href="https://skinners.cc/">Skinners</a>* (Not Shown) Socks with durable flexible coating on bottom so they can be used like shoes. Small and compact. Use as slippers, when I biking somewhere and then want to walk around without cleats, or when I am in the mood for barefoot running.<br />
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<a href="https://www.topoathletic.com/">Topo Running Shoes</a>* (Not Shown) are zero drop minimalist running shoes. My model is a bit lighter than their current zero drop road running shoe. These shoes live at work for the days I ride my bike and don't want to clomp around with cleats all day.</div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">Bathroom</span><br />
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<a href="https://health.nokia.com/us/en/body-plus">Withering Body WiFi Scale</a> (Not shown) makes it easy to track weight which is well integrated to Garmin, Fitbit, MyFitnessPal, LoseIt, and numerous other health tracking eco-systems.</div>
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<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Professional-SmartSeries-4000-Rechargeable-Toothbrush/dp/B004O7B4YG">Oral-B/Braun 4000 Electric toothbrush</a> (Not shown). Oral-B and Sonicare both make excellent toothbrushes which are significantly more effective than using a manual toothbrush.<br />
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<a href="https://www.rei.com/product/878300/rei-co-op-micro-shower-kit?CAWELAID=120217890000823643&CAGPSPN=pla&CAAGID=30320809360&CATCI=pla-412255110717&cm_mmc=PLA_Google%7C404_88098%7C8783000001%7Cnone%7C17644c27-3ad7-92a8-f28a-0000374f7e32%7Cpla-412255110717&lsft=cm_mmc:PLA_Google_LIA%7C404_88098%7C8783000001%7Cnone%7C17644c27-3ad7-92a8-f28a-0000374f7e32%7Cpla-412255110717&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIl6rzi6Td1QIVRWB-Ch2oJgP4EAQYASABEgL-0_D_BwE">REI Micro Shower Bag</a> is the perfect size for my toiletry kit while providing just enough organizational features to make it easy for me to find everything quickly. Holds a number of the items listed above in the “bathroom” section.</div>
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<a href="https://gillette.com/en-us/products/razors-trimmers-and-blades/mach3-razors/mach3-razor">Gillette Mach-3 Razor</a> + <a href="http://www.pacificshaving.com/natural-shaving-oil-2-oz/">Pacific Natural Shaving Oil</a>. I am sure there are better razors and many people would suggest that shaving oil is a prep step which should be followed by shaving cream… but I have found this combination effective, reasonable cost effective, and compact when traveling.</div>
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<a href="https://www.listerine.com/floss">Listerine Floss</a> (use to be Reach) is the most effective dental floss I have used. Gentle to the gums while still getting plague and food wedged between teeth out.</div>
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<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Feather-Parada-nail-clippers-M/dp/B007JQ9SBA/">PaRaDa Nail clipper</a> with a trimmings catcher to make cleanup easy.</div>
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<a href="http://www.goinginstyle.com/Retractable-Bristle-Hairbrush-P5225.aspx">Retractable Bristle Hairbrush</a> which is compact but effective</div>
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Small first aid kit which includes waterproof Band-Aids, antiseptic wipes, anti biotic cream, superglue, a couple of safety pins. Small size <a href="http://www.humangear.com/gear/gotubb">HumanGear GoTubb</a> to store aleve and a few nyquil caplets.<br />
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Ziplock bag with two weeks work of supplies: dropper bottles filled with Dr Bronner Soap, Shaving Oil, shampoo, skin lotion, and a few single use woolite packets</div>
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<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00JIK6CIW/">Precision Xtra Ketone and Blood Glucose Meter</a>* (not shown) for times I am fasting or engaged in a new diet and want some objective data.<br />
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<b>Bicycle Stuff</b></div>
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<a href="https://www.cervelo.com/en/road/r-series/r3"><b>Cervelo R3</b></a>: pricy but amazing road bicycle. Comfortable enough for an endurance ride, but responsive like a race bike. Fitted with an <a href="https://infinitybikeseat.com/">Infinity Seat</a>, and a small seat bag which holds a pump, inter-tube, bike tool, and 2 tire levers. Moots makes some great Titanium bikes but you have to special order them.</div>
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<a href="https://www.powertap.com/product/powertap-p1-pedals">Power Tap P1 Pedals</a> because I like objective measures about how my physically conditioning is changing. The Garmin Vector 2 pedals integrate better into the Garmin eco-system, use standard Keto cleats, and are lighter / more streamlined at about the same price point.</div>
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<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00LXTP2FA/">Cygolight Expilion Bike Headlamp</a> are bright enough to illuminate when I am riding fast and has a swappable rechargeable battery. Have a Cygolight HotShot rechargeable taillight.</div>
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<a href="http://www.giro.com/us_en/products/men/helmets/aero-tri/air-attack-shield.html">Giro Air Attack Shield Helmet</a> provides protection, good ventilation while having a very streamlined aerodynamic profile. Has snap on optical shield which is great because with my eye prescription, it’s hard to find sports oriented sunglasses. If you ride a bicycle, wear a helmet!! I am alive today because I was wearing a helmet when I was in an accident. Giro has newer models which have better ventilation and aerodynamic profile and also cheaper models that will protect your head.<br />
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Bicycling Shoes with Cleat for PowerTap peddles.</div>
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<a href="http://www.wahoofitness.com/devices/kickr.html">Wahoo Fitness Kickr</a>* is a great trainer for when you can’t get outside. Integrated power meter and variable resistance which can be controls via ANT+ or BlueTooth. Wahoo build the Kickr with an open API so there are numerous companies which have applications which can control the Kickr.</div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">Backpacking</span></div>
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I have a separate <a href="https://docs.google.com/a/verber.com/spreadsheets/d/1I1wxmdovuYnroqaX12OeXPDOY31gGHGfTT7cl_B3-aM/edit?usp=sharing" rev="en_rl_minimal">3-season packing list</a> which makes use of a number of the items on this list and has several items which are specific for backpacking.</div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">Sentimental</span></div>
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There are a few items I have kept as a specific way to honor people I have lost.</div>
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<a href="https://verber.blogspot.com/2012/03/27-years-of-blessing-part-1.html">Libby's</a> pins of a nativity scene and of a mother and child. Originally worn by Libby on special occasions they became daily decorations for the hats she wore during chemotherapy. They remind me of Libby's courage and the two things most important to Libby, family and Jesus.</div>
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<a href="https://www.verber.com/carl/lessons.html">Carl's</a> Rolex Oyster Watch to remember his craftsmanship, love of teaching, and ironically his frugality.</div>
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Jules' sculptures of musicians made from nails because he passed on a love for music and art.<br />
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WWII Era Wool Blanket (not shown) Originally owned by Carl or maybe even my grandfather. It has been on countless fishing and camping trips and to virtually every picnic and outdoor concert I have ever attended. Everything I see the blanket I think of my dad and many wonderful moments.</div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">Recently Retired</span><br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><a href="https://fi.google.com/about/phones/" shape="rect" style="font-weight: normal;">Google Pixel 2 on Google Fi</a><span style="font-weight: normal;"> has great integration with Google Apps, a </span><a href="https://www.dxomark.com/google-pixel-2-reviewed-sets-new-record-smartphone-camera-quality/" shape="rect" style="font-weight: normal;">best of class phone camera</a><span style="font-weight: normal;">, and I find Google Assistant much more useful that Siri. In the locations I frequent in the USA, Google Fi has coverage that is competitive with Verizon and better than any of the lower cost carriers, while still being one of the cheapest plans. The plan really shines when traveling internationally, providing good coverage which is hassle free at very reasonable prices. I hoped the Pixel 2 on Fi would become my primary phone, but I found it's management of audio (switching between built in speaker/mic, bluetooth ear buds, car bluetooth, and a USB DAC) to be buggy / inconvenient compared to the iPhone. In situations where the iPhone would automatically switch just as I would desire, Android would stay stuck on a particular audio output channel. I would have to go into the control panel and manually disconnect and maybe unpair/pair a device to get the phone to select the correct audio out I wanted to use. For me, this was a deal breaker.</span></span></div>
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<a href="https://www.timbuk2.com/classic-messenger-bag/116.html">Timbuk2 Classic</a> Messenger Bag (Small, Coated Nylon) is just the right size for my day to day needs with just the right amount of organizational pockets. I prefer courier style bags over backpacks because they are easier to access on the go and leave my back with more ventilation. This has been the bag that has carried my daily items to work 2001-2018. I appreciate that it is waterproof, and the fabric is heavy enough to retain it's shape, but light enough not to be a burden. The Classic is available in a number of other trims / materials. People who prefer a backpack might look at the <a href="https://www.peakdesign.com/everyday-backpack">Peak Designs Everyday Backpack</a>, or the excellent daypacks from <a href="https://www.tombihn.com/">Tom Bihm</a>. I started to commute to work by running rather than biking in mid-January at which point I switched to using <a href="https://matadorup.com/products/matador-freerain24-backpack">Matador Freerain24</a>.<br />
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Pilot Precise V5 Extra Fine Pens are the nicest flowing pens I have ever used but often leak after air flights due to pressure changes.</div>
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<a href="http://www.sony.com/electronics/cyber-shot-compact-cameras/dsc-rx100m4">Sony RX-100</a> is a camera which truly fits in my pants pocket. In daylight it has image quality which is good enough to rival full size DSLRs, and adequate performance in modest light situations. I had the III edition... the VI edition sensor is about the same but has a much better focus system and a lens that goes from 24-200 making it the perfect travel camera. If you can live with a fixed lens, the Ricoh GRII work better in low light while still fitting into a pocket. The camera on my wife’s iPhone 8 or the Google Pixel 2 is good enough to retired the Sony.<br />
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<a href="https://shop.outlier.nyc/shop/retail/nyco-oxford.html">Outlier NYCO Oxford Shirt</a> when I need to wear a button down. Fits me well, made from durable nylon weave so it dries quickly and doesn't wrinkle when traveling while looking nicer than many "travel" shirts. My wife prefers the how my cotton button down shirts look, and I just wear tee-shirts when traveling.</div>
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<a href="http://www.arcteryx.com/product.aspx?language=EN&gender=Mens&category=Insulated_Jackets&model=Atom-LT-Jacket">Arc’Teryx Atom LT Jacket</a> is a lightly insulated jacket with side panels which are very breathable. A useful mid-layer insulation layer which looks good around town, and performs well in the back country. Was retired when I started to use my 23andme down sweater.</div>
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<a href="http://www.arcteryx.com/product.aspx?language=EN&gender=Mens&category=Shell_Jackets&model=Squamish-Hoody">Arc’Teryx Squamish</a> is a light weight wind shirt which has a good balance of lightness, next to skin feel, and durability. See my <a href="http://www.verber.com/mark/outdoors/gear/clothing.html#windshell">recommended wind shirts</a> for an explanation of why wind shirts are useful. The Norvan SL is light and breathable enough that it can do double duty as a rain jacket and wind jacket.</div>
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<a href="http://www.salewa.us/en/ramble-gtx-men.html">Salewa Ramble GTX Shoes</a> are attractive leather shoes which are breathable, waterproof and provide all day comfort. Generally I prefer more minimalist shoes, but wife really likes the way these shoes look, and apparently a lot of other people do too because I regularly get asked where to buy a pair. Replace by Gobi II which are more comfortable.<br />
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<a href="http://us.vibram.com/shop/fivefingers/men/outdoor/">Vibram Five fingers</a> shoes for running about backpacking. Loved the lightness, ground feel, and lack of blisters, but I kept stubbed my toes when on trails. Retired when I found Alta shoes which give me the blister free experience I first had with the five fingers while providing more protections to my toes.<br />
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Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-59548815485046706692018-01-07T23:26:00.001-08:002018-01-29T22:21:51.514-08:00Simplifying Stuff - My Journey into Minimalism<div>
Minimalism has become an important tool for my life. I like Joshua Becker’s definition of minimalism found on his blog <a href="https://www.becomingminimalist.com/what-is-minimalism/">becoming minimalist</a> "<i>The intentional promotion of the things we most value and the removal of anything that distracts us from it</i>”. Brian Gardner points out that <a href="https://nosidebar.com/not-about-stuff/">minimalism isn’t about stuff</a>, but redefining our relationship with “stuff” is often the starting point for people on a minimalist path. I will do a later post about the more internal aspects of my journey to embrace minimalism.</div>
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Francis Schaeffer observed that we live in a world that worships “personal peace and affluence”. Our culture tells us that we should put comfort above all else which leads to a self centered life. Advertisers <a href="https://www.npr.org/2018/01/01/574073721/our-mental-space-under-attack">buy our attention</a> to convince us more stuff will make our lives better. They tell us we should “keep up with the Jones” if not the rich and famous. This encourages us to be <b>dissatisfied with what we have rather than to be grateful</b>. This sort of outlook leads to a consuming hunger that never satisfies our hearts.</div>
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The minimalist movement rejects the materialistic driven society while looking for something better. People are discovering once their basic needs are met, that <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/dandiamond/2015/10/12/angus-deaton-who-just-won-nobel-prize-thinks-a-75000-salary-makes-you-perfectly-happy/#633b93a27775">more stuff doesn't make them happier</a>. You can see a growing interest by stories in the media on topics such as downsizings, <a href="https://www.thespruce.com/decluttering-your-entire-home-2648002">decluttering</a>, tiny houses, one bag lifestyle, and how <a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=your+kids+don%27t+want+your+stuff">kids don't want their parents stuff</a>.</div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">My Path</span></div>
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I was first introduced to a minimalism by my <a href="https://www.verber.com/carl/lessons.html">dad’s life</a>. At the time it wasn’t called minimalism… we called it living simply. If something was working, no reason to upgrade it. No reason to buy something to impress others… function ruled. My dad's greatest pleasure might have been simply being outside, experiencing nature. I learned to love simplicity and nature. I dreamed of building a small sustainable cabin like Henry David Thoreau described in <a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/205"><i>Walden</i></a>. I didn’t want to be weighed down by lots of stuff, with the possible exception of books and music.</div>
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In college I became a Christian and joined a church community that had a communal oriented lifestyle dedicated to service. I was introduced to the Christian discipline of simplicity by Richard Foster’s <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Richard-J.-Foster/e/B000APVBQW/">writings</a>, was challenged by a talk by Ralph Winter about a <a href="http://www.missionfrontiers.org/issue/article/a-wartime-lifestyle">wartime mentality</a> and Ron Sider’s book <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Rich-Christians-Age-Hunger-Generosity-ebook/dp/B00PWOH5TS/" style="font-style: italic;">Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger</a>. I tried to resist the “gospel” of personal peace and affluence. I desired a life which was light on stuff and heavy on meaning and purpose.</div>
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I found that getting married and then having a child made it harder to maintain a minimalist lifestyle. It's not that minimalism is incompatible with being a good spouse or parent, but when more people are involved, it gets more complicated. It's often easier to just add an activity or item than to figure out what would be most valuable to the family as a whole while not overly restricting any individual. In the quest to provide the "best life" for my family, more got added than was necessary. We resisted giving fully into the consumer oriented culture: we drove a modest car, purchased a house that was affordable on one income, kept commute short, was generous to charities, and tried to put time into activities that mattered. Still, life grew ever more full with things and activities that didn’t matter to me. What's sad is some of the things and activities didn't really matter to the rest of the family either... I just thought they did.</div>
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In 2011 life was uprooted when I lost my wife <a href="https://verber.blogspot.com/2012/03/27-years-of-blessing-part-1.html">Libby</a> to cancer. I found myself in a new chapter of life. I wanted a <a href="https://verber.blogspot.com/2011/12/minimalism-simplicity.html">simpler life full of meaning</a>. I was concerned that I would pass on my dreams because I was afraid to give up my high-tech salary and the comforts it purchased. I decided that I needed to learn to live with less stuff and less money so that I would be free to pursue whatever God had for me. Six years later I share my life with my wife Jackie as we seek to live meaningful lives.</div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">Simplify Clothing by Adopting a Uniform</span></div>
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Many of the articles I read about minimalism suggested the first place to start downsizing was clothing. It’s one of the easily areas for people to take a more minimalist lifestyle, and it’s something that you experience every day. People often start this process by removing clothing they no longer wear. My approach was a bit more radical.</div>
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None of my clothing fit because I had just lost more than 30 lbs. I decided to purchase all new clothing and then give away all my old clothing except for my sandals and running shoes. I had read about wearing a <i>uniform</i> in <a href="http://mashable.com/2014/11/17/mark-zuckerberg-and-other-insanely-successful-people-wear-the-same-thing-every-day-and-for-good-reason/#c7LJT8Ox9uqU">Insanely successful men wear the same thing every day</a> and the women’s version <a href="http://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a10441/why-i-wear-the-same-thing-to-work-everday/">why i wear the same thing to work everyday</a>. I was intrigued by some of the traveling minimalists whose clothing fit in a small daypack. I purchased only what I needed and would be happy to wear every day. It was summer and I had nothing that required me to dress up. I purchased 3 pairs of grey shorts, 3 black wool tee-shirts, underwear and a windbreaker. In the fall I added a few pairs of long pants, a wool hoody, and some winter outerwear. As Christmas approached I purchased a suit, a tailored button up shirt, and a pair of nice shoes for a friend’s upcoming wedding and so I had appropriate clothing if I needed to attend a funeral or any other event that required me to be "dressed up".</div>
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I love my “uniform” for several reasons. The first reason was unexpected. Every time I put my clothing on I feel grateful. My clothing are comfortable and feel like "me", not a costume I am wearing to please others. I find my heart content. Second, and the original reason for adopting a uniform was to eliminate unnecessary decisions. Every morning I will take whatever is on the top of the stack of nearly identical items and get dressed which requires no thought or planning. Finally, I found I spent a lot less time “shopping” and am able to resist “deals” which used to lure me to buy things that I really didn’t need or enjoy wearing. I can now immediately tune out advertisements because my uniform is all I need. I only purchase clothing when something is wearing out, and then it's a simple replacement... I purchase the identical item</div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">Declutter Home</span></div>
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Once I had cleaned out my clothing closet I decided to declutter the rest of the house. I started with some basic principles from <a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00268EVLS/" style="font-style: italic;">Organizing from the Inside Out</a><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span>which stressed everything should have a place near whether it was used, ideas from <a href="https://www.thespruce.com/decluttering-your-entire-home-2648002">Declutter Every Room in Your House</a> and then added to it some of the tidying up ideas from Marie Kondo which is nicely covered in <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Spark-Joy-Illustrated-Organizing-Tidying-ebook/dp/B00Y6QG5D0" style="font-style: italic;">Spark Joy</a><i>.</i> I decided that the best thing would be to work on one room at a time, get the room completely finished and then move onto the next room. </div>
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I started with the kitchen. The drawers were filled with countless utensils, many of which I didn’t use and often were on top of the utensils I was looking for. I pulled everything out of the drawers. In the process I found that we accumulated several of the same utensils because we “replaced” an item we had “lost”. Once the drawers were emptied I selected only the items I was sure I would use at least weekly. I thought about how I worked in the kitchen and stored the utensils near where they were used. Everything else went into several boxes placed in the garage. I found that a bit of creativity often allowed me to avoid the hassle of going into the garage to retrieve the rarely used utensil. Over the next six months I retreived just few items from the garage. After six months I gave most of the unused utensils away. I found the streamlined kitchen made cooking more enjoyable. When I needed something, I would pull the drawer open and immediately see what I needed. I also found that a well organized drawer was attractive to my eye compared to a drawer crowded and filled to the brim with items.</div>
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Once the kitchen was completed I worked through the house using a method similar to <a href="https://www.thespruce.com/decluttering-your-entire-home-2648002">Declutter Every Room in Your House</a>. After the "first pass" I just continued to remove things that weren't added value to life using principles very similar to Colleen Madsen's <a href="https://www.becomingminimalist.com/decluttering-principles/">Ten Principles to Help Anyone Clear Clutter</a>. There are plenty of other articles, blogs and <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/review/list/4153382-mark?shelf=minimalism&sort=rating">books about minimalism</a> that have been helpful as I trying to simplifying "stuff" in the house, but most don't add substantially to Colleen's simple post. After a while I found material on minimalism to be a bit repetitive, though each person has a different backstory to tell which can be inspiring.</div>
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When Jackie and I got married we combined out households. Thankfully, we were quite compatible and found that we both wanted a fairly simple and uncluttered home. The number of "family" items grew slightly compared to what each of us would have had in a house by ourselves, but way short of doubling. For example, the core of our kitchen is pretty much the same as what one of us would have owned (Jackie's plates, my mugs, a mix of our glasses). There was some growth where one of us used something regularly that the other didn't such as Jackie's wok, and my baking pan and blender. Our extras were used to equip other households. We saw a great benefit from our minimizing when we moved out of the house I had lived in for 26 years. We managed to pack the house on Friday in less than 12 hours and were fully moved into our new home by the end of the weekend: all our stuff was put away, all the moving boxes were folded flat, and pictures had been hung on the walls.<br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">Some General Challenges to Minimizing Stuff</span></div>
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I used to struggle giving things away because I <i>might</i> need them some day. I have come to believe someday is often so far away it never arrives. Meanwhile, the items sits around, taking up space and not being used. Something that has really helped me let go of currently unused objects is that I can imagine the object I am no longer using crying to fulfill it's purpose. It’s saying “I want someone to love me”. If I am not loving the object by using it, I am happy to sent it to a home that will love and care for it. As I have practiced downsizing, it has become easier as my confidence has grown. There are only three times that I gave something away, only to discover I really wanted it back. In each case, I was able to re-aquiring the item without difficulty or a high cost.<br />
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Sometimes I know it will be difficult to re-aquire an item because it's one-of-a-kind, handmade, or no longer manufactured. In these cases I will set these items aside in a "holding" box. If I don’t think about these items in a year, I give them away on the theory I won't miss them in the future because I will have forgotten I ever had them.</div>
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The harder I worked to acquire an object the less likely I felt comfortable giving it away or selling it. I would focused on the labor I had invested. I have come to appreciate that rather than thinking about what it cost to acquire an object, I should think about the cost of replacing it in the future. These days using services like Amazon can significantly reduces the work to find the right object, and ever increasing efficiencies in industry often reduces the cost of items over time. When factoring in the cost of storage, it is often cheaper to sell or give away an item, even if you will need to repurchase it several years later.</div>
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Another challenge are items that have sentiment value. I came to realize that pictures are almost as good (sometimes better) to promote good memories that the item would trigger, but takes up no physical space, and are easily accessible anywhere and anytime. So I tag these special photos so I can easily immerse myself in memories. There are some sentimental items I have held on to which I specifically choose to keep as a way to honor someone who was very special to me.</div>
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<b>My Biggest Challenge: Books</b><br />
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The most difficult thing for me to downsize was my book collection. To me, books are almost sacred. I grew up in a family that cherished books and learning. I like to think of myself as educated and an intellectual... having lots of books is part of that self identity. When I started to downsize my book collection I had ten, or was it eleven, full size (36" x 72") bookcases completely full, often with books double deep. I couldn't bring myself to part with my old friends in one go, it took several years.<br />
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I started by looking at large reference books since these had the lowest emotional attachment and took a disproportionate amount of space. Those no longer used, or that could be replaced by resources freely available on the Internet were given away. I replaced any reference materials I used regularly with electronic versions. Even though this cost money, it saved space and made the materials more useful to me.<br />
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The first difficulty were books I hadn't read. Often there is a reason I haven't read the book after purchasing it. Maybe I started the book but just couldn't get "into" it. Maybe my interests changed or I had purchased the book because <i>someday</i> I knew I would be interested in the topic. It seemed wrong to give away something I hadn't used, but I realized there is not enough time to reald all the books I am interested in. Keeping these unread books just made me feel guilty. Any books that I didn't have plans to read in the next six months I gave away.<br />
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Next, I went through my books and asked the question "Is this a book I am<i> likely</i> to read, re-read or recommend to someone in the next few years?" If the answer was no, I gave it away. I was down from ten bookcases to less than four bookcases.<br />
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I changed tacts to identifying books I really wanted to keep. I asked the question "Which of these <a href="https://www.verber.com/mark/books/change-deeply.html">books changed my life</a> or I think it's so great that it <a href="https://www.verber.com/mark/books/change.html">might change someone else life</a>?" Those got put into a special bookcase or in some cases purchased for my Kindle and given away.<br />
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For all the remaining books I asked two questions. The first was "Is this book on my reading schedule in the next six months?". If yes, I held on to the book. The second question was "Can I get this book again?" I looked up each book on Amazon. If it was still in print I put it on an Amazon wishlist and I gave the book away confident I come get it back if I needed to. What's left? Less than one bookcase of largely out of print books. Every quarter or so I looks through the remaining books and ask the question "Do I think I am going to ever read this book or loan it to someone?" Each time I do this there are several books my honest answer is"no", and they get donated to our church or the friends of the library.</div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">The Process Continued</span></div>
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I considered doing the <a href="https://zenhabits.net/minimalist-fun-the-100-things-challenge/" target="_blank">100 Items Challenge</a>, but decided my attention would be on how to curate possessions rather than on living. Rather that shooting for a particular number, I just asking the question “Does this item enrich my life on a regular basis?”. If the answer was yes, I would keep it. Otherwise it went into a box that would ultimately be given away or sold. I posted a <a href="https://verber.blogspot.com/2018/01/my-2018-clothinggearstuff-list.html">Great Stuff for Me</a> (and maybe you) which records where this process has taken me so far.. down to around 140 items. Along the way there were a couple areas that took some focused attention because I couldn't easily tackle them one item at a time.</div>
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I had to work at simplifying electronics... I am a technologist and a geek. I consolidated all the data I needed onto my laptop (backed up into the cloud) which removed the need to have a file server in the house. I stopped running a computing infrastructure which could run a medium size business by switching to use Google Apps and a few other cloud services. In the process I got rid of several servers, a lot of upkeep, and a number of older computers I was holding on to “just in case”. Three large moving boxes filled with cables was reduced to three quart size ziplock bags. I realized I really didn't use the home phone and answering machine so they were dropped and I just used my cell phone. Rather than multiple portable audio devices I decided I would use my phone or if I didn't have my phone, forgo music. Rather than having multiple stereo systems with a complex (and somewhat fragile) streaming infrastructure I switched to a single system based around my laptop and a pair of audiophile grade powered speaker.<br />
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Camera equipment was another area that took a fair amount of work. I had a high end pocketable camera that I had with me always (a Sony RX100) because you never knew when you might need to take a picture. I had a camera that was particularly good for in low light conditions without a flash that was perfect for candid shots at events. Finally I had a couple of camera bodies, and numerous interchangeable lens. I had several tripods, flashes, and camera bags. One camera bag could hold nearly all my equipment. Another was good for outdoor events, and I had my original Domke F-5XB which I used whenever I wanted to minimize the amount of camera gear I carried. Every time I was going somewhere I would have to figure out what camera gear to take, and then what bag to use. My downsizing came in three stages. The first was reducing my gear down to the pocketable camera which I always carried, one camera with a couple of lens, and some accessories which would fit into the Domke bag. If an event was "photographic" in nature I would grab the camera bag, otherwise I would use the pocket camera. After awhile I noted that I wasn't grabbing the camera bag very often. I just didn't want to carry it around. I was mostly happy to make do with the pictures from my pocket camera. A couple of years later I realized that I wasn't happy with my pocket camera. My camera didn't focus as fast as my phone (the newest version of the RX100 is much better), it didn't geotag pictures, and was too big to be in my pocket all the time. I also noted that while the RX100's image quality was better than my phone camera, I found the Pixel 2 and the iPhone X to be "good enough" in most situations. So now I am just using the camera on the Pixel 2 and am generally happy. I have said to myself I can always rent equipment for a specific event, like when I went whale watching... but I haven't done this since I downsized our camera gear. I would rather focus on the event than hassle with the camera. Besides, there is almost always someone else with a good camera who is happy to share the images they captured when were were together. The best of both worlds.</div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">Shopping Diet</span></div>
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In the middle of 2016 year I went on a “<a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/15/opinion/sunday/shopping-consumerism.html">shopping diet</a>”. I decided that I wouldn’t purchase anything new for myself in the next year except to replace (1:1) items that wore out or broke. Of course I would buy food, pay for activities, and I let myself purchase kindle books that whose price had dropped more than 65% since I put it on my wishlist. I also permitted myself to purchase gifts and items needed by other family members. I was amazed at how much of an impact the shopping diet had on my time and focus. I never realized how much the constant bombardment of “deals” I see in social media drove my consumption. Even if I didn’t ultimately purchase the item it ended up taking time as I researched the deal and spent time wondering if this was something I might need. Now I just ignore any “deals” I saw. I started to experience that "it’s better to want less than to have less.” After a year I ended my diet for a few months, but found shopping started to take more of my time and energy, so toward the end of 2017 I decided to do another year long shopping diet and am loving it.</div>
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for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.</div>
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1 Timothy 6:7-8 (ESV)</div>
Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-82916602669477824652016-08-28T15:49:00.001-07:002018-01-28T22:17:44.077-08:00Christian's Second Most Important BookThe dominate culture in the US prizes freedom and choice above all else which has led us to have one of the most individual oriented cultures. Garret Kell's article entitled <a href="https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/the-second-most-important-book-for-every-christian" target="_blank">The Second-Most Important Book for Every Christian</a> is a great antidote to the individual focus we are exposed to. What is the second most important book? Your church directory. The directory represents a vital community of belonging and service.<br />
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<i>Do not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near</i>.</div>
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--Hebrews 10:25, ESV</div>
Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-11439699692896697152014-10-24T14:09:00.000-07:002018-03-08T09:06:46.157-08:00Personal Finance Advise<div>
A number of my younger friends have asked for advice regarding personal finance. This is an attempt to summarize what I know. If you want more in-depth information I would suggest checking out my goodreads "<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/review/list/4153382-mark?shelf=money&sort=rating" target="_blank">money</a>” shelf.</div>
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<b>People are more Important than Things: </b><b>Don't Make Money an Idol</b></div>
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In the eternal calculus of life people are much more important that money or anything else we can possess. It's best to love people and use things, not the other way around. Money and possessions are good, a blessing, but it's very easy for us to develop an unhealthy relationship with money and possessions which turns something good into something destructive. Some "bible" preachers become confused and assume that being rich is somehow an indication of God's specific blessing and might even suggest that if you have enough faith, you will become rich. This is a great distortion of the Bible which often correlates material wealth with people who are against God. In the Bible, I Timothy <a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11066324"></a>6:10 says "the <i><b>love of</b></i> money is the root of all sorts of evil." Jesus told numerous parables about how people were lost by getting tied up with riches. I have seen first hand how when people turn their focus on the accumulation of wealth that their personal lives became much poorer and their character started to corrode. Proverbs 30:8 is maybe the best short summary of the appropriate perspective for us to have, to be "neither poor nor rich." If you would like to understand what the Bible teaches about money, I would highly recommend the book <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008DVSP82/"><i>Jesus and Money</i></a> by Ben Witherington III.</div>
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Our modern consumer culture encourages us to be dissatisfied with what we have, and to desire more rather than to be grateful. Yet, study after study has found that there is no correlation between money and happiness once someone is over the poverty line: enough money to have a safe place to live - space/warmth/security, food, to eat, and clothing to wear. What's more, it turns out that numerous experiments have repeatedly discovered that <a href="http://blogs.hbr.org/2013/06/how-money-actually-buys-happiness/">spending money on others produces more happiness than spending money on self</a>. It would be easy for an entire post to be on this topic… maybe I will write more later. </div>
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Action:</div>
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<li>Looking at the philosophy of minimalism advocated by people like Joshua Becker of <a href="http://www.becomingminimalist.com/becoming-minimalist-start-here/" target="_blank">Becoming Minimalist</a> blog who advocates clearing material clutter out of our lives so we can focus on what's truly important.</li>
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<b>Make more than you Spend: </b><b>Don't be a Debtor</b></div>
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You should never spend more than you earn. In general debt should be avoid, but especially unsecured debt such as credit cards. There are several reasons to in general avoid debt. First, is that being in debt means that we lose freedom and have obligations which control us. This is why the Bible encourage us to avoid debt. Romans 13:8 says "Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another". Second, being in debt carries a huge psychological weight that most people under-estimate. One of the more stressful times in my life was when I wasn't sure if I could sell the house I owned for as much as I owed on the mortgage. The day I sold the house and paid off the mortgage felt like one of the most liberating days in my life.<br />
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Often times people will go into debt because they are unwilling to wait until they have been able to save enough money to make an outright purchase. While there are times I think going into debt is a reasonable thing to do, such as taking a mortgage out on a piece of property where the mortgage is for less than the value of the property, I think people should be very careful in taking on debt. Another place that <i><b>might </b></i>make sense to take on some debt is to fund investments in the future such as education or starting a business. But even when there is good long-term value in the investments, care should be taken to minimize long-term debt and be sure that they long term returns are worth the debt.</div>
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Action</div>
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<li>Use debit cards rather than credit cards, or if you using credit cards pay them off each month.</li>
<li>If you are in debt, the make the minimal payment on all accounts which you owe except the one with the highest interest rate. Pay off that debt as quickly as you can, and then move on to the next highest interest rate debt until you have cleared all your debts. If the interest rates are about the same, pay off the smallest debt, and then move to the next biggest to feel like you are making progress.</li>
<li>Make a budget so can direct your money to where you want it to go rather than wonder where it went.</li>
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<b>Be Generous, </b><b>Remember that It’s All God’s</b></div>
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The Bible teaching that everything is God's, and that we are to be good stewarts of what He entrusts into our care. We should enjoy God's provision and take care of our <i><b>needs</b></i>, but we need to remember that it's not ours to waste, but rather to invest for good. The Bible calls for a 10% tithe to be given to do God’s work. The tithe was to be from our first fruits. In other words, that we don’t figure out what we need and give the leftovers to God, but that we set aside at least 10% for God, and live on what remains. </div>
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Our spending and our sense of what is a need tends to increase as we have more money. In surveys done in the US, the number one reason for not giving more is because people felt they can’t afford to give more, yet the percent of income given by the very poor is more than 3 times the very rich.</div>
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Growing up, my family insisted that if we received a gift of money, that a small portion of it was set aside to be given to a charitable endeavor and some put into savings. Later in life I was exposed to a variety of Christian teachers who advocated 10% of income should be given away, 10% saved, and the remaining 80% is what to live on. I think the 10/10/80 is a good starting point, though I think the <span style="font-weight: normal;">percent</span> giving and saving <i><b>should increase</b></i> as income rises. Ronald Sider in <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005M23LHU/" style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><i>Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger</i></a> makes a very compelling case for a graduated tithe. Rathar than a giving a percent of income, he encourages a mindset of stewardship: everything is God's. Rather than our income being "ours" to spend on ourselves, it is God's to be used for what is important to Him. Sider suggests that as our income grows above the poverty line, that an increasing large percentage should be given away.</div>
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I would agree with Sider that as our income increases we should spend a decreasing percentage on daily consumption, but beside giving money away, saving/investing for the future are also appropriate options. The money saved and invested is not necessarily for ourselves. Having money in savings allows us to response not just to un-expected personal needs, but also help out others.</div>
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Action</div>
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<ul>
<li>If you aren’t giving 10% of your income away, I would strongly encourage you to make a plan (e.g. cut expenses) so you have money to give away.</li>
<li>If you are giving away 10% consider adopting a <a href="http://moneyhelpforchristians.com/the-graduated-tithe-a-giving-strategy/">graduated tithe</a></li>
<li>Consider opening a donor directed charitable giving fund such as <a href="http://www.fidelitycharitable.org/">Fidelity’s Giving Fund</a> (Schwab and several other companies offer similar programs) This allows you to donate money at the time you received it (getting the tax benefit) but give money to an appropriate charity as you decide what is a worthy cause.</li>
</ul>
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<b>Saving for the Future: </b><b>Don’t be Foolish</b></div>
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Life is filled with surprises. A wise person saves money to smooth over the difficult times. The Bible is filled with stories of how wise men saved during prosperous times which enabled them and their community to thrive when the days were more difficult. One of the most striking stories was how God used Joseph to save an entire region during an extended drought. </div>
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While droughts don’t usually effect us as directly as they did Joseph, we have our modern challenges. Our transportation breaks down, a surprising health issue, a good friend in need. Having savings can allow us to raise to these sorts of challenges without falling into debt.</div>
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I think it’s very important to remember that what you are saving isn’t yours, it’s God’s. The money in your savings may very well be for your needs in a time of trouble, but it might also be for someone you come in contact with. By remembering that God provided the abidance that allowed you to save, you will avoid to temptation to put your trust in the saving rather than in God.</div>
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Action</div>
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<ul>
<li>If you have no savings, identify what expenses you can cut so you can set aside 10% of your income</li>
<li>Set a saving goal. I would recommend at least $1000. Conventional wisdom suggests that you should have several months of your essential living expenses in savings</li>
<li>Once you have several months of living expenses saved, work on long term investments discussed below.</li>
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<b>Long Term Investments</b></div>
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I encourage everyone to start saving for the long term as soon as they are able. The longer you save, the more time your money has the opportunity to grow due to market gains and compounding interest. Generally people split their long term investments between cash, bonds, stocks, property, and in some cases a business. The general rule of thumb is that the best long term returns come from the stock market, but the stock market has volitility than other options. In some locations, real estate has out performed stocks in the long term with less volatility, though other locations it's done much worse.</div>
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Long term investments can be used in several ways. The first is to retire. Many people think they will work until 65-70, and then retire to a life of leisure. I think it's more productive to think of retirement as moving to a stage of life where what we do isn't constrained by the need to produce income. It's good to "retire" as early as we can. Not to have a life of idle leisure, but so you are free to invest your time in things that are truly worthwhile without being constrained by what salary you might make.<br />
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How much should you save for retirement? Conventional wisdom is the "4% rule". The simple form of this is multiply your yearly spend by 25 and that's roughly your target. You can reach financial independence more quickly if your lower your spend because this lets you save more money now and lowers the total amount of money you need to save. For example, if you switch from a 2 person cell plan of $85/month to a $45/month "budget" plan, you are not only able to put $480 dollars into your saving account each year, but you are reducing the amount you need to save by $25,000. Drop a 1 starbucks / day habit would reduce your total saving target by almost $27,000!! For more thoughts check out <a href="http://www.financialsamurai.com/2013/08/22/how-much-should-my-net-worth-or-savings-be-based-on-income/">Financial Samurai’s How much should my net-worth be based on income</a> and <a href="https://www.mrmoneymustache.com/" target="_blank">Mr Money Mustache</a> website.<br />
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Retirement isn’t the only reason to make long term investments. Long term investments can also be used to start a business, launch a non profit organization, or become an endowment for a foundation.</div>
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I recommend using a <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive_management">passive investment strategy</a>. Many people think a more active management will result in better return. Some people do a ton of research in the attempt to pick the very best stock. Other people outsource this work to a financial advisor they trust or a well respected mutual fund that is actively managed. I would recommend not doing these things. First, active management results in fees which eat into any gains you might have made. More important, while many people can beat the general market over the short term, the book <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KKXMZQ/"><i>A Random Walk Down Wall Street</i></a> documents there are <i><b>only two</b></i> big named investors who have beat the general market over the long term: Warren Buffet and Peter Lynch. You are much more likely to win a large lottery than you are to beat the market over the long term. It's very possible to beat the market for a modest period of time, but in the end, the market will do better than whatever strategy that you choose. That's because no one can successfully time the market. People have a tendency to believe that they are able to choose when to buy and sell to maximize profits. The truism "Past performance is no guarantee of future returns" is critical. No one can predict the future and so you only <i>think</i> (incorrectly) that you know the best time to take an action. The final bit of advise I would give is to "keep disciplined". Humans natural fears of lose often drive people to buy high and sell low. They buy high because they see huge gains made by everyone else and they fear losing out and so invest just as an issue peaks. Then the bubble bursts, the stock falls, and it looks like they are losing all sorts of money. Eventually panic sets in and the stock is sold after it has lost value. Investing in the stock market needs to be done for the long term. The market goes up and down over time, but it continues to gain value over time. It's best to put your money in, and then do your very best <b><i>not to track</i></b> the changes except for the purpose to rebalancing your investment allocation.</div>
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One of the simplest passive investment strategies is called the <a href="http://www.bogleheads.org/wiki/Three-fund_portfolio">three fund portfolio</a>. Originally developed by John Bogle who started Vanguard Group. Money is split between very low overhead index funds which track over overall US stock market, international stocks, and bonds. Given today’s global market, some people use just two fund, a US total index and a bond index fund. A general rule of thumb seems to be the percent in the stocks should be 120 - your age. So if you are 30, 90% should be in stocks, with just 10% in bonds / cash. Once every six months determine if your percent allocation (stock, bond, cash) is what you want and if not, do exchanges to get the ratio where you want if to be. If you don’t own your home, you might what to consider a forth fund for your portfolio which tracks real estate. If you own a home this might not be necessary since many people have a significant portion of their net worth tide up in their home.</div>
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Action</div>
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<ul>
<li>Identify your "retirement" (financial independence) target</li>
<li>If your employer offers 401K or 403B plan, take advantage of the plan so long as their plan allows the money to be invested in low overhead index funds. If you can afford it, make the maximum tax deductible contribution.</li>
<li>If you can afford to save more money contribute to a Roth-IRA or traditional-IRA if you qualify.</li>
<li>If you already have long term investments which aren’t following a passive investment strategy, consider selling them and reinvesting into a passive investment portfolio</li>
</ul>
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<b>Insurance</b></div>
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The number one reason for families to final for bankruptcy, to be homeless, etc are medical debts. No one can predict medical health. Someone can be apparently completely healthy one day, and find themselves in the hospital racking up tens of thousands of dollars of expense each day. I think it is fairly irresponsible not to carry medical insurance in our current society. Often times people look for plans which have low deducible. While low deductible is nice, I generally encourage people to pay much close to attention to the catastrophic coverage and the medicine benefits. Whenever possible I encourage people to select plans which cover 100% of the expensive once a deductible is reached. With serious conditions, it is very possible to have $1M work of medical expenses in a year. A plan which coverless 80% of expenses come means $200k that is owned by an individual. I also encourage paying close attention to the medicine coverage because for most people, they spend more money on the medicines than on the doctor visits. Beyond medical insurance is home and auto insurance. Like medical insurance it's most important to protect yourself against what you can't afford. So if you are driving an old car you can afford to replace, it might make sense just to carry liability insurance.<br />
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<b>Buy a House?</b></div>
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Part of the classic "American Dream" is owning one's own home. In the past, home ownership has been one of the most powerful ways for family to build wealth, but it's not a guarantee. Part of what fueled the mortgage crisis was people purchasing homes they couldn't afford assuming that the value of the house would continue to rise and that in the future they could re-finance based on the increased value of their home. Like all purchases, I think no one should purchase a home whose cost is more than they can afford.</div>
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There is often the question buy or rent. The first exercise I think everyone should do before answering this question is compare the cost of a home to the cost of renting. The total cost of the house should be calculated (mortgage, property taxes, upkeep, insurance, deductible from taxes) and compare that to the he cost of renting something of equal size. In several markets, renting ends up being cheaper.</div>
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There are several reasons to consider renting rather than buying. The first is freedom. If you want to move there isn't the hassle of having to sell your home. Switching residence can be done more easily, be it to change the size, quality, or location. There have been a number of studies which have suggested that people who rent have actually been more financially successful because they have been more willing to move to advance their career. People who own their own homes tend to be much more reluctant to move. Another advantage of renting is that you are often freed from having to deal with many of the hassles associated with home ownership: the maintanance to counter the inevitable decay and breakdown experience by all physical objects.</div>
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There are several reasons it can make sense to purchase a home, even if renting a place is less expensive at the present time. First is that home ownership can be a hedge against inflation. In many markets, it is reasonable to assume the price of rents will continue to raise. If a home is purchased with a fixed mortgage the cost of the mortgage stays the same, even though the price of everything else is rising. A second on reason to purchase a home is to have the ability to have / create a space than meets your specific needs. Third, the home can be a leveraged investment <i><b>if </b></i>the value of the home grows more quickly than the mortgage interest. There have been several long term studies which suggest that homes tend to increase in value around the same rate as the stock market (faster in places like the SF Bay Area) while having the stability / safety of a classic bond.<br />
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<b>Automate Your System</b><br />
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Tim Ferriss has a good guest blog post by Ramit Sethi about building an <a href="https://tim.blog/2009/03/26/the-psychology-of-automation-building-a-bulletproof-personal-finance-system/">automated personal finance system</a>. The punch line is that a without an automated system we are facing more financial decisions that we are able to process in a wise manner. Rather than having to face those decisions one at a time, we should put our finances on "automatic" as much as possible. The classic example of this is rather than each month deciding if / how much money to save, set-up an automate transfer into a saving account for some reason, set amount. You don't have to think about it, it just happens.</div>
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Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-53599326906482712152014-02-27T09:11:00.000-08:002018-01-28T22:17:19.841-08:00Hospitality Delivered: Hints When Providing MealsI have written early a bit about the important Christian practice of offering
<a href="http://verber.blogspot.com/2011/12/hospitality.html" target="_blank">hospitality</a>.
Often this hospitality is in the form of opening our homes to others. We we can also extend hospitality beyond our homes by providing meals to others.<br />
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In the last 30 years I have been both a recipient of, and a provider of meals delivered to the home. Reasons have varied, the joy of a new birth, the pain of losing someone dear, a life overwhelmed by chemotherapy or other trauma. Providing a meal to doesn't have to be complicated, just do whatever you can. That said, I think there are a number of things we can do to make the providing a meal deliver the most benefit.<br />
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0) When dropping off a meal, be sensitive to the family needs. Sometimes the very best thing is to hand a bag/box filled with the food you are providing to the family at the door, not even go inside. Sometimes when dropping off food, the family would like nothing better for you to come inside and spend some time with them. Take your lead from the family. Make it clear that it's a priveldge to provide a meal and they are under no obligation to ask you in. but if you don't have another obligation that you need to get to, that you would happy to spend some time with them.<br />
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1) Make sure you know of any dietary restrictions or food allergies so the people you are providing food to can eat it. Some people might need you to avoid peanuts, food containing gluten, foods that have a high glycemic index (diabetics) etc.<br />
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2) Deliver food in disposable containers. Best if the containers can survive microwave and/or oven use. This saves them the hassle of having to clean the dishes and the sometimes difficult chore of returning the dishes.<br />
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3) Consider bringing the main dish in two containers. One that is for the first night, and a second which could be used the first night if they are extra hungry (or have a guest), put in the refrigerator to use the following night, or can go strait into the freezer. [Put a date, and name of the item on the container so it's not a mystery in the freezer.]<br />
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4) Select food which doesn't have to be eaten immediately. It's great to deliver a hot meal, but sometimes the recipients aren't able to enjoy it immediately. So make sure the food will be good reheated. Even better, select food that will freeze well. For fresh items that won't freeze, make sure that it will do well if stored in the refrigerator for a day. For example, if you provide a salad, provide salad dressing in a separate container which can be added just before the salad is eaten so the greens don't wilt.<br />
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5) Within your knowledge of the family and what food others have brought, bring something a bit different that you believe the family will like. Getting lasagna or a casserole every night will get tiresome.<br />
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6) Leave a card with a description of the main dish and the recipe (or a URL to the online recipe) or the name of the restaurant. If they really like it, they don't have to track you down. Having the list of ingredients is also helpful to people who have food allergies.<br />
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7) If you have the privilege of bringing food more than once, ask "Would you like the same thing again, or try something new?"<br />
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8) Consider bring a dessert. Yeah, it's not healthy to eat dessert every night, but when we are bringing food, there are other considerations. Home made is nice, but store bought is just fine. Ice cream is always a legitimate dessert :)<br />
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9) Consider bringing flowers, candy, wine, nuts, cheese, fruit, or something else that compliments the food. You will need to know the people to have a good idea of what would be appreciated.<br />
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For some additional ideas, and especially for people coordinating meals, check out Bethany's<a href="http://www.theselittleloves.com/2014/02/tips-for-bringing-new-mom-or-anyone.html" target="_blank"> tips for bringing new mom or anyone else meals</a>.<br />
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Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. </blockquote>
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Romans 12:9-13</blockquote>
Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-85656854664258070782012-12-30T22:38:00.000-08:002018-01-28T22:18:07.713-08:00Rule of Reciprocation<!--?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8" standalone="no"?-->
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A month ago I happened upon a short story on NPR about the <a href="http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2012/11/26/165570502/give-and-take-how-the-rule-of-reciprocation-binds-us">rule of reciprocation</a>. The human inclination to reciprocate has been used by canny individuals and organizations throughout time to extract factorable actions from others. Over the years I have worked for companies that have different standards about gifts received from vendors and business partners. Some employers forbid any gratuity. At the time I thought this was extreme and unnecessary, but I now have an appreciation, even respect for such a firm policy. I find myself wondering how much an inexpensive meal might have influenced my decisions. I want to say it hasn't, or only minimally, but how can I know?<br />
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One of the examples cited in the NPR story was the Hare Krishna passing out "free" flowers and then asking for a donation. I can still remember the first time I saw a Hare Krishna doing this in an airport: a tired traveler was trying to get through the airport as quickly as he could, a Hare Krishna moved to block the traveler's path, nearly forced a flower into his hand and then requested a donation. What happened next surprised me, the frustrated and angry traveler pull out his wallet and gave a donation even though he clearly didn't want the flower nor did he want to support Hare Krishna.
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Yesterday we were walking in Haight-Asbury district and a "monk" told my daughter that he liked her haircut, placed several books in her hand saying they were a free gift of enlightenment, and then asked for a donation. She wasn't carrying any cash and said so. He turned to me, and asked for a donation. I said I had no money for him. He tried to guilt me into giving him money suggested that I likely drove a Volvo and had plenty of money. I was unmoved. He took the books back from my daughter and looked for his next victim. It wasn't a free gift or a genuine desire to share a blessing. This is an attempt to manipulate us into giving him money. Shame on him. </div>
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I started to think about other encounters I have had over the last few years and realized that I have become much less influenced by reciprocation. It used to be that when I was given a gift and I didn't have a gift to give in return would often make up an excuse, and then as quickly as possible go out and purchase a "gift" to return. I rarely feel that today. I used to fight for the bill when sharing a meal with a friend. With some friends and family members it was a competition to see who could get the server to give them the bill. In the last year I have lost most of this compulsion. Most meals I still offer to pick up the tab, a way to demonstrate my appreciation for the time we shared, but if my dining partner suggests splitting the bill or offers to pick up the tab I don't fight about it. Am I becoming someone is so selfish that reciprocity has not impact? I don't think so.<br />
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Gifts seem to have an increasingly small influence on me, but I am also finding myself feeling freer to give gifts. I find myself worrying less about how people will perceive me, and more on my attitude when receiving and/or giving a gift. I wrote a bit about the dynamics of giving a couple of weeks ago in the post <a href="http://verber.blogspot.com/2012/12/compassion-without-control.html" target="_blank">Compassion or Control</a>. Today feel less guilt when I don't offer help to someone on the street than I did a couple of years ago, but it's not because I am becoming more uncaring, just that I don't feel called to help that one person at this time. That isn't to say that I don't offer help. Fairly frequently when asking "Can you spare a dollar so I can get something to eat" I will pause and offer a quick prayer for the person and their situation. Often I will be moved to say "I don't have a spare dollar, but I have a debt card, lets take you to XYZ and I will buy you a meal". But if I don't have a sense that I need to do something, I am content.</div>
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After years of studying the Bible, learning from Jesus' life, learning more about God, I have come to truly believe in grace. That is unmerited favor. That there is NOTHING I can do to make God love me. That anything good that has happened to me is not because I am good or done something "right", but because God is good, kind, merciful. So when I am given something "for free", I receive it with thankfulness, without the expectation that I can pay the person back. Likewise, I am feeling increasingly free to give where I feel led, be that my money, time, energy, and attention and to not worry so much about the response I get. I think this is a good thing, even if it sometimes violates others expectations.</div>
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If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. If you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners in order to receive back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.</div>
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Luke 6:32-36</div>
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Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-57650161240518598082012-12-08T13:37:00.002-08:002018-01-29T16:56:22.225-08:00Compassion without Control<!--?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8" standalone="no"?-->
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A week ago, a photograph went viral which showed a <a href="http://www.petapixel.com/2012/11/29/photo-of-nypd-police-officers-random-act-of-kindness-goes-viral/">nypd officer's act of kindness</a>. Like many people I was touched by the officer's act, as well as the response of many people to the picture that had been taken. Since the picture was taken a more detailed story came out, indicating that <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/paul-raushenbush/should-we-give-a-homeless-man-shoes_b_2245506.html">the shoeless man's story is a bit more complex</a>. Cynics might say, the act of kindness was foolish. I think this would be a mistake.</div>
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I often feel a tension when I see someone who appears to be homeless or otherwise in need. I don't want to be a fool, to be taken advantage. I don't want to empower or encourage bad decisions, but I would like to really help them. I am happy to pay a cost if it would make a difference. Sometimes I think I shouldn't give people help directly, rather I should give my time and money to one of the many organizations that serve marginalize people on the theory that they are more likely to see to it that the money actually helps a person. Yet, I think this is this is at best an incomplete solution.</div>
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I am seeing that when I am confronted by people in need, it isn't just about the person or their apparent need. This is also about my heart. The question is "Can I give without strings attached? Can I let go of the results, give up any sense of control?" A phrase that I recently heard (though I haven't read the book so I don't know if it taking about exactly what I am) is <a href="http://www.lovewithoutagenda.com/">love without agenda</a>. I find that I have a very hard time doing this.</div>
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So how do I resolve this tension? My answer recently is with prayer, by being sensitive to how God is moving my heart. The truth is that I can't know how a gift, act of service, any help I provide might be used or what it will accomplish. I can't see the future. What might appear good right now, might have unintended negative consequences down the road. Likewise, something that seemed to do good right now might not have a good long term effect. I find Ephesian 2:10 to be a great comfort:</div>
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For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.</blockquote>
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This suggests to me that there is more at play that just my ability to assess a situation and make a good decision. That God himself is providing opportunities to love and serve. The question is not "what will the outcome be", but "is this something God is asking me to do now". A focus on pleasing God rather than seeing a specific outcome, trusting that God knows what He is doing, and that I have the honor to participate in His grand work. What may appear to be folly right now, but produce untold blessings in the future. Imagine with me that the prodigal son in Luke 15 was a real person rather than a parabolic character. We can be appalled by the prodigal's conduct, and that his father enabled such bad decisions. Yet, that story has also served to be a source of great encouragement and wisdom for nearly 2000 years.</div>
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Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith. (Galatians 6:9-10, NASB)</blockquote>
Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-5029584715538135202012-05-28T21:49:00.003-07:002018-01-30T22:17:35.028-08:00Darwin Awards… Maybe We are Stupid Too.For numerous years the <a href="http://darwinawards.com/darwin/">Darwin Awards</a> have documented the amazing stupidity of some people. I know many people who like to read these stories and laugh and cry at the sheer stupidity reported. Why do so many of us seem to like the Darwin Awards? I wonder if it lets us feel a bit smug, a bit arrogant, a "I know I am better than those idiots. Yes, that's a pretty low bar, but I know I would never be that stupid."<br />
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I have been wondering if we should offer some sort of new award. One that we all qualify for. I am not sure what to call it. Maybe "I'm with stupid, because I can't get away from myself." What got me thinking about this was seeing a post by an old acquaintance warning that cops in a local county were ticketing people for not wearing seat belts. My reaction was "Who is so stupid that they don't wear a seat belt? Don't they know that <a href="http://www.nsc.org/safety_road/DriverSafety/Pages/SeatBelts.aspx" target="_blank">seat belts save countless lives</a>?" Alright, not countless, the upper bound is around 12,000 people/year in the US plus much larger number that would have been spared injuries. I posted a snarky response.<br />
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I was tempted to pile on even more, noting that failing to wear a seat belt is almost as stupid as smoking cigarettes which would be a double slam since several people on the thread smoke. I could justify commenting on smoking because the data about <a href="http://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/data_statistics/fact_sheets/health_effects/effects_cig_smoking/" target="_blank">negative consequences from smoking</a> is clear and staggering. Before I added this comment, heap even more judgement on, God prodded me, pointing out that not only was I being arrogant and judgmental, but that I am no smarter.<br />
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I regularly do things I know are stupid. I wish it wasn't true, but I can be just as stupid and irrational as the next guy. I have just been lucky that my stupidity hasn't ended my life, gotten me a ticket, or resulted in some chronic condition… yet, I think. So what stopped me dead in my tracks? What did God whisper in my ear? "Yeah, you would never do something stupid like that. You wouldn't let your weight get to an unhealthy level or let your life get so sedentary that basic exercise wipes you out. Need I continue?" No need. I am perfectly capable of making a fairly long list now that I have gotten started. The next that came to my mind "I won't be so stupid to put off going to the dentist when I have a simple cavity which would be a minor pain. I would rather wait a year or so until I have a killer tooth ache, I have to go in and have an emergency root canal which is an order of magnitude more money and pain." I could go on, but you get the point. Hmm... I can be pretty stupid.<br />
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Recently I have enjoyed sharing a fascinating study that has been repeatedly performed with identical results. That <a href="http://tierneylab.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/03/20/yes-money-can-buy-happiness/" target="_blank">giving money away often makes people happier</a> than spending it on themselves. The punchline that I love is that after at least one of these studies, the participants were gathered together at the end of the day. The results were shared. People told stories from their day which confirmed the results. Just before leaving, the participants where asked the question "If you could choose which group you would be placed in, which would it be?" 78% said, "The group that can spend them money on themselves." My immediate reaction to this is "How could they be so stupid? They just participated in a study that demonstrated that they would be happier if they gave the money way!!" And yet, how often do I do something equality stupid… where I have data, facts, truths, that I know are correct, but I take actions that are contrary to them. My daughter sometimes says "I am not so smart", typically just after she found herself doing something that she knew wasn't going to work. I often say "What am I going to do with you?" and then I try to comfort her and remind her that I will always love her, no matter what stupid thing she does. But I could just as easily be saying "I don't know what to do with me" because I regularly do things I know are stupid, just like my daughter. I am just better at hiding them than she is. There are a number of books that explore the dynamic of how people find themselves doing things that they know are stupid or wrong such as <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Mistakes-Were-Made-But-ebook/dp/B003K15IOE/" target="_blank"><i>Mistakes Were Made</i></a> and <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Vital-Lies-Simple-Truths-Self-Deception/dp/0684831074/" target="_blank"><i>Vital Lies, Simple Truths</i></a>.<br />
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So what do we do? How do we see our own self deception and stop it. Well, knowing it is there, and having the humility to admit it may be good, but that doesn't fix the problem. Do we spend a bunch of time introspecting? I don't think that works too well. Jeremiah 17:9 states that "<i>The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; Who can understand it?</i>". This suggests that self examination is likely to have limited success.<br />
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Jeremiah suggests there is an answer in the following verse: “<i>I, the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, Even to give to each man according to his ways, according to the results of his deeds.</i>" My first observation is that God does understand what's going on. It is possible for Him to reveal the truth to us. In Philippians 3 Paul encourages his readers to press forward in view of God's love. And then there is this short phrase, "<i>and if in anything you have a different attitude, God will reveal that also to you</i>". Paul has confidence, that if there is a problem, God will bring up it. Thankfully, it seems he brings our attention to the most important things, not everything. A good friend is fond of saying that she is never surprised when sin in her life is pointed out. What surprises her is how little is pointed out… that God is gracious with us and only bring up things that need attention now, rather than crushing us with a complete and full understanding of our sin.</div>
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So, how does God reveal a different attitude? Sometimes it's something dramatic like a vision or a dream. Sometimes, it's like a breeze, whispering in our ear. Maybe a particular verse in the Bible comes to mind and we realize it's talking about us rather than someone else. Maybe it's when we stop and look at what we actually have done and the results from those actions. I am amazing how easy it is to repeat actions that consistently don't produce the result we hope for, yet we continue doing the same thing, with an irrational hope that somehow it will go better the next time.<br />
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Most often though, I think we hear God's voice through our community and friends. From people who seek and speak truth. The more we embrace community and transparency, the more likely it is that we will get the help we need. We need people who will speak into our lives. It's too easy for us to blind ourselves to the truth. And the scary thing is that once we start to deceive ourselves, ignoring what we know to be true, all too often we do this more and more. A little step, at little step, and eventually we find ourselves completely lost. The first chapter of the book of Romans talks about a slide into insanity which starts simply be refusing to be grateful.<br />
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The scripture is filled with passages that talk about how if we don't use what is given, that not only do we not get more, but we often lose what we already have. I have seen this happen in many people's lives. Several months ago I was talking with a friend who was just waking up after a couple of years of profound self deception. During this time he had engaged in conduct that he, and everyone who knows him was shocked by. He imperiled everything that he thought was valuable. What shocked me more than the depths he had fallen into was how he had completely lost track of some very basic truths. Things I had seen him live out, things I had seen him teach others. Yet, as I was talking to him one evening, stating things I had heard him say in the past, he was surprised. He said "I have never thought about it that way before." WRONG! He had. But he had forgotten. What was going on? He didn't use it, so he lost it. What he had was taken away. Thankfully, that's not the end of the story. Over the next several weeks he continued to seek others input, to seek God's face. Several weeks later I saw the beginnings of a changed man. Someone who had a long road ahead of him, but a road that would not just restore him to the place he was before his fall, but ultimately would take him to a place of deeper understanding and maturity. There are profound, very painful consequences from what this man did. I have no idea what the full ramifications will be in this life, but I am confident that in the end of time, God will bring healing and comfort to all effected. That every tear will be dried.<br />
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One of the things I noticed in this man's life, and in mine as well… that when were we are actively involved in a community with others who are committed to transparency and speaking truth, that we did better. That those first, small steps away from truth were often adverted when the correction was relatively easy, and the consequences were slight. A very good reason to cherish and cultivate relationships with people who are committed to truth, to honestly, and have the courage to speak lovingly into our lives. This has also been a good reminder that it's important to be willing to initiate those uncomfortable conversations if we see those who are dear to us are starting down a path that won't end well.</div>
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Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-8593555963486669182012-05-18T07:16:00.000-07:002018-02-07T17:55:53.706-08:00Attitudes & DatingThe following was written as a companion to a teaching series about dating at PBC's <a href="https://pbc.org/young-adult">Young Adult Fellowship</a>. While this post specifically addresses dating relationships, the core principle is equally applicable to platonic friendships or relationships with coworkers.<br />
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I have had countless conversations over the years with friends about how hard the "dating dance" is and how there are so many potential pitfalls. From these conversations it is clear that my friends so much want someone who will cherish them, someone to share the joys of life with, but finding that person is so difficult and painful they can sometimes wonder if it is worth it. I encourage them to seek to understand how God might want bless them, be it though <a href="http://verber.blogspot.com/2012/05/blessings-of-marriage-and-singleness.html" target="_blank"> singleness or marriage</a>. What's most important is to be open to what God is doing.<br />
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I have often noticed my friends struggle more than is necessary because they are <a href="http://verber.blogspot.com/2012/05/romance-intimacy.html" target="_blank">seeking romance but really want intimacy</a>. But even when my friends have known what they are looking for, there are still plenty of struggles. I often hear my friends wrestling with:<br />
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<li>Why can't I find someone I want to date?</li>
<li>Why don't people want to date me?</li>
<li>How can I avoid being taken advantage of, how can I be sure I don't give away too much?</li>
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Often I suggest to my friends that they need a mind shift, a new approach to dating. An approach that moves things from the realm of chemistry and instant connection into the realm if intimacy and friendship which can be the basis for a wondrous relationship. I think there is a new perspective which addresses all of these questions.<br />
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Don't Be a Consumer...</span></h2>
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The question "what are you looking for?" in relation to who to date is understandable, but can put us in the wrong mindset. I have noticed some people looking at potential dates almost the way they would look at cars. Comparing price, features, style, etc. I believe the advent of online dating services have fueled this tendency. Statistics from <a href="http://mashable.com/2012/03/24/online-dating-infographic-2/" target="_blank">For Love or Money: Does Online Dating Really Work? </a>indicate that 73% marriage partners still meet the "old fashion way", but I think online dating services have changed many people's expectations, even those who don't meet their future spouse through a dating site. There are countless profiles one can peruse. These sites give the impression that there is a huge, an almost unlimited number of possible dating / marriage partners. These sites provide <b><i>an illusion that if we are willing to wait, we will be able to find exactly what we are looking for</i></b>.</div>
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Most of us believe the more choices we have, the happier we will be, because we will be able to choice what is perfect. Unfortunately, that's not how it works. Barry Schwartz throughly explores this issue in his book <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Paradox-of-Choice-ebook/dp/B000TDGGVU/" target="_blank">The Paradox of Choice</a></i>. What he, and a number of other researchers have found is that if you give people more choices, they tend to make worse choices, and they tend to be less content with choices they make… especially if they believe the will be able to change their mind in the future. This was nicely summarized in Dan Gilbert's talk <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy.html" target="_blank">Why are We Happy</a>. Applied to dating and marriage, if you are getting involved with someone, but are thinking in the back of your mind, "Maybe this is the right person, maybe they aren't, there are other people if this doesn't work out" you are less likely to see the relationship go well. I am not advocating to going back to arranged marriages, or that you have to marry the first person you date, but I will suggest <b><i>how you approach the relationship may have much more to do with how successful the relationship is than picking the perfect person</i></b>.<br />
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The final way a consumer orientation will lead you wrong is that it can set your expectations too high. You start to have an expectation that this wonderful person you have found will make your life better, they will fulfill you. The relationship will go well because you found someone great. This is doomed. No matter how special or wonderful the other person is, that if you are looking to them to complete you, to meet all your needs and desires, you will be sadly disappointed. You are designed for life in a community. You are designed to be in relationship with God. <b><i>There are many things that only God can provide</i></b>. You will get nothing but grief if you decide to remove all the other avenues God might use in your life by saying "my date or my spouse, they are my provision". Furthermore, if you have troubling finding that one person, or the person you found fails you, it's very easy to turn the consumer thinking around and wonder if the reason you have having trouble is because you aren't a good "product", e.g. that you aren't worthy of love. <b><i>The best ground to start a relationship with someone else is to be confident in God's love for you.</i></b></div>
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… Be an Investor</span></h2>
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A very common issues I have seen a number of friends struggle with, especially though who are trying online dating is a fear that they are going to be taken advantage of, that they will give away things while dating that they shouldn't. One response to this in some Christian circles toward avoiding "dating", and to embrace "courtship". I have often seen people taking a "courtship" perspective, while avoiding some pitfalls of modern dating, run headlong into others. A fear of being taken from, of lose, demonstrates a perspective which is rooted in taking rather than giving. A key truth is that people can't steal something you are freely giving. I have seem people (typically men) who are reluctant to invest in a relationship unless they are sure that the other person is going to reciprocate their interest. This self protection almost always results in a failed relationship because it shows a lack of courage, and an unwillingness to love unconditionally. I think the <b><i>secret to good dating relationships is to be focused on giving rather than taking</i></b>.<br />
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I encourage my friends to ask the questions"What am I bringing into this relationship?" and "what am I investing into this relationship?" This is a focus on service, and looking for opportunities to grow, to learn, to care for someone else. My experience is that relationships where one or both of the participants viewed the relationship as a context to learn and grow in love did well. That's not to say that the dating led to marriage, or marriage didn't have their struggles, just that if the dating relationships ended, both people tended to part as friends, that the marriages were able to push through the tough times, and that the couple would say that the dating relationship was a force of good in their life. For me, this perspective was instilled by the teaching and example of the leaders of the church I attended in college and as a young adult. Much of what I was taught got turned into the book <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Spiritual-Relationships-Dating-Marriage-ebook/dp/B004FGLOE6/" target="_blank">Spiritual Relationship That Last</a></i> which was written by two of our pastor / elders. If I was to select a single sentence from this book, to extract the key to a successful relationship, it would be "... is not to <b><i>find</i></b> the right person, but to <b><i>become</i></b> the right person: a person who has learned to practice Christian love at the most intimate level"<br />
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Rather that viewing dating primarily as a way to determine if a person is your future mate it is much better to view your dating relationship as an opportunity to learn to love someone, to grow, and to help your date to grow. Dating relationships provide wonderful opportunities to develop relationship skills. Dating provides opportunities to influence each other. To encourage each other, to challenge each other to grow. Dating provides time to learn about someone. During the early stages of a dating relationship I would suggest that we need to strongly resist the tendency to ask "is this the person I will marry?". Rather, just enjoy learning who this wondrous person is. They are fearfully and wonderfully made. God is doing something special with them. What an adventure to get to see the arc of their life. Maybe you will get to share life's journey as a spouse, maybe as a friend... but <b><i>whatever the outcome, the time spent dating someone isn't wasted</i></b>. The time will come when you will have to decide how a relationship will evolve, but there are many good outcomes, several of which don't involve marriage. Even chance encounters with people you will never see again <a href="https://verber.blogspot.com/2012/04/relational-openness-and-delightful.html">could be a blessing</a>.</div>
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When we feel attraction toward someone else, it's hard to know if we are actually investing in them, loving them, or if we are largely being driven by our emotions and desires. Our hearts are best revealed when what we desire is denied. Our response to a relationship ending truly reveals our heart, but that's too late. I sometimes encourage people to do a thought experiment. Lets say a young man is struggling through his feelings toward a young lady. I ask him to consider how he would response if after a bit the women he is attracted to shares that she feels that she has been called to go to Siberia as a missionary in the next year, and he didn't. I will ask the young man "If you are confident that she is called to this ministry could you set aside your personal desire for her as a romantic partner, join with others to provide financial support, pray for her daily, encourage her to follow strongly after the Lord, even though that takes her to a distant country?" I might even challenge him to imagine he knows a godly man who was also called to Siberia. I ask "Could you introduce them knowing they might get married which would be a blessing for them, giving both a partner in a tough ministry." If the answer is "I don't think I could do that" I ask the question "Why not?" This is the sort of love we are called to have.<br />
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Earlier I recommended several <a href="http://verber.blogspot.com/2012/04/two-recommended-books-on-dating.html" target="_blank">books about dating</a>. The two books that I think are particularly relevant to this post are <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B000SELANY/" target="_blank">The Marriage Builder</a></i> by Larry Crabb and <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Meaning-Marriage-Complexities-ebook/dp/B0054TVVPK/" target="_blank">The Meaning of Marriage</a></i> by the Kellers. These two books explore the issues I have raised in much more detail.<br />
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As for me, this is a season of singleness. A time to take care of my daughter and to figure out what's next in life. Of course not dating doesn't mean you can't invest in other people's lives. I still get the pleasure of spending time with new and old friends, hearing their stories, and maybe helping them along the way. Being in community is precious.<br />
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Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, [dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.</div>
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Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-65936863576948162612012-05-17T06:00:00.002-07:002018-01-28T22:21:00.006-08:00On the Same Spiritual JourneyAs I mentioned in earlier postings, you shouldn't expect to find someone who is a perfect compliment for you, someone who is perfectly mature. Why? Because both you are a work in progress. Neither of you will be fully formed and "perfect". So it's pointless to look at a person as they are now, and expect that's who they will be in the future. Just getting married is likely to change them. Rather, you need to be able to see who they are becoming.<br />
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Anyone who knows me will realize that I think that our relationship with God is core, central to life, so this perspective has a strong influence of the rest of this post. My understanding of the Bible is that God wants all people to have a right relationship with Him based on His love and justice, and that in response to God's initiation toward us that we grow in maturity, in love, to become more like Jesus in our everyday lives. I believe that the Bible promises that this will be accomplished in an ultimate sense, that we will see the final result of this when God forms a new heaven and new earth. We are active participants, we can decided to respond to God's loving initiation and grow in <i>this</i> life, or we can hold on to our old, selfish ways, and see very little growth or love. The open question is how much of a transformation you and your beloved might experience in this lifetime. My desire, and I hope yours, is to experience as much of this life giving change as I can in this life. If this is your desire, that I would encourage you to seek someone who is going this same direction, someone who has a strong desire, and a commitment to grow in love and understanding so you can be companions, encouraging one another, and helping one another as the years go by and as life changes.<br />
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Since people aren't static, since people are changing, what's most important is not who they are right now, but who they are becoming. So if following God, growing in love, are important to you, then this is something to be looking for. I would encourage you not to look at just externals, like "Do they go to church"… yes, the absence of church is telling, but the presents doesn't provide much information. A much more important question is when God puts a challenge before them, when their world is shaken up, do they gratefully and quickly take the correction and respond to what God is showing them, or do they dig in their heels and want to keep where they are? Are they quick to choose to serve, or do the prize their personal comfort and peace. Seek someone who is seeking God first, and who wants to learn and grow with you. A shared life toward God.<br />
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It's very important for a married couple to share a core world view. Otherwise they will be pulling at each other. If core values and beliefs are vary too much, either there will be irreconcilable difference which will affect everything, or one will be forced to compromise which typically doesn't go well. This means that someone who is strongly committed to a religion or world view should stay within that system. Bible believing Christians, with Christians, Koran believing Muslims with Muslims, militant atheists with atheists, etc. There are many people who are more nominal in their beliefs and can be happy crossing religious boundaries, for example I know numerous nominal Catholics and Jews who are very happy together because while religious practices are a bit different, their world views and values are quite similar.<br />
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For someone who takes a biblical Christian faith seriously, a shared spiritual life can take many forms. Praying together, serving together, going to church and other spiritual activities. It can be as simple as talking on a walk in the evening and sharing what God has been teaching you that day, or asking for input about an issue or person you are struggling with. The key is that both of you realize that God is involved in your lives, you look for how God is directing you, and you share your insight and listen to your partner. Some people think this means doing Bible studies and morning devotionals together. While this can be a good thing, in my opinion it is not a necessity. Yes, you want a dynamic interaction, to be learning and growing together, encouraging one another and benefitting from what the other is learning. This sort of interaction doesn't have to be in the context of a formal study, it can happen in daily life provided you leave space for it to occur and initiate with each other. I would suggest that if the only time you talk about such things is in a formal study, something is deeply wrong.</div>
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Some people reading this post might already be married. Maybe you came to faith after you were married, maybe you felt the person you married was so special that somehow your difference in faith could be overcome. My encouragement, the Bible's encouragement is to stick with your commitment to your spouse. To love them, and to be a positive influence in their life. Paul talks about how a Christian wife or husband can be a blessing, a force for good in their partner's life. This will not be easy. I have seen strong and successful marriages where one partner was a high committed Christian and the other was not a Christian. These couples have figure out how to agree to disagree. They have learned to support the other person's passions and activities without compromising their own integrity. For example, I know a couple where the wife is passionate about world missions, and the husband doesn't believe in Jesus. Yet, because he recognizes how important missions is to his wife, He is able to value the work she does. He encourages her to take trips, helps with logistics planning, will got to meetings that promote the acts of service. He loves his wife, he sees that this work brings her joy, so he supports her. Likewise, she is deeply invested in his life and the things that are close to his heart. And yet, I know that both partners feel a tension, and areas of life they would like to share with the other, but can't. Much more common are relationships where these difference tear people apart. Where beliefs and practices are belittled, where commitments to activities are viewed as stealing from the family, etc. This is much, much more common… so if your aren't yet married, I would strongly encourage you not to marry unless you find your faith aligned.</div>
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I have periodically heard people say "Yes, I know I shouldn't marry a non Christian, but dating would be ok. The Bible doesn't say I have to date Christians." I wonder if the reason there is no passage that said "don't date non Christians" is because dating didn't exist when the Bible was written. Rather than asking the question "Is it permitted?" a better question is "Is it profitable, loving?" The problem I see with dating non Christians is what happens if the relationship goes well. All too often I have seen a couple enjoy each other, grow closer together and then the question comes up, "Where do we go from here?" A Bible following Christian is in a difficult place. On the one hand, they see real value in their relationship, they would like it to continue. On the other hand, the Bible is pretty clear that we shouldn't enter into a marriage with a non Christian. They have three options. One option is to keep up barriers so the relationship only progresses so far, e.g. short of marriage unless the partner decides to walk with Jesus. This can be quite awkward. There is no telling how long this will take, or if it will ever happen. There is also a risk that the relationship will actually be an obstacle to the beloved coming to see God clearly. The second option is to break the relationship off which typically delivers the strangest message. That the relationship is ending because it's too good. "What?" is the common response, followed by their partner feeling judged. Rather than the beloved person hearing the gospel that we all sin, need forgiveness and reconciliation which is offered by God, they hear that somehow they aren't good enough to marry, that they need to "do" something. Often they will feel led on, taken advantage of. The final option is for the Christian to go against something that is clearly in the Scripture. In nearly all cases, I have seen this have very bad consequences… often great relational pain and often struggles if not walking away from a faith which had previously been life giving.<br />
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As I look back at my relationship with Libby, one of the defining characteristics, and one of the biggest blessing for me, was that Libby valued her relationship with the Lord more than with me, and that she was concerned for where I stood in relation to God. In 1980 I saw something wonderful in Libby (I now know it was the Lord's Spirit changing her life). I wanted it, I wanted Libby. She was very attracted to me as well but she resisted her attraction because I wasn't a Christian. As I pursued her, Libby was very careful to give no indication that she was attracted to me. Because she knew of our mutual interest, and didn't want to lead me on, she made sure that we were never alone together. She would invite me to do things with a group, not just her. She never said "Believe in God and you get me." In fact, I think she counted the cost, let go of me completely, choose to live as if we would never date. She was a friend and was careful to make sure I knew that was all there was. Eventually I figured out my deep hunger was for God Himself. Yes, I still wanted Libby, but I could see the Lord is what I was deeply hungering for. I came to faith.</div>
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After I became a Christian I saw Libby a couple times a week at church related events. As I saw more of Libby my interest in her grew. I pursued Libby with even more purpose. Libby knew how much I needed to grow. She sat me down and said "You want to be dating. That's not happening. If we started to date right now, I think it would distract both of us from some really good things that are happening in each of our lives". She wasn't judgmental, she was encouraging. She didn't make any promises, but she didn't close the door either. Over a number of months I learned more about my new faith. I learned to study the Bible, and began to teach my friends what I was learning. I developed relationships with a number of the men in the church. I started to find ways I could serve. I was still attracted to Libby. After a number of months I started to pursue Libby again. I have to tell you that it was quite difficult to convince Libby that dating (and later getting married) was ok. She was afraid she wanted me more than the Lord. She eventually came to the conclusion that with prayer, she could keep the Lord first, but also love and cherish me. I am so glad she had this priority, and also that she decided that it was ok to cherish me as well. Libby's example has continued to challenge and encourage me. Even before we started dating, she put my needs (to know God) before her desires. She continued to do that through out our marriage. I believe I learned to do the same for her.</div>
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Not compromising your beliefs, your faith is a good starting point. Going to church, being involved in a community and serving others is also important, but there is much more. Ultimately, the question is what's in our heart. What directs our lives? Who do we live for? I have seen men and women who built their lives around their spouse. I know people who would say "Wow, I would love someone who is that devoted to me". You might think it would be good to have your spouse that devoted to you, but it doesn't work out so well in most cases. The problem with this is that God is the only one who is worthy of such devotion, such worship. People are just false idols, fallible, imitations of who we should worship. What happens? Eventually the spouse that is being worshipped, who is at the center of the relationship falls. They demonstrate that that aren't worthy. It could be something big or small. However this works out, it shatters the person who put their spouse at the center of their life. They now have to figure out how to go forward, how to rebuild. It's very hard. Much better for God to be at the center of the relationship, and based on that to be devoted to one another.</div>
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I understand the desire to have someone who cherishes you, who loves you. There may be someone in your life right now who cares deeply about you, and you care for them as well, that is great. Or maybe you don't have someone today, but you have hopes for the future. My one request is to make sure you are picking someone who is going in the same direction as you, with the same commitments and passions. If you don't do this, the relationship will fall far short of what God desires for you. Some people struggle with the question "If not this person, who?" I can't answer that, though I appreciate the longing. I deeply miss sharing life with Libby now that she is home with the Lord… but I have to say that as good as it is to be loved and cherished, it pails in comparison to what the Lord has planned out for us. We won't see all of His plans in this life, it's too wondrous for this world. In the mean time, our God is good, good all the time. He will provide what is needed to move our story forward until all is set right again. We can trust that He knows what He is doing, and that if He left us instructions, that there was a good reason, it wasn't capricious or out of cruelty, but out of love.<br />
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Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. We love, because He first loved us. If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from Him, that the one who loves God should love his brother also.</div>
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</div>Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-23545603489454423332012-05-16T06:00:00.000-07:002018-02-07T18:06:08.756-08:00Romance & IntimacyIn my <a href="https://verber.blogspot.com/2012/05/reflections-on-marriage-and.html">previous posts</a> I have suggested that marriage was designed to provide companionship in the context of a committed relationship where both parties choose to sacrificially love the other. The fuel for these sorts of relationships is a bit different from our popular culture's model for happily ever after.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold;">Don't Settle for Romance...</span></h2>
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Conversations with singles who would like to be dating or married inevitable leads to discussions of what they are looking for. I often hear women talking about wanting to find someone they have a "spark" with. When I have asked what this spark is, I typically haven't gotten a clear definition, one of those "you know, spark" answers. I suppose if I watched "The Bachelor" I won't have to ask the question. When I ask guys I get a variety of answers, typically not as concise as the women, but often it boils down to finding someone they share a romantic attraction with. This is mirrored by a study that looked at <a href="http://gruntledcenter.blogspot.com/2012/02/mens-preference-for-educated-women-is.html" target="_blank">how selection criteria for wives changed from 1937 to 2007</a>. According to this survey, the number one thing guys now look for is mutual attraction and love.</div>
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I believe our culture's focus on spark, attraction, romance, chemistry, pick your favorite word, leads many people in the wrong direction, and maybe make it difficult for them to find what their heart truly longs for. Our culture encourages us to look for what I would called natural happiness or pure romance. Pure romance is the idea that we can find our perfect soul-mate, the person that completes us, and once we find that person, everything will be great. We will know when we meet this person, when we have found "true love", because we will feel it, sense it. Unfortunately, this sort of love is based in circumstances and positive emotions. While this is a wonderful experience, this pure romance doesn't have staying power to last a lifetime. The first problem is that circumstances and emotions can and do change. Any relationship based primarily on these things will have struggles, if not fail, as life brings change. Second, these sorts of experiences are subject to what is called adaptive hedonism, or the law of diminishing returns. The first bite of an exotic dish can be amazingly tasty. The 6th bite, while very good, doesn't have the same impact as the first bite. The food hasn't lost it's flavor, it's that we have gotten used to it. Natural romance works the same way. Of course, it doesn't fade so quickly. Depending on the study, the intoxicating aspects of romance have been found to typically last between three months and two years. While the length of time varies between the studies, every study shows a drop off after a period of time. Why? Because eventually we get to know a real person rather than being infatuated with a fantasy, a dream. We begin to see flaws in our love that we original glossed over. We experience conflict when we want different things. For the relationship to do well, there is a need for something more than the initial romantic feelings. That doesn't mean that after a few years marriages will be dry or romance less. It means that romance will need a more substantial fuel to continue to burn hot.</div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold;">… Seek True Intimacy</span></h2>
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I would like to suggest that rather than asking "Who am I attracted to?" a better question is "Who is, or who do I think will become, my best friend". Look for someone who is a kindred spirit. Someone cares about you and the things that are closest to your heart. Start by looking for a friend. Romantic feelings will come and go, but a friendship, true intimacy can not just survive, but grows throughout a shared life. In many cases, if there is intimacy and a desire for romance, the romance will bloom as well. If not, you have a life long friend. I think that the Kellers' made this point better than I could in <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Meaning-Marriage-Complexities-ebook/dp/B0054TVVPK/" target="_blank">The Meaning of Marriage</a></i>:<br />
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I’m not saying that you should marry someone when you feel no attraction. The Bible does indicate that your spouse must be more than your dearest friend, but not less. Most of us know that there is some truth in the stereotype that men overvalue beauty in a prospective spouse and that women overvalue wealth in a potential mate. But if you marry someone more for these things than for friendship, you not only are setting yourself up for future failure—wealth may and sexual appeal will decrease—but you are also setting yourself up for loneliness. For what Adam in the garden needed was not just a sexual partner but a companion, bone of his bones, and flesh of his flesh. If singles accepted this principle, it would drastically change the way people seek a marriage partner in our day. </blockquote>
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It is typical for a single person to walk into a room and see a number of people of the opposite sex and immediately begin to screen them, not for companionship but for attractiveness. Let’s say three out of the ten look appealing. The next step is to approach those three to see what rapport there may be. If one of them will agree to go out on a date, and you get romantically involved, perhaps you’ll see if you can turn that person into a friend as well. The problem is many of your best prospects for friendship were likely among those you ruled out because they were too tall or too short, too fat or too skinny. We think of a prospective spouse as primarily a lover (or a provider), and if he or she can be a friend on top of that, well isn’t that nice! We should be going at it the other way around. Screen first for friendship. Look for someone who understands you better than you do yourself, who makes you a better person just by being around them. And then explore whether that friendship could become a romance and a marriage. So many people go about their dating starting from the wrong end, and they end up in marriages that aren’t really about anything and aren’t going anywhere. </blockquote>
I have repeatedly watch a funny pattern among college students. There will be a girl and a guy who are good friends, often best friends. If you would ask them, there is no romantic attraction, they are just friends. While their friendship develops they are often dating other people and will ask the other for advise with their love life. One day, one of them will wake up and realize that while they have felt attracted to other people, there is no one that they trust or care for more than their friend. All of a sudden they realize what a gem they have, what a great friendship they are enjoying, and realize that they would like more. Yet there is a fear, what if the other doesn't feel the same way. They worry that they might lose the friendship if they reach for more. Often this realization happens as they are considering dating someone else. One day they are asking their friend for advise about a person they are attracted toward, and the next they are asking their best friend out for a date because they realized there is no one they would rather be with. I have seen many marriages start this way, though this doesn't always happen. Sometimes nothing is ever said, they go through life as good friends and many people wonder why they never dated or married. Sometimes they will talk and realize that while they are best friends, that's as far as it will go. Maybe the interest is just one way or they feel called in different directions. Maybe they see areas in life, or fundamental values that would prevent them from enjoying a rich marriage. Talking with someone about changing a friendship into a dating relationship is awkward and can put stress on the friendship. If both people are honest it doesn't have to damage the friendship so long as both are willing to be content with what is mutually agreed to. <br />
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I had the privilege to experience real intimacy, deep love in my relationship with Libby. Through our dating and marriage there were times of intense romance, were we both felt that intoxicating attraction and pull toward each other. There were also difficult time, especially early in our marriage when we both struggled in our personal lives and with each other. During this time even the slightest spark of romantic attraction departed. But the story doesn't end there. I also saw the sparks come back and turn into a blaze as we healed and turned toward each other, cherish one another. The times we were deeply, romantically in love were wonderful, but even the best of those moments don't hold a candle to the times where deep, abiding love was seen and responded to as we connected and worked through difficult issues. When Libby offered to sacrifice her happiness to stand by me, even if I was about to do something stupid, and I responded, change my mind, we both experiences deep intimacy, joy, love. As I cared for Libby in the last days of her life, and she barely had the energy to smile, we both experienced a profound sense of love, connection. I wouldn't trade that last week, painful as it was, for the most "romantic" moments we shared. It might sound odd, but I can't express how much I felt loved, by being able to take care of Libby in those last days, knowing there was nothing Libby could do for me in this life. I think finding the true romance, deep intimacy, is beautifully captured in Sarah Groves song <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1DIAkZ-Pfo" target="_blank">A Different Sort of Happy</a>. Of course, how we seek intimacy has a great influence of whether we find it. I have suggested in another post that your <a href="http://verber.blogspot.com/2012/05/attitudes-dating.html" target="_blank">perspective in dating</a> will effect whether you will find the intimacy you seek.<br />
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Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart. -- Ecclesiastes 4:9-12</blockquote>
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Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-80089437611058895032012-05-15T06:00:00.000-07:002018-01-28T22:21:00.048-08:00What Makes a Good Marriage?One could write a whole book, and many have, about what makes a good marriage. Rather than trying to make an exhaustive list, I am going to highlight just three things. I believe if these three areas are attended to, a marriage will ultimately succeed, blessing the partners and the community they are part of.<br />
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Commitment</h2>
The Bible makes clear that the start of a marriage is a commitment, a covenant, between two people and God. This commitment is for the life. Not just when things are easy, happy, or good. The heart of marriage is choosing to bind your life to another. To care for them, to love them. It seems silly, in light of this to spend any time talking about the importance of commitment… but it seems our culture has lost sight of how important commitment is, and how choosing to commit to someone changes us, makes the marriage stronger and better.<br />
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There has been some interesting research which provide insight into one of the ways commitment improved a marriage. It has been documented that the act of choosing something or someone, making a commitment, actually changes the way we evaluate attractiveness, beauty, goodness, even if we don't remember making the choice. Our brains actually rewire to prefer what we choose, what we make a commitment to. Jesus described this in Matt 6:21, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also". The act of investing in someone makes them more important to you. You will have a tendency to like them more, to find them more value, to feel romantic attraction.<br />
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So the question is, what are we committing to? It's making the other person a priority. Choosing to serve them. To put them before yourself. To choose to sacrificially love them. And lets face it… you are going to need to be sacrificial. Romance often blinds us to our love's flaws. When the fantasy of an ideal marriage partner meets the harsh reality that you married a sinner, you are going to need to sacrifice if you want things to work out. Christ provided the model. One of the most encourage passages in the Bible for me is Romans 5:8 <i>But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.</i> This verse reminds me of the great love that God has toward me. That Jesus sacrificed Himself for my sake. I realize that whatever is before me, is much less than Jesus went through. God initiated love toward me, and based on that I can choose to initiate, to love others with His strength.<br />
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Some people I talk to seem to think a focus on "commitment" is very unromantic. They want passion and romance. I actually believe commitment is the soil that great romance grows best in, that can keep it thriving through the years. One of my favorite "romantic" stories is a bit unusual but touches on how commitment effects romance. I had a friend we can call Paul. He worked with a delightful women I will call Karen. Paul was attracted to her, physically yes, but even more to her courageous spirit and kind heart. Unfortunately for Paul, Karen was married so Paul was careful to be just friends, not to get romantically or inappropriately involved, to honor her wedding vows. A few years into their friendship Karen's husband showed his true colors and deserted her and their two young children. Paul continued to be a friend to Karen, but was now able to hope for more. Several months after the divorce he asked Karen out on a date. She said "No", than she was too overwhelmed by life as a single parent. He counter offered, he just wanted to spend time with her, so he would be happy to do practical things with her if she wasn't free for a "date", and/or if there were tasks she could give him so she would have time to go out, he would do those tasks for her, and then take her out. Over a period of a year Paul was an amazing friend to Karen. Karen came to truly appreciate Paul, but if you would ask her, she would have denied being "in love" with him. She was "in love" once before and she got burned. She couldn't image being "in love" ever again. After a year Paul knew Karen was who he wanted as a wife. He also understand Karen well. His proposal wasn't very romantic in the classic sense. His proposal was "Do you think you would be better off with me in your life, or without me. If life will be better with me, lets get married.". Karen thought about his proposal for a number of days. Eventually she accepted Paul's offer. She didn't jump up and down in excitement. She didn't feel deep romantic attraction, but she did know she was loved and that life with Paul by her side would be good. That was several decades ago. Since then they have had several children of their own. Today if you ask Karen if she is in love with Paul, her answer is an unqualified yes. Romance bloomed out of their shared life, the commitment they made to care for each other, because they continually turned toward each other.<br />
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Intimacy: inviting influence, being transparent</h2>
In the book <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-ebook/dp/B000FC1KCU/" target="_blank">Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work</a></i> John Gotmann shares what makes strong marriages based on the analysis of thousands of married couples. He identified seven key attributes, but nearly all these attributes could be summed up as turn toward your partner in care.<br />
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I have seen how turning toward Libby, being open to her has changed me in all sorts of ways, both big and small. On the small scale, is my musical taste. As I look at the music I have been listening to, I can see Libby's influence. There are some artists I might not have know of but for her introduction. Some of these artists I would have liked because they play in a style I naturally enjoy. But Libby's influence goes beyond that. There are songs, albums, and artists I love now become Libby loved them. They meant something to her, so over time they came to mean something to me. There are also songs I have come to love because they remind me so much of Libby. I have come to cherish the moments that music brings to Libby to mind. Whenever this happens, I try to to take a moment, to turn to God with a grateful heart, and thank Him for the the influence Libby had in my life. One of the big ways that Libby has changed me is in the area of prayer. Libby loved to pray. She embraced a contemplative life. I tend to be action oriented. I like doing things. I don't like quiet. There was a time that if I tried to pray for more than ten minutes I would find myself falling asleep. The thought of spending an entire day, much less a weekend without other people, on a silent retreat where all I was to do was listen carefully for the Lord, to be talking with him seemed impossible. Yet, today, I love to pray and I try to schedule quarterly silent retreats. These are just two ways Libby has changed my life because I turned toward her. There are countless others.</div>
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Of course, sometimes letting someone influence you isn't always pleasant. Letting someone influence you means <a href="http://verber.blogspot.com/2012/03/value-of-vulnerability.html" target="_blank">you have to be vulnerable</a>. It's leaving yourself open, defenseless. It will bring great blessings, but you will also get hurt. Why? Because no one is perfect. You married a sinner. They will hurt you. Sometimes in ignorance, sometimes with intent. But without this risk, and the hurt, there is no chance for happiness, joy, growth. There are several people I know who have dating many people, several for extended periods of time, but never have found someone to marry. When we have talked about the people they dated, there wasn't always a clear reason why then didn't move from dating to marriage. Mostly, it was about how they never felt the passion and connection they were hoping for. As I look who my friends dated, I see some really great people. People who were mature, loving, who went on to have great marriages with others. In some cases I think my friends had impossibly high standards, they want to marry someone who doesn't exist in this world. But for a number of the people I known like this, I find myself wondering if part of the reason they haven't been able to commit to someone, to decide to marry is because they are unwilling to be vulnerable. To take the chance, to experience both the pain and joy that true intimacy with a fellow sinner brings.</div>
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Intimacy started with being open and honest with the other person. Not to hide things. I believe we should strive to live openly and honestly with all people, but it does becomes much easier in the context of a committed relationship. Without a commitment, we have to wonder, if I show this part of myself, what will the other person do? Will I lose them? Will they reject me? If you have confidence in their commitment, it's much easier to reveal the things you find shameful, that embarrass you. If the other person has a commitment to love you, then when you open up, and share honestly, you have someone who will help you see those hurtful things be healed.</div>
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Honesty also means you have to let the other person know how they are influencing you. It's critical for your partner to know that they have an influence in your life, and how it's going. This affirms that they are important to you, and lets them know that they are playing a significant role in your life. Sometimes what you communicate will be can be painful for them, because you were hurt. Sometimes you will communicate in an inappropriate way that hurts them. That's why you will need to successfully….</div>
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Deal with Conflicts</h2>
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I recently heard someone say "You are guaranteed to marry the wrong person because no one on this earth can be your perfect match." I have never heard truer words. Lets face it, you are a sinner, your spouse is a sinner. This means that you will have conflict. If you don't have conflict it's because you are keeping a self protective cocoon around yourself that will prevent you from truly enjoying the relationship. You will hurt each other. It's a fact of life. The question is how do you respond. Successful marriages have learned how to deal with conflict. A key ingredient in this is to maintain respect for the other. To avoid contempt and distain. To be able to honor the other, even if you don't see eye to eye. Alas, this is very hard to do, and we blow it all the time. That's why there are two key skills for us to learn.<br />
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Forgive</h3>
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You will be hurt by your spouse. That is a given. The question is, what are you going to do? Some people will try to ignore the hurt, pretend like it didn't happen. The phrase "It's no big deal" is one way this approach is often communicated. The problem is if you have been hurt, saying "It's no big deal" is dishonest. You are lying to your friend, your spouse. Another approach to bury the offense. To stuff the hurt, the anger you feel. The problem with this is that eventually the holding tank will overflow, and everything will come rushing out. Of course, some people just strike back which I assume you understand can be very damaging.</div>
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Rather that any of these responses, we are called to extend forgiveness. To choose to love the other person, and not take revenge. To love them, we need to have an accurate view, so we need to be able to be honest about their sin, their struggles. We look honestly at these flaws not to find holes in their armor, to be used as weapons but out of concern for them. To be a help. We are called to ask the question "How would Jesus love this dear person? How can I extend love and forgiven to them?"<br />
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Years ago a friend introduced me to a very powerful tool. He observed that conflict is never one sided. He suggested take a piece of paper, and divide it into two columns. The first column is the list of ways the other person has hurt or wronged you. The second column is the list of the ways you have wronged them. Make a list of all the ways the other person hurt you. Once you have a complete list, consider for each of the ways you were hurt, how you responded. Was it's appropriate, or did you do something that hurt them in response. If your response was inappropriate, list that in the second column. Now split the paper in half. In a bit, we will get to the page with the list of your offenses.<br />
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You have a detailed list of how they have hurt you. What do you do with this? It's time to put it aside. How best to do this varies person to person. Some people might find reading through the list, saying "I forgive you" for each item in their mind, and then tossing the paper in the trash sufficient. I know some people who burn the paper as a symbolic action. I know still others who write "Play for by the blood of Christ" over each item and then destroy the paper. The key is once you choose to forgive the person, that needs to be the end of it.</div>
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<h3>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 19px; font-weight: bold;">Apologize</span></h3>
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At the heart of a truly apology is an acknowledgement that you are wrong. That you have sinned. I want to say "How hard can this be? We know we are sinners." Yet, each of use knows how hard this is. We have our pride. Typically issues aren't just one sides, so a sense of fairness and justice can also stop us from apologizing, especially when we think the other person is more in the wrong.<br />
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We are called to apologize. To see ourselves clearly. To allow the Lord to show us when our attitudes aren't right and admit when we are wrong, when we have sinned. It shouldn't surprises us… we have been saved by grace. When we discover these things, we should turn to the Lord with a grateful heart. Thank Him for both making us aware of the issue, and for His loving forgiveness. Then we can turn to our spouse and apologize. When it's in our power, we should not just apologize, but make things right. Sometimes there is no way to "make it right", to undo the damage we have done. It will be up to the other person to decide what they will do.<br />
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Earlier I suggested that when you realize there has been a conflict to make a list, with one half the list being what you need to forgive. The other half of the list, are the things you need to apologize for. Apologizes are typically best short, with no equivocation, nothing that could be interpreted as blame toward the other person. You apologize for what you said and did.<br />
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<h3>
Resolution</h3>
Just because forgiveness has been extended, and apologizes have been made, doesn't mean an issue has been resolved. It just means that first aid has been applied to the wounds caused by inappropriate response to the conflict.<br />
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How to resolve conflict? In the context of a marriage, where we are called toward mutual sacrifice, I think the first question we have to as is "How important is this? Am I called to sacrifice?". A phrase stolen from the apostle Paul that Libby and I was use often is "Why not be wronged?". Why not choice to sacrifice a preference or a bit of freedom for the sake of another. When the issue is over something without weighty consequences, say the color of paint for a room, what movies to watch, etc, give preference to the one you have committed your life to. In the long run, you will reap great rewards.<br />
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The second key ingredient to resolving conflict is realizing everything doesn't need to be immediately resolved. We need to have patience. Understanding this does several things. First, it can let charged emotions settle down. Often, when we have had space, things become clear and what we think is a critical issue turns out not to be so important. Allow the influence you share with each other to have time to work.<br />
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Sometimes there will be disagreements that you can't seem to bridge. Something that each of you believe is very important, and can't seem to come to agreement on. In these cases, it's typically best to learn to agree to disagree. The key to this working is to treat the other with respect and honor. To acknowledge that even though you don't agree, that you can see and appreciate their perspective.<br />
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Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. - Ephesians 4:31-32</blockquote>
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</div>Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-15575748958496881652012-05-14T06:00:00.000-07:002018-01-28T22:20:59.889-08:00Blessings of Marriage And SinglenessLet me start out and say something that I think is obvious but seems to be questioned these days. Marriage is <b><i>good</i></b>! For those who believe in the Bible, the argument is pretty easy to make, at least superfluously. God created marriage. God declared marriage good. End of story. Of course, this can result in a very superficial understanding of marriage. So lets look a bit deeper.<br />
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The question is: Why is marriage good? There are a host of reasons. There have been numerous talks, papers, and articles in the last few years about the benefits of being married. There is statistical data which indicates married couples are generally happier, healthier, live longer, get more sex, and tend to be more successful economically than their non-married peers. This is just the start of the benefits. In the future I will do a post with pointers to this data. These are all good, but I would suggest they are secondary or side effects. Nice, but not the heart of the matter.<br />
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The Bible tells us that marriage was instituted in the earliest days of human history. The most important relationship that we find is a husband and a wife. God didn't first create a parent & child, or siblings, He created a couple. As the man and women were given to each other God declared that they would leave their families to form a new and unique family. They were called to a life long commitment of deep, abiding unity. These instructions were given even though Adam and Eve didn't have any human parents. God made this statement to set a pattern for the future.</div>
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Marriage is good because we were designed to be in relationship, community with others. We flourish when there is someone who is committed to loving us, and when there is someone for us to love. Abundance through mutual sacrifice. Marriage was designed to provide a stable and loving environment for growth and nurture, to provide companionship, a primary building block for community. Marriage is intended to change us for the better. All of this is wonderful, but marriage was intended for even more than this. In the book of Ephesians we learn that God intended marriage to be a living model of what Christ's relationship is like to those who follow after Him. A picture of new beginnings, of lives transformed and purified by sacrificial love. Marriage is intended to help us understand God's love for us, and as we understand God's ways more, so our understanding of marriage grows as well.<br />
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Marriage is something that is good, and it's appropriate to desire and seek. This doesn't mean it will be easy. If fact, anything truly valuable requires work. Want to be a world class runner, you are going to have some painful training. Be a great painter, you are going to spend a lot of time in the studio. Have a great marriage, it's going to be work.<br />
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Here in the USA the path to marriage can be complex and somewhat convoluted. Typically it starts with that awkward dance of asking someone out, dating, engagement, and finally marriage. For many people, this process has several restarts, often involves painful rejection, dating relationship ending, "broken" and then healed hearts, etc. For some, broken engagements, and hardest of all, divorce after a marriage. There are some people who look at this hard road, read statistics about divorce, and think to themselves "being single isn't so bad". I <i>might</i> agree with people who reach this conclusion, but in most cases, I think they are wrong. In my experience, there are four reasons people consider singleness, one is healthy, three are not.<br />
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Some people have given up on marriage because they expect failure. They have seen how destructive bad marriages can be. Maybe they are a child of a particularly nasty divorce. Maybe they know a number of people who have struggled in their marriages. To these people, I would say "don't give up". God created marriage. Marriages can, and do succeed. Don't let fear control you. Also, the odds aren't as bad as you might think. The statistic often thrown around is more than 50% of marriages end in divorce. Yet, not everyone has the same risk. There are populations with a much higher risk of divorce: people married before 21 (issues of maturity), who haven't finished high school (are likely have a very hard time making it in the world), and the people who have divorced multiple times (life choices and patterns). The divorce rate for reasonably mature adults who enter a marriage for the first time is much lower. Divorce is not inevitable. It's also worth noting that while many marriages struggle, especially in their early years, through that struggle emerges maturity. There have been a number of surveys that have found the majority of struggling couples that keep at it are significantly happier after five years. They worked through hard things to find a real joy.<br />
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Some people avoid marriage because they are afraid of losing their freedom, their autonomy, being able to be think only about themselves. In a sense, they are right. A good marriage requires giving up some of your freedom, to give up seeking your personal fulfillment as your only goal, marriage will change you. In a world without a loving, caring God, giving these things up might not seem worth it. In the Christian world view, we are called to embrace God, to desire for Him to change us to become more like Jesus, to become people of love and faith. A good marriage will require letting go of selfishness, giving up some freedom, but it will be a force for good, that transforms our lives, makes us more holy.<br />
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Their are some people who would like to be married, but are afraid that they might marry the wrong person, so they have an approach / avoidance dynamic. I won't spend much time discussion this here, because I will explore this in more detail in a later post. I will just observe this is often because the person has an unrealistic, over idealistic views of marriage. A core truth I will repeatedly touch on in this set of posts is that marriage is between two sinful people. This is the struggle, and also the heart of growth we all experience in marriage.<br />
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There is a good reason not to seek marriage. That you feel called by God to devote yourself to something else. Paul taught in I Corinthians 7 that there are advantages to being single. This was a radical idea and very much went against the culture of time which believed that a life wasn't complete until you were marriage and had children. What are those advantages? That the single person can devote themselves fully to following after God, to a specific task or ministry. Single people have fewer concerns and worries. Often times, this is for just a season of life. For example, when people are very young, it's likely not a season to consider marriage, or even dating… there is the basic task of growing up, they don't have the maturity to succeed. Sometimes, people feel called to a specific task or ministry that will be all consuming, for example, a 1-2 year intensive internship just after college or work on a difficult mission field or a ministry that is best faced as a single person. This doesn't mean marriage should never be pursued, just that it's not in season.<br />
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Sometimes people are called to singleness for more than a season, for all their life. Paul taught that a single person can be more whole hearted in there following God. I know several people who felt called to stay single. Though single, they didn't feel a sense of deprivation, and they weren't alone. They were part of a community which provided the intimacy, companionship, and the shared purpose that you find in a good marriage. They were involved in people's lives, and people where involved in their life.<br />
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I loved being married. Libby's and my marriage was a blessing to both of us, and I believe the community we were a part of. I would love to be married again, but in this season of life I have realized that I am called to be single. I have a teenage daughter who needs my full attention and who needs space to be able to grief the lose of her mother. For this season, I can't consider dating much less marriage. I have no idea if this is just for a season or the rest of life, and that is ok. I need to live in the present, and not worry about what might be in the future. What ever comes, I am confident that God will provide what I need.<br />
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Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”</div>
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Genesis 2:18</div>
</blockquote>Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-54104604014098668512012-05-13T06:00:00.000-07:002018-01-28T22:20:59.968-08:00Reflections on Marriage and RelationshipsIn the last six months I have found myself spending a great deal of time thinking and talking with friends about the nature of marriage. Part of this was because I was involved in two Bible studies which covers Genesis 2, and Ephesians 5, two of the great passages in the Bible about marriage. Additionally, I have been part of a study for young adults which has been looking at what the Bible says about relationships. Beyond these things though, I have been trying to make sense of life in the face of losing my best friend and wife of 27 years to cancer.<br />
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I felt one of the best ways to honor Libby would be to live, to have a heart filled with gratitude and appreciation for life. What better place to start than to think through all the <a href="http://verber.blogspot.com/2012/03/27-years-of-blessing-part-1.html" target="_blank">ways that Libby had been a blessing</a>. For though I feel her lost acutely, how much worse would it have been to not had those many years together. As time has passed, I have found myself reflecting on not just our shared life, but considering the marriages of our friends, family, mentors, and reflecting on nearly 30 years walking along side college students and young couples as they prepared and then started their own marriages.<br />
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In the midst of working through my grief, sorrow, and joy, I found myself spending time with a diverse set of people. Young adults who are trying to figure out what the future might hold and who are gaining wisdom, older singles wondering if love and marriage was going to pass them by, married couples who wanted to support and encourage me, friends going through difficult times in their marriages, and other men who had lost their wives to cancer. With each of these groups, conversations often turned to relationships, dating and/or marriage.</div>
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Much of what follows started out as notes I made for myself, trying to understand what I was going through, to examine my perspective and try to see things through God's eyes. Some of this content started as email to friends who were wrestling with their relationships. In the last couple of months I found myself wondering if it might be useful to share some of what I am learning. I have been slowly trying to turn notes written for myself into something that others could read and understand. Initially I was planning to do a single blog post, but I realized that this is a topic which is too big for a single post. So in the next week or so I will be posting a blog entry every day or so. I am sure this isn't complete… think of it as an alpha release. But you have to ship at some point. I figured starting on mother's day would be appropriate.<br />
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<ul>
<li><a href="http://verber.blogspot.com/2012/05/blessings-of-marriage-and-singleness.html" target="_blank">The Blessing of Marriage and Being Single</a></li>
<li><a href="http://verber.blogspot.com/2012/05/what-makes-good-marriage.html" target="_blank">What Makes a Good Marriage</a></li>
<li><a href="http://verber.blogspot.com/2012/05/romance-intimacy.html" target="_blank">Romance, Enemy of Intimacy</a>?</li>
<li><a href="http://verber.blogspot.com/2012/05/on-same-spiritual-journey.html" target="_blank">The Importance of Being on the Same Spiritual Journey</a></li>
<li><a href="http://verber.blogspot.com/2012/05/attitudes-dating.html" target="_blank">Critical Perspective for Successful Dating</a></li>
<li><a href="http://verber.blogspot.com/2012/04/two-recommended-books-on-dating.html" target="_blank">Good Books about Dating</a></li>
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I would like to revise this content and make it good. You can help me. I would greatly appreciate feedback. Send me mail, post comments, whatever you are comfortable doing.</div>
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Iron sharpens iron,
So one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17</blockquote>
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Ironically, now that I have almost finished writing up my notes, a friend introduced me to a book that captures much of what I would say, with more style and clarity than I will likely bring to the subject. I would highly recommend the book <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Meaning-Marriage-Complexities-ebook/dp/B0054TVVPK/" target="_blank"><i>The Meaning of Marriage</i></a> by the Kellers. If you aren't a book person, there is a video of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9THu0PZwwk" target="_blank">Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage Books@Google</a> talk which is a quick summary of the most important points. While there are numerous good books, some of which will cover one topic or another in more depth, the Kellers' book is the single best book I have found.</div>
Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-8321422606832436022012-04-23T06:47:00.000-07:002018-01-28T22:30:29.980-08:00Relational Openness and Delightful SurprisesEveryone I know want to opportunity to choose their long term relationships, be it coworkers, friends, or spouse which is very understandable. I have notice that this desire extends to the more transitory, day to day interactions. Most of us have a tendency to orient our lives so that our interactions will be pleasant, comforting, encouraging, or inspiring.
I wonder though if that is how we should live life.<br />
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I wonder if we are called to interact with, to love all the people who come across our path. Without partiality, without bias, or prejudice. Now some might say "Everyone? How can that work? I have things to do. I have people I have made a commitment to. I can't interact with anyone who crosses my path." But this makes me think about the parable of the good Samaritan. What distinguished the good Samaritan from the others in the story? When someone in need was in his path, he stopped and helped. The others in the parable very well might have had important things to attend to… but the circumstances, I would argue God, wanted them to update their plans, and they refused. What sort of help will you be asked to offer? I can't say, I have confidence though, if you open your heart, God's Spirit will lead you. I will suggest a good starting point. Ask yourself "If I was in this situation, what would I hope someone would do for me?"<br />
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The Bible is filled with admonitions about how we should love one another, how we should encourage one another. These commands are not optional. They aren't about people we are comfortable with. They are about how we treat everyone. The people that rub us the wrong way? Love them. People who we are attracted to? Love them. People we don't understand? Love them. People who have been kind to us? Love them.<br />
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Being open to interact with people cuts both ways. Not only is it about being open to love others, but it is being open to let others speak into our lives. We never know who God will be raising up to speak into our live, or who God will call to love us. We never know how God will get our attention, maybe it will be a talking Ass. In the book <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Spiritual-Leadership-ebook/dp/B0038U0U3G/" target="_blank">Spiritual Leadership</a></i>, J. Oswald Sanders talked about how we should be prepared to take input, criticism, from anyone, even when they seemed to have bad motives. He would pray "God, show me what I can learn from this interaction". He was convinced that even if the issue the person brought to him was off, there was something to be learned from the interaction. I think one of the biggest mistakes we make is wanting to choose how God will speak into our lives, how we will be loved. We want to choose who and when. God wants us to be open to His work.<br />
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Going to church was very hard the first few weeks after Libby died. Just getting to a seat felt like I was walking a gauntlet. So many people seemed to feel compelled to go out of their way to talk with me, to say something. Quite frankly, it seems like a large portion of these people were moved by something, pity, guilt, obligation… whatever it was, it didn't feel like compassion or love. These were interactions I dreaded and the preponderance of them made it hard to go to church. But there were other interactions, where I felt loved, understand, where there was deep compassion being expressed by the other person. The surprising thing was I couldn't predict which interactions would be a blessing, and which would be hard. The most comforting interactions were not necessarily the people who knew me best or who were most like me. One of the interactions that touched me the most deeply was a gentleman who is part of our recovery ministry. I don't know his name, I don't think we had ever talked before. But as I walked into the church came up to me, put his arm over my shoulder and said "It's hard. I am praying for you." That's it. We stood side by side for a minute, and the moment was complete. I thanked him, and then we went on our way… but my day was infinitely better. In that brief moment I knew he understood my pain and he cared for me. This was a 2 Cor 1 moment, he was comforting me with the comfort he had received. Such a blessing.<br />
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Do we make ourselves available to bless or be blessed by others? Recently I have been challenged to be more present in day to day life. To be looking for who God might bring across my path. So I have been trying to keep my eyes wide open. I have been trying a simple experiment. To make eye contact with each person that crosses my path, to smile, and to say a quick prayer for them in my heart, and see what happens. More than half the people I cross paths with outside of church don't make eye contact. Of those who will make eye contact, less than half are comfortable with more than a glance, and of those remaining, only a fraction are comfortable returning the smile. I wonder what this says about our society. I wonder if this isn't one way we can make a difference in this world, a small way to be salt and light. Sometimes this brief greeting and pray is all that has happen. Sometimes though, I found the circumstances, the Lord, wanted more. Compared to the good Samaritan, my experiences during this experiment have seems small. Providing a place for a young man to sleep and get his bearings, escorting several people who were new to our country to a destination they were having trouble finding, encouraging a new friend who is going through a very tough time. The costs haven't been much. Feeding someone a few meals, getting sunburned arms, delaying a task by a few hours. I hope that someday God will allow me the privilege of doing something dramatic like the good Samaritan. Until then, I will continue to keep my eyes open, and hold my plans loosely and love the people who cross my path.<br />
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Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it.</blockquote>
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Hebrews 13:1-2 </blockquote>
Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-88424150779432888892012-04-22T09:45:00.000-07:002018-01-30T21:55:41.835-08:00transform common regrets into commands for lifeIn the last month or so I have repeatedly seen a list of the <a href="http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html">5 most common regrets</a> a hospice nurse has heard people express at the end of their lives. Paul Graham smartly turn this into a short list of commands which he keeps at the <a href="http://www.paulgraham.com/todo.html">top of the todo list</a>. Paul's commands are:<br />
<ul>
<li>Don't ignore your dreams</li>
<li>don't work too much</li>
<li>say what you think</li>
<li>cultivate friendships</li>
<li>be happy</li>
</ul>
It's rare that I feel I can improve any article Paul has posted, but this time I would suggest a more active and expansive version of Paul's commands would be appropriate. For me the list is:
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<ul>
<li><b>pursue your calling</b>… because sometimes you are called to something that goes beyond what you can dream</li>
<li><b>practice sabbath</b>… because not working is not the same as resting</li>
<li><b>speak the truth in love</b>… because we need to consider how our words effect those we speak to</li>
<li><b>cultivate friendships, but be receptive to all people</b>… In my next post I will share a bit about how <a href="http://verber.blogspot.com/2012/04/relational-openness-and-delightful.html" target="_blank">being open to surprises can be good</a>.</li>
<li><b>embrace joy and gratitude</b>… which can occur even if circumstances are hard</li>
</ul>
all of which feeds into the most important: <b>grow in love</b>
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"Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?”<br />
And Jesus said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind." This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."</blockquote>
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Matthew 22:36-39 </blockquote>
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Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-67234748220867683822012-04-16T06:31:00.003-07:002018-01-28T22:22:51.548-08:00Three Recommended Books on DatingSeems like I have been talking with a number of younger folks who are figuring out what "Christian" dating means. This may, or may not be connected to our young adult fellowship being in the middle of a series which is looking at relationships which includes dating. A couple of weeks ago I started to write up what was to be a short post about dating and marriage based on my experience with Libby and many years serving college age students and young married couples. There are so many interconnected issues. It was clear that it was going to be a bit before I posted anything. In the mean time, I thought it might be useful to suggest two books. UPDATE: make that three books. I would recommend reading the first two books as a pair because they compliment each other well. For folks in YAF… you would be welcome to borrow either of these books, just send me email.<br />
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<a href="http://photo.goodreads.com/books/1184211435l/1492887.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://photo.goodreads.com/books/1184211435l/1492887.jpg" width="124" /></a><i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Dating-Waiting-Looking-Right-Places/dp/0825435811/" target="_blank">Dating and Waiting</a></i> - William Risk<br />
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This book was written while Bill was attending to PBC Palo Alto. Anyone who knows Bill will hear his voice and immediately recognize his wit. I found this to be the most gracious book I have read on the topic of dating. Unlike many books on dating which focus on the mechanics or rules for dating, this book asks the reader to consider what God is doing in their heart. Each chapter ends with a short list of questions which are appropriate for both people in a dating relationship and those who are single. I appreciated the gentle way the book encouraged the reader to evaluate their values and priorities in dating, as well as the strong emphasis that what we seek can only be found in God. There are several chapters which explore how being single, and that "waiting" can be rich times that God uses to grow and change us. As with every every Christian book on dating there is a chapter about appropriate attitudes / restraint in the physical / sexual realm and a discussion of why it is important to be dating someone who shares a vital Christian life.<br />
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<a href="http://photo.goodreads.com/books/1174505716l/409175.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://photo.goodreads.com/books/1174505716l/409175.jpg" width="130" /></a><i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Spiritual-Relationships-Dating-Marriage-ebook/dp/B004FGLOE6/" target="_blank">Spiritual Relationships That Last, What the Bible Says About Dating and Marriage</a></i> - McCallum & Delashmutt</div>
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This book is written by two of the pastor / elders of the church Libby and I attended when we lived in Columbus. This book captures much of what guided Libby and I as we dating. I believe the guidance was sound, and what we learn during this time in our lives provided a framework that enabled our marriage to thrive in the midst of difficulty.</div>
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This is not a book to make you feel warm and fuzzy about dating or marriage. Rather, it a practical book that will challenge you to grow in your ability to love others, and by doing that, become prepared to have a successful marriage. The first chapter is a critique of modern society's infatuation with "romantic love" which is pleasant but unable to sustain a relationship in the long run.</div>
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The authors suggest that the only force sufficient to produce lasting relationships is sacrificial, agape love. The key to a successful marriage? "... is not to <i><b>find</b></i> the right person, but to <i><b>become</b></i> the right person: a person who has learned to practice Christian love at the most intimate level". A simple framework is provided to think about how one builds relationship: shared experience, understanding the persons inner workings, and emotional sharing. Building strong same-sex friendships develops skills that are critical to lasting marriages. It is often easier to gauge growth in these friendship rather than romantic relationships, because when romance is involved, things often seem better, deeper, more intimate than they actually are.</div>
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The next section of the book discusses how important it is for both people in a relationship to be equally yoked (sharing the same spiritual beliefs and commitments), and that both parties are vitally involved in the life of people in church, serving others both as individuals and as a couple. The book next moves into what is the appropriate perspective on sexual love suggesting appropriate boundaries are about attitude. The book concludes with several chapters that discuss how to deal with baggage from past relationship and life choices. I believe this is a very valuable book, but it can be applied in a external fashion, and fails short in conveying how God's at the center on things in a very personal way. Bill's book nicely addresses this deficit.<br />
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<a href="http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1347735080l/11389341.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1347735080l/11389341.jpg" width="131" /></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Meaning-Marriage-Complexities-ebook/dp/B0054TVVPK/" style="font-style: italic;" target="_blank">The Meaning of Marriage</a> by the Kellers. This is the single best book I have found on the topic of marriage. I will update the entry in the future with a brief summary</div>
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<b>Other Materials?</b></div>
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While not ready for prime time, if you are looking for other books about relationships, you might want to look the books I have tagged <a href="http://www.goodreads.com/review/list/4153382-mark?format=html&shelf=relationships&sort=rating" target="_blank">relationships on goodreads</a>. This list is incomplete right now, but in the next week or so I should finish updating this list with notes I have made over the years.Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-6094779698685159952012-04-09T06:55:00.000-07:002018-01-28T22:22:51.472-08:00Myers Briggs Useful, But Love RulesI was first introduced to Myers Briggs in 1981 when I read the book <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/0960695400" target="_blank">Please Understand Me</a></i>. I did the sorter and found myself classified as an ENFJ. The rest of this posting assumes you know something about Myers-Briggs. If you don't, I would recommend giving the <a href="http://www.keirsey.com/sorter/instruments2.aspx?partid=0" target="_blank">type sorter</a> a try, and read a bit about what the letters <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myers-Briggs_Type_Indicator" target="_blank">I/E, S/N, T/F, J/P mean</a>, and how these attributes break into four personality types which are nicely summarized on a wikipedia page about <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keirsey_Temperament_Sorter#Temperaments_and_intelligence_types" target="_blank">Keirsey Types</a>. Actually, the description and sorter above is Keirsey's which is very similar to Myers Briggs, but differs in emphasis which is nicely explained on the wikipedia page.<br />
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When I read the description of the ENFJ I found myself surprised and delighted. Surprised that it seemed to be such an accurate description of my inner life which I thought no one understood, and delighted because I generally liked the description. My pleasure with the description of the ENFJ would often produce annoyance in Libby. She would say to me "You know, not all of the things that are in that description are good? You understand this, right?" My words might have been "Yes", but in my heart I had a very hard time seeing where there might be problems. If anything, the problem was that I was not fully embracing my ENFJ-ness. Reading the book was good in that it helped me understand people who were quite different from me.<br />
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A few years ago my copy of the <i>Please Understand Me</i> fell apart, so I picked up the current version of the book, appropriately called <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Please-Understand-Me-II-ebook/dp/B004O0U1GU/" target="_blank"><i>Please Understand Me II</i></a>. As Libby and I were talking about the material, our daughter Helen asked if she could take the test. She was young, maybe eight, we weren't sure how accurate the test would be, but we said sure. She tested out as a INFJ, the introvert version of me. This seemed to match what I had observed in Helen's life. For the next several years, assuming Helen was an INFJ colored how I interpreted her actions and words.<br />
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In the last few months I pulled <i>Please Understand Me II</i> out. I am thinking through what I want to do in the second half of my life. I figured reviewing my core personality type would likely help me navigate this season of change. As I read through my description this time I found myself asking questions I don't think I have asked before. For each personality feature described I asked two questions:<br />
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<li>Does this describe wholeness as God has intended, a life of love and impact, or is this something that is broken or corrupted, that falls short of what God would desire?</li>
<li>How does fully embracing this aspect of my personality effect life? Does it result in something good, does it result in being more loving, or is it likely to bring problems? I was careful to think through the full consequences, because while the immediate results could be good, several things could easily become idols that would result in an unhealthy life. </li>
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Libby would have been happy. For maybe the first time I could honestly say "Yes, I realize that everything here isn't good." Doing this exercise has been very helpful. Over the next couple of weeks I found myself thinking about the people I was interacting with and asking the question, what type are they? How are they looking at life differently from me. As Helen and I talked about Myers Briggs, she wanted to do the test again, wondering if she had changed. She still sorted as an INFJ. As Helen read the description of the INFJ she often said "Yes, I do this", but something didn't seem quite right. Helen's F was just slightly higher than the T score, so I suggested Helen read the description of the INTJ. The number of times she said "Yes, I do this" was about the same, but her countenance was completely different. When she said "Yes, I do this" she would have a huge grin. It wasn't just a recognition of the description, but a pleasure in the description. Clearly the sorter is fallible.<br />
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Over the next week Helen and I ended up talking about Myers-Briggs quite a bit and developed a theory about why the sorter misclassified her. We decided we were seeing a nature/nurture dynamic. Helen's core nature likely had a very strong "T" component, but that she was raised by parents who were very strongly "F". We encouraged her to develop a strong sense of empathy, to cherish compassion, even if justice (fairness) might suffer. In her younger life, Helen was a compliant child. She trying to act as instructed, she tried to please her parents, so she looked like she was strongly "F". Helen's no longer a young child. She is a young women who has really found her own voice. Yes, she continues to value many of the things she learned from Libby and me, but she is her own person. She believes compassion is important, but for her, telling things as they are… even if that might hurt someone, and caring deeply about justice has taken on an increased importance.<br />
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Realizing that Helen is fundamentally different from me has been such a relief, and been so helpful. In the last few years I would sometimes hear Helen say things that would shock me. My reaction was "How can she be so ruthless, so brutal?" I found myself being concerned about her heart. You see, if I said some of those things it wouldn't be truth speaking. The only way I could say some of those things would be if I was bitter and really angry. But Helen is different from me. Saying these things isn't an indication of a heart problem, it's just telling it as it is. As I reflect on this more, I realize that Helen continued to practice compassion, to treat people well, it was just the way she talked about issues that seemed brutal. All sorts of things have become clear. We have been talking a bit about future plans, college majors, careers. I had been surprised by her preferences and tried to steer her more toward areas that I know would be good for someone with a personality like me. The thing is, Helen has a different personality. The majors / professions Helen has expressed an interest in make sense realizing she is an NT (Rationalist) rather than an NF (Idealist). It's been funny to see how our differences work out in all sorts of ways. For example, she loves characters in books and movies who are extreme caricatures of rationalists like Sherlock Holmes and House. I have mixed feelings about these characters. On the one hand I find them challenging / simulating, one the other, they drive me crazy.<br />
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Of course, personality is only one piece of the puzzle when it comes to career or life choices. When I look at recommended careers for an ENFJ, many are variations of either teacher or therapist, careers that focus on personal interaction and soft skills. The recommended short list does not include engineering or other fields that focus on analytics skills because they are not something that are nature strengths for my Idealists. Yet I have found myself not only in a field which tends toward analytics, but deeply involved in projects that specialize in collecting and analyzing hard data. When working in the physics department, I was regularly mistaken for a physics postdoc. I lead numerous initiatives related to developing hard metrics or applying statistical analysis to a complex problem set. Two of my favorite phrases when looking at problems are "Objectivity is your friend" and "If you can't measure it, it not real". This sort of scientific approach spills into personal life. Over the years we have purchase highly sensitive thermal probes, scales, sound spectrum analyzers, etc so we could get real data to make decisions.<br />
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So what's going on? Like Helen, it's a nurture thing. My dad was a scientist and engineer. When I was growing up, I wanted to be just like him. Even when it was clear I wasn't exactly like him, I still desired to follow as closely in his shoes as I could because I very much respected him and liked his values and approach to life. Math and science didn't come easily to me in school the way things like political science and sociology did, but I was willing to fight to learn the material.<br />
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What am I doing with this? I am working to appreciate these personality fueled differences. People are different. This is something to cherish and embrace. I am finding identifying how people are different makes it easier to be gracious with them as well as to recognize their strengths. I think it's helping me to be encouraging rather than critical. In essence, it makes it easier to love people. And yet, while these differences have significant consequences, they all pale when compared to mature love which all personality types are capable… and that should be our goal. Not to become more ENFJ, or whatever personality type someone is, but to learn to love and serve others. In the book of Corinthians, Paul wrote about how people were given different gifts, and how it was good to have the diversity. But he concludes in the following way:<br />
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And I show you a still more excellent way. If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing. Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.</div>
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I Cor 12:31-13:13</div>
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Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-10885057248615657612012-03-21T05:54:00.000-07:002018-01-28T22:28:44.959-08:00The Value of VulnerabilityRecently, a number of people have expressed appreciation for my willingness to be "real" about life, to be vulnerable. I have had had two reactions to this feedback. On the one hand, I want to say "Of course, there is no other rational way to live". On the other hand, I want to say "Really? I am doing that? That's great!" I didn't used to live this way, but I guess it's become a habit that I don't think about.<br />
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This past week I have been reflecting on how I came to choose to be vulnerable… and yes, it's a choice. Not surprisingly, Libby plays a central role. Early in our marriage we had some big problems. At the time I was sure 99% of our marital problems, ok, maybe 90% of our problems were due to Libby. Of course this wasn't the case. We started marriage counseling with Louie. At the time, Libby was struggling with severe clinical depression. Louie referred Libby to a physician for anti-depressants which made a huge difference in her life, but Louie knew that Libby's depression wasn't the sole issue in our marital struggles. It didn't take him long to get "my number" which was scary. I thought was pretty good at keeping people at a safe distance and keeping my weaknesses hidden. I most likely was, but Louie was very good a cutting through that sort of crap. I was the opposite of someone who was vulnerable. I lived a very controlled, self protected life. I could never show weakness. I could never fail to accomplish something. I always needed to be the best, or at least in the top 5%. Louie challenged me to be honest and open. I still remember when his words started to penetrate. He said:<br />
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You are pretending to be stronger than you are, thinking that is what people want.<br />
When you do this, you are lying. You are hurting yourself and those you love.<br />
The people who love you will not be driven away by your weakness.<br />
In fact, being authentic, showing your weaknesses is attractive.</blockquote>
In my heart, I knew he was right, but that didn't mean change was easy. The biggest help was Libby, Louie's continued encouragement / counsel, and several of my closest friends who showed me love, acceptance, and who tried to help me stay aware of my tendency to hide my weaknesses, to pretend like I had infinite resources to handle anything. They would call me "Super Mark". They would ask if I was wearing my costume with the giant "S" under my flannel shirt. Sometimes they would joke about phone booths.<br />
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As I reflected on the topic of vulnerability this past week a pair of TED talks given by <a href="http://www.brenebrown.com/" target="_blank">Brene Brown</a> came up in my podcast queue. I would highly recommend these videos, well worth the 35 minutes it would take to watch them. [While I normally don't refer to someone I don't know by their first name, that seems overly familiar, I will in the rest of this post for brevity.] Brene's first talk was call the <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html" target="_blank">Power of Vulnerability</a>. I found myself laughing through the whole talk… that nervous sort of laugh when you realize that someone might as well be talking about you. I saw so much of my past self in her talk. Her second talk, <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html" target="_blank">Listening to Shame</a> continues her story… how she had to deal the consequences of 4 million people having watched the first TED talk in which she talked very openly about her struggles to be vulnerable.</div>
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In Brene's first TED talk she shared that one of the most important things for people is to have a sense of connection with others, and that when she examined thousands of data points she had collected, she realized that the people who experienced connection with others were whole hearted. People who had the courage to be vulnerable. They knew they were imperfect, but they could deal with themselves and others with compassion. They embraced vulnerability, and that made them beautiful. They didn't see vulnerability as something awful or something wonderful, it was just something that is necessary. They understand that there are no guarantees, that sometimes being vulnerable would result in pain, hurt, lose, but it was worth the risk because they believed that in spite of their imperfections, they were worthy of connection. Brene went on to describe how this research brought her to the point of a breakdown, or more euphemistically, a spiritual awakening. She spend a year working with a counselor wrestling with the implication of her research. She described how she lost the battle against vulnerability but in the process won her life back.</div>
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My process of learning to be vulnerable was not as quick. I wish I could say it was weeks or months. I would be happy if it was just the year that Brene described in her TED talk. It took me several years to make significant progress, with constant encouragement from Libby and Louie. I guess I was more willing than Brene to continue to fight against vulnerability, even though it was a foolish fight. Eventually though, I came to understand that without vulnerability, there couldn't be deep joy, belonging, or authentic love. I came to realize that I was living my life in constant fear. I was sure that if people <i>really</i> knew me, that they would reject me. This fear created as much separation and alienation as real rejection.<br />
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Brene describes this fear as <i>shame</i>. Shame is the voice that tells us that it is too risky to be vulnerable. It started by saying "you aren't good enough", and if that fails, it tries "who do you think you are". Ironically, this sense of shame, this fear, produces as much separation as real rejection. In fact, it's maybe worse because when you choose to be vulnerable, and you are rejected, there is an opportunity to learn, to change, to grow, and try again. If you don't expose yourself, you will never know. There is no chance for it to get better. When I came to understand that I had nothing to lose, and a lot to possibly gain, I started to slowly, carefully, reveal the person I truly was. I started to practice vulnerability. I thought, worst case, I would learn that my fears were accurate. At least then I would know for certain what I was dealing with. At best, Louie was right, I would find that people accepted my imperfections, and I would know they authentically care for me, that I would experience true community, connection.<br />
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I started to lower my guard. I started to be willing to show my weaknesses. The reactions from people was mixed. There were some people who judged me. There were people who moved away from me, clearly troubled or threatened. But there were many more people, especially Libby and my closest friends who showed me the most amazing acceptance and love. I found that rather than being repelled by my weakness, they drew in closer. They stood by me, offered help, support, companionship. I experienced a life that was much more connected. Life got 1000% better.<br />
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A couple of years later we moved to a new city and found ourselves in a new church. We joined a small group and started to build new friendships. After a few months Libby and I noticed a pattern in what couples we were attracted to, and were starting to develop a closeness with. Their lives were messy. We could see that they were struggling with a host of issues. They weren't always positive… we would hear about pain, heartache, struggles. You know what? It was attractive. We knew who they were. They didn't live in a self protective bubble that kept everything at a safe distance. We realized that the lessons we had learned before moving were critically important. We didn't want to forget them, to slip into a pattern of self protection. Together we made a commitment to live as openly and honestly, vulnerably as we knew how.<br />
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The first test of this resolve came a few months after we had moved. Libby's mother passed away. We flew back to Columbus for the funeral. When we came back Libby was struggling with unresolved feelings related to her mom. We decided to talk with Lynne, one of our pastors who specialized in counseling. The first meeting with her was SCARY. It seemed like she saw right into our hearts. Not only did she ask questions about the things we presented and expected to talk about, but she asked questions that touched on things that we weren't comfortable thinking about, much less letting anyone else know about. We could have decided that she was too scary, too perceptive, too discerning. Instead, we realized that she was a women who loved people, who wanted to come along side and help. We also realized that she was commitment to living honestly, to be vulnerable. Rather than fear exposure, we decided that we would seek it out, and who better than someone who seemed to see things we weren't even aware of. After the immediate counseling issue was resolved we continued to seek this dear women out as a friend. Over the years Lynne became one of our most cherished friends. We found her insight liberating, and her vulnerability refreshing.<br />
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In Brene's second talk, "Listening to Shame", she suggests that shame is focused on self. Shame said "I am bad". She contracts shame to guilt. Guilt said "I did something bad", a focus on behavior. Brene went on to say that shame said "I <i>am</i> a mistake" where guilt says "I <i>made</i> a mistake". Shame destroys the opportunity for connectedness where guilt lets us compare what with did against what we want which is adaptable. While I think she makes a very good point, I think she doesn't go far enough. Shame is indeed extremely destructive, but guilt can also be quite corrosive. Even the briefest examination of the topic of guilt would more than double this post, so I won't. I will suggest the most excellent book called <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1579108741/" target="_blank">No Condemnation</a></i> by S. Bruce Narramore which has the subtitle <i>Rethinking Guilt Motivation</i>. I am sure it will be no surprise that the people people who taught me the most about vulnerability and wholehearted living, Lynne and Louie recommended this book to me and used it's material as they teach.</div>
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Brene talked about what happens when you put shame in a petrie dish. She observed that if you dose the dish with empathy, shame stands no chance. It can't grow. If you want to shame to grow, just add secrecy, silence, and judgement. I am committed to a life of vulnerability… to fight against shame, and encourage others to choose to be honest, vulnerable, courage. It is tempting to think "when I get things together, when I am sure things will work, when I am sure I will succeed, then I will let people in, then I will let people see the real me". There are two problems with this. First, it's unlikely to ever happen. Second, that's not what people want to see. What they want to see is honesty, they want to see people who dare greatly, who take risks. I would encourage everyone to choose to live with authenticity. Live in the light. My deepest regrets are the times I don't do this.<br />
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This is how one should regard us, as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God. Moreover, it is required of stewards that they be found faithful. But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. For I am not aware of anything against myself, but I am not thereby acquitted. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart. Then each one will receive his commendation from God. (1 Corinthians 4:1-5 ESV)</blockquote>
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Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained. (Philippians 3:12-16 ESV)</blockquote>
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<br />Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-74857153501501495022012-03-16T21:37:00.001-07:002018-07-05T15:06:47.140-07:0027+ Years of Blessing, Part 1Twenty seven years ago Libby and I were married in a school's multi-purpose room with our friends and family looking on. It was a stressful but happy day. The morning was spent moving Libby's belongings from the room she had been sharing with a friend to what was to be our new home… someone needed to move into Libby's old room ASAP. The afternoon was filled with all sorts of last minute errands to prepare for the wedding. We were one of the first couples in our peer group to get married. We didn't have friends who would tell us the words we now repeat:<br />
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Do you know then best thing about the wedding? When it's done, you are married!! That's all that matters. All the things that go wrong during the wedding will become favorite memories that you will laugh about five years from now.</blockquote>
A couple of hours before the wedding Libby returned to the house she had been living in to get cleaned up and get dressed. At the time she lived with 10-12 other women. The house had one good bathroom. Libby was so worried that with everyone getting ready for the wedding she wouldn't get to take a shower. I assured her that her housemates would make sure she would be prepared in time for the wedding, and that included getting to take a shower. Libby did get to take a shower before the wedding.<br />
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That night we were married, and started a grand adventure together. We were married pretty young… Libby was 21 and still working on her undergrad degree. Libby was fond of saying we were married young, maybe too young, but we choose well.<br />
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In the first few years of our marriage were hard. Most marriages to go through a difficult patch in the first few years as the romantic dreams runs headlong into the realities of life together. There were a number of issues in our personal lives, and in life circumstances that seemed overwhelming. There were times when some of these issues, especially some that Libby brought into our marriage seemed like they might crush us and I became resentful, even bitter. In time, God's mercy became evident, and healing in both our lives took place. I was once again able to see Libby clearly, to understand how precious she was, and how blessed I was to have her in my life. I was delighted to discover that Libby cherish me more than I could imagine. Sara Groves described coming through such a time in her song <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1DIAkZ-Pfo&feature=related" target="_blank">A Different Kind of Happy</a>. As time has passed, I have come to cherish Libby all the more.<br />
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Five months ago I had to write something for Libby's memorial program. How do you fit 30+ years of shared life and observations into a couple of paragraphs. How can you possibility figure out what is most important. Maybe someone who is a more gifted writer who thinks more deeply, could distill a life into a few paragraphs, but I sure couldn't. When my dad passed ten years ago I wrote up a short tribute which I called <a href="http://www.verber.com/carl/lessons.html" target="_blank">lessons from dad</a>. I wanted to write something like this for Libby because the memorial service program seemed to fall so short of capturing who Libby was… but I was unable to write anything. Today writing something down is coming a bit easier. This entry is my start to do justice to Libby's memories. To start to pull together something that truly honors the women Libby was. I am sure there is much more to write. The following are a few of Libby's characteristics that I believe deserve to be mentioned with a few observations of how I was blessed by Libby.<br />
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This evening a friend wished me "happy anniversary". These two simple words helped me realize that I had spent the day thinking of Libby… but it wasn't a weepy sad day, but rather a day where I found myself marveling at how much of a blessing Libby was. It was a happy anniversary.<br />
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<b>Loyal & Sacrificial Love:</b><br />
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During high school I heard Carole King sing "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHlcW_lKPl4" target="_blank">You've Got a Friend</a>". I thought this was my anthem, though I am not sure I actually lived up to all the lyrics. Libby wasn't particularly fond of the song, but it described her life well. No one could be a finer friend than Libby. She was deeply devoted to all her friends. No effort, no cost, no sacrifice was too large. She did not give up on people, nor would she be driven away, even if you gave her crap in return for the love. I can think of a number of people that Libby continued to love, support, confront, comfort, even when they responded very badly. Over time she might become fatigued, her words could take on an edge, she could become prickly, but she wouldn't give up. Libby was fond of saying "I am on your team." This statement often preceded statements which could be taken as an attack, but never were. Rather, Libby was willing to enter conflict, something she HATED, if it would help a friend. She was on your team. She would do anything if it would mean that you would be helped.<br />
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I am fond of saying that I married up. No, not in the typical way of marrying someone with more money, education, status, or influence. I mean marrying someone who was better than me, more noble. Libby cherished me. To be honest, this still amazes me, and I am so thankful for her agreeing to marry me. Even when I hurt her deeply, she continue to love me, cherish me. She treated my heart is if it was the most precious object. Careful not to break it, yet willing to be be an attending nurse when painful surgery was required.<br />
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My most vivid memory of this was a conversation we had over twenty years ago. I can still remember exactly where were we sitting. I wanted to make some life changes. She told me that she was sure I was about to make a huge mistake, I was running from things I should turn and face… but she would support me, love me, be at my side even if I continued to make stupid choices. As she expressed her commitment to love me, to stick by my side, it became clear to me what a cost she would pay to support me in a bad decision. I don't know that I have ever felt so loved. Her love gave me the courage to turn and face the things I was running from. In the ultimate irony, her willingness to sacrifice herself, saved her from experiencing that suffering because her love turned my heart.<br />
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<b>Courage:</b><br />
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Libby did not shy away from hard things. She was prepared to face them head on. She might be scared, feel overwhelmed, but if she thought something needed to be done or faced, she would lean into the discomfort. On the surface she had remarkable courage, but her heart was even more courageous. Libby had a very deep negative streak. She had a remarkable ability to identify anything that could possibly go wrong and some things that couldn't but she could imagine them breaking as well. Yet in spite of these terrible, worse case possible outcomes, she would find the courage to take a risk and step out to do what she felt she was called to do.<br />
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We would joke about what a good team we made. I am someone who typically assumes everything will work out, so I will sign up to take a risk without counting the cost. I would approach Libby and say "Lets give XYZ a try." She would wrestle through all her fears and say "Ok. Let's do it.". I would be fine up until the the hard commitment was requirement, the preverbal "jump off the cliff moment" at which point I found myself saying "Oh my God, what have I gotten us into". Libby would hold my hand, remind me why it was worth taking the risk and share with me all the issues she had to wrestle through. I would always find my spirit lighted as I laughed at some of the outrageous worse case scenarios she came up with. It was always easier to take a risk when you knew someone who loved you would be at your side.<br />
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<b>A Devotion to God:</b><br />
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People operate on multiple levels and sometimes all those levels are synchronized well, sometimes things don't work quite as your would expect. On many levels, Libby was more devoted to following the Lord than anyone I knew. She desired to build her life around God, around Jesus. She continuously sought for ways to serve and to proclaim Him. Life was ministry. She wanted to know the Lord intimately. The last ten years of her life she really benefits from the contemplative traditions she learned through <a href="http://wellspringca.org/" target="_blank">Wellspring</a>. She was devoted to practicing listening prayer. She longed to see the Lord clearly, to follow Him, to dance in His presence. Along side of this, Libby has a life long struggle with depression which often made it hard for her to find the joy in her Lord that she desired. One of the great comforts I had when she passed was that she is now seeing the Lord face to face, freed from the effects of sin, able to joyously worship her maker, to dance in His presence.<br />
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Libby's love for me made me want to cherish her. If I was married to nearly anyone else, they would have become an idol to me. Someone that was more important than anything, including following God. I have seen how that can go so badly wrong in other people's lives. Thankfully Libby was more devoted to the Lord than to me. When my focus shifted, she pointed me right back to God. To please her, I needed to please the Lord. Libby was such a perfect provision for me. It was through Libby's example that I found myself drawn to God. It was through her going to Heaven that I found my heart drawn to God in a new and deeper way.<br />
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I deeply miss Libby and find myself sometimes struggling with loneliness. It would be tempting to try and fill this longing with another person… but I am thankful that hasn't happened. These last few months without Libby has helped me see more clearly God's love, and provided me with a growing appreciating of how He cherishes me, how He cherishes all of us, and why Libby was so devoted. I am embarrassed to admit, in the past I might have traded closeness with God for a person who would cherish me as Libby did. I couldn't do that now. The thrill of seeing God work, the comfort He has provided my heart has been so great. I couldn't give that up. If there was any chance that a human relationship would take that away, I wouldn't be interested. For a bit I feared this meant I would never again have a relationship that was as intimate as what I had with Libby. But I know this doesn't have to be the case. I have Libby's example. With prayer, with grace, with daily seeking the Lord, it's possible to love someone dearly, to have them love you, and at the same time be deeply in love with our God. There is a lot I don't know about the future, but one thing I know, that the Lord is slowly growing my heart, drawing me closer, I am growing more devoted to Him. I find that I am a bit more like Libby each day which makes my heart glad.Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11066324.post-51332380509809132082012-03-05T06:00:00.000-08:002018-01-28T22:22:51.398-08:00Being Uncomfortable, Student and TeacherI would notice <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B001E5UEX8/" target="_blank"><i>The Courage to Teach</i></a> by Parker Palmer every time I visited my favorite bookstore. I didn't picked it up... I am not a teacher. In my mind, teachers are those brave souls who stands in front of students in a school, or in front of the congregation of a church and present a well structured, well scripted stream of information that enlightens and enlivens the audience. I have periodically found myself in a situation where I was called on to formally teach, but only because there was no one else available, not because I am particularly gifted or felt a great desire.<br />
I don't remember what ultimately led me to pick up <i>The Courage to Teach</i>, but I am glad I did. Rarely has a book so resonated with me. As I read Palmer's book, I realized that teaching isn't restricted to something done in front of a crowd of people. Teaching can also be a collaborative activity in a small group, or even one to one. I realized I aspire to be a teacher in improvisational settings: talking with a coworker about a hard problem they can't solve by themselves, with my daughter exploring a life choice, or in the aisle of REI discussing the effectiveness of various insect repellents based on scientific data.<br />
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Some teaching is light and easy, little more than passing on information. While this can be enjoyable, I love teaching that can be transformative, that has significance. There is a section of <i>The Courage to Teach</i> which talked about how deep truths that bring about transformation are often paradoxes. Hard to understand, and uncomfortable to sit within. Palmer starts this section saying:
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Holding the tension of paradox so that our students can learn at deeper levels is among the most difficult demands of good teaching... understand that the tension that comes when I try to hold a paradox together is not hell-bent on tearing me apart. Instead, it is a power that wants to pull my heart open to something larger than myself.</blockquote>
I find myself reflecting on this process, and find that today, I am more a student than a teacher. I am an impatience man. I don't like paradoxes. I don't like unanswered questions. I don't like a multitude of opportunities. I like the definite: decisions, direction, in a word, closure. The more important the issue, the closer an issue is to my heart, the more quickly I want resolution. Resolution rarely come as quickly as I wish. If we are blessed, this movement of the heart might be accomplished in a few hours, but often it's days, months, years, sometimes even decades. <br />
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Over the last several years, I have hoped to make a vocational change. To find a way to spend more time focused on people, and less on products and technology, to be a teacher in a small setting. This transition has seemingly been blocked. I wonder if this was because I was not ready to be a teacher, rather I needed to first learn to be a good student. Through the lose of Libby God has been teaching me how to be quiet, how to listen, how to be patient, to be a student of life. I still have much to learn, but at least in my own life, I am learning not to rush through things too quickly, even when it's uncomfortable.<br />
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I hope to be a good teacher some day, but I know I have a long way to go. A good teacher is willing to suffer along side the student as the learning process unfolds. In fact, a good teacher often needs to help the student by helping them stay in an uncomfortable place. While I have become more willing to sit in these hard places in my own life, I struggle greatly when people I care about are suffering. I want to "fix the problem". I will tend to rush them because I am uncomfortable, not because it is what will be the best for them. I pray that I learn to sit with others in those difficult places, to listen in silence while those hard paradoxes opens hearts, to support them in love while their hearts struggle and then finds true healing.
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Last Monday I would have said that I am making progress, that maybe I am starting to learn what it takes to be a good teacher. That afternoon I chatted with a good friend and found that I still have so much to learn. I had a expectation that I would be helping my friend. Instead I didn't listen, and said things that were completely unhelpful, exposing how off I was. The critique "Waiting your turn to speak is not the same thing as listening" strikes very close to home. After the conversion I found myself wondering if there was any hope, would I ever learn to listen? Could I help others? Thankful, I believe there is hope.<br />
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First came a question the next day. "When you speak before listening is that the end of it, or do you recognize your mistake and step back?" The previous day I had thought myself to be ready to teach and share something useful, but I completely missed what was happening in my friend's life. Yet, the story didn't end there. I was able to recognize I was missing something. I was able to recognize that rather than being a teacher in that moment, I was a student being taught through my friend's life and words. In the end, I believe I was able to offer some encouragement and help while I was learning from them.<br />
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Next came an essay at the end of the book <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B003P2W3PU/" style="font-style: italic;" target="_blank">Spiritual Formation</a> which discussed Henri Nouwen's view of spiritual formation. Nouwen saw spiritual life is a journey, as a series of spiritual movements from <i>this</i> quality to <i>that</i>, from things that enslave and destroy to liberation and life. Nouwen's books often articulate these movements and highlight that the transformation is brought about by the Spirit. This suggests that just recognizing the immediate movement and responding to it is sufficient. I found this comforting, because it's more about being in the moment that building of one thing on top of another. The following was the description of how Nouwen's approach to spiritual formation changed:
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In his early years as a priest who offered spiritual direction and supervision to seminarians and members of religious orders, Nouwen counseled others to follow the classical disciplines in order to climb the ladder of divine ascent in progressive stages of unification. Climbing Jacob’s ladder, step by step, toward spiritual perfection is a common image and motif in classical stage theory. Nouwen had read John of the Ladder, the sixth-century ascetic who sought perfection in the desert, and Nouwen despaired of ever reaching the top. By the time he arrived at Notre Dame as a professor of pastoral psychology, he had turned the ladder of ascent on its side and taught spiritual formation as a series of horizontal movements of the heart, back and forth, that require daily devotion and discipline, with the goal of human wholeness rather than divine perfection.</blockquote>
The third encouragement came the following day from a TED video by Brian Goldman entitled <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/brian_goldman_doctors_make_mistakes_can_we_talk_about_that.html" target="_blank">Doctors make mistakes. Can we talk about that</a>?. Goldman is calling for a radical change in the medical community: to acknowledge that being perfect, that never making mistakes is not possible. That the community should embrace mistakes and learn from them, and find better ways for people to work together as a team. Goldman's talk made me think of a conversation with a dear friend who is an extremely gifted counselor. In talking about the counseling process she said "It's not a set of skills, techniques or formal education. More important that any skill is to love the person in front of you, and to listen with an expectation that God is speaking into the situation." She often tells the people she is not concerned about being right, rather she is concerned that together, they can find what is true. She has great confidence that this can happen, because God is in the room, providing light and love.<br />
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Finally, as I was driving home I found myself listening to the song <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3u4ZsiU08E" target="_blank">A Different Kind of Happy</a> by Sara Groves which speaks about how good it is to look honestly at life with someone else, how sharing together transforms lives and relationships. When I listen to this song, the first thing that comes to mind is Libby and how much I appreciated sharing life with her. Libby is gone from this earth, but I still experience the sharing of life. The Bible talked about how all who follow Jesus are part of the "Body of Christ". That a hallmark of true faith is loving one another. I am so grateful to have experienced this profoundly in the last few months. Much of the love and support has come from people who are part of my local church, people who live in the bay area. But there are people who live more distantly that have helped me experience that different kind of happy. Dear friends who called / visited from Columbus, Phoenix, Boston, DC, and Anaheim. Timely words from friends spread across the world. A text message, Skype or email that came when I most needed help. Words from Russia, China, Taiwan, Singapore, India, and Thailand.<br />
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My take away? There is hope. It's possible or be a student, a learner, a teacher, because God is good. He cares for us and will lead us to truth and wholeness if we humbly turn our eyes to Him.<br />
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But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. -- <i>James 1:19-20</i>
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<br /></div>Mark Verberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17922059728378598651noreply@blogger.com1