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Sunday, December 30, 2012

Rule of Reciprocation


A month ago I happened upon a short story on NPR about the rule of reciprocation. The human inclination to reciprocate has been used by canny individuals and organizations throughout time to extract factorable actions from others. Over the years I have worked for companies that have different standards about gifts received from vendors and business partners. Some employers forbid any gratuity. At the time I thought this was extreme and unnecessary, but I now have an appreciation, even respect for such a firm policy.  I find myself wondering how much an inexpensive meal might have influenced my decisions. I want to say it hasn't, or only minimally, but how can I know?

One of the examples cited in the NPR story was the Hare Krishna passing out "free" flowers and then asking for a donation. I can still remember the first time I saw a Hare Krishna doing this in an airport: a tired traveler was trying to get through the airport as quickly as he could, a Hare Krishna moved to block the traveler's path, nearly forced a flower into his hand and then requested a donation. What happened next surprised me, the frustrated and angry traveler pull out his wallet and gave a donation even though he clearly didn't want the flower nor did he want to support Hare Krishna.

Yesterday we were walking in Haight-Asbury district and a "monk" told my daughter that he liked her haircut, placed several books in her hand saying they were a free gift of enlightenment, and then asked for a donation. She wasn't carrying any cash and said so. He turned to me, and asked for a donation. I said I had no money for him. He tried to guilt me into giving him money suggested that I likely drove a Volvo and had plenty of money. I was unmoved. He took the books back from my daughter and looked for his next victim. It wasn't a free gift or a genuine desire to share a blessing. This is an attempt to manipulate us into giving him money. Shame on him. 

I started to think about other encounters I have had over the last few years and realized that I have become much less influenced by reciprocation. It used to be that when I was given a gift and I didn't have a gift to give in return would often make up an excuse, and then as quickly as possible go out and purchase a "gift" to return. I rarely feel that today. I used to fight for the bill when sharing a meal with a friend. With some friends and family members it was a competition to see who could get the server to give them the bill. In the last year I have lost most of this compulsion. Most meals I still offer to pick up the tab, a way to demonstrate my appreciation for the time we shared, but if my dining partner suggests splitting the bill or offers to pick up the tab I don't fight about it. Am I becoming someone is so selfish that reciprocity has not impact?  I don't think so.

Gifts seem to have an increasingly small influence on me, but I am also finding myself feeling freer to give gifts. I find myself worrying less about how people will perceive me, and more on my attitude when receiving and/or giving a gift. I wrote a bit about the dynamics of giving a couple of weeks ago in the post Compassion or Control.  Today feel less guilt when I don't offer help to someone on the street than I did a couple of years ago, but it's not because I am becoming more uncaring, just that I don't feel called to help that one person at this time. That isn't to say that I don't offer help. Fairly frequently when asking "Can you spare a dollar so I can get something to eat" I will pause and offer a quick prayer for the person and their situation. Often I will be moved to say "I don't have a spare dollar, but I have a debt card, lets take you to XYZ and I will buy you a meal".   But if I don't have a sense that I need to do something, I am content.

After years of studying the Bible, learning from Jesus' life, learning more about God, I have come to truly believe in grace. That is unmerited favor. That there is NOTHING I can do to make God love me. That anything good that has happened to me is not because I am good or done something "right", but because God is good, kind, merciful.  So when I am given something "for free", I receive it with thankfulness, without the expectation that I can pay the person back. Likewise, I am feeling increasingly free to give where I feel led, be that my money, time, energy, and attention and to not worry so much about the response I get. I think this is a good thing, even if it sometimes violates others expectations.

If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. If you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners in order to receive back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
Luke 6:32-36

Saturday, December 08, 2012

Compassion without Control


A week ago, a photograph went viral which showed a nypd officer's act of kindness.  Like many people I was touched by the officer's act, as well as the response of many people to the picture that had been taken.  Since the picture was taken a more detailed story came out, indicating that the shoeless man's story is a bit more complex. Cynics might say, the act of kindness was foolish. I think this would be a mistake.

I often feel a tension when I see someone who appears to be homeless or otherwise in need.  I don't want to be a fool, to be taken advantage. I don't want to empower or encourage bad decisions, but I would like to really help them. I am happy to pay a cost if it would make a difference. Sometimes I think I shouldn't give people help directly, rather I should give my time and money to one of the many organizations that serve marginalize people on the theory that they are more likely to see to it that the money actually helps a person. Yet, I think this is  this is at best an incomplete solution.

I am seeing that when I am confronted by people in need, it isn't just about the person or their apparent need. This is also about my heart. The question is "Can I give without strings attached?  Can I let go of the results, give up any sense of control?" A phrase that I recently heard (though I haven't read the book so I don't know if it taking about exactly what I am) is love without agenda. I find that I have a very hard time doing this.

So how do I resolve this tension? My answer recently is with prayer, by being sensitive to how God is moving my heart. The truth is that I can't know how a gift, act of service, any help I provide might be used or what it will accomplish. I can't see the future. What might appear good right now, might have unintended negative consequences down the road. Likewise, something that seemed to do good right now might not have a good long term effect. I find Ephesian 2:10 to be a great comfort:
For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.
This suggests to me that there is more at play that just my ability to assess a situation and make a good decision. That God himself is providing opportunities to love and serve. The question is not "what will the outcome be", but "is this something God is asking me to do now".  A focus on pleasing God rather than seeing a specific outcome, trusting that God knows what He is doing, and that I have the honor to participate in His grand work. What may appear to be folly right now, but produce untold blessings in the future. Imagine with me that the prodigal son in Luke 15 was a real person rather than a parabolic character. We can be appalled by the prodigal's conduct, and that his father enabled such bad decisions.  Yet, that story has also  served to be a source of great encouragement and wisdom for nearly 2000 years.
Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith. (Galatians 6:9-10, NASB)