Rule of Reciprocation

A month ago I happened upon a short story on NPR about the rule of reciprocation. The human inclination to reciprocate has been used by canny individuals and organizations throughout time to extract factorable actions from others. Over the years I have worked for companies that have different standards about gifts received from vendors and business partners. Some employers forbid any gratuity. At the time I thought this was extreme and unnecessary, but I now have an appreciation, even respect for such a firm policy.  I find myself wondering how much an inexpensive meal might have influenced my decisions. I want to say it hasn't, or only minimally, but how can I know?

One of the examples cited in the NPR story was the Hare Krishna passing out "free" flowers and then asking for a donation. I can still remember the first time I saw a Hare Krishna doing this in an airport: a tired traveler was trying to get through the airport as quickly as he could, a Hare Krishna moved to block the traveler's path, nearly forced a flower into his hand and then requested a donation. What happened next surprised me, the frustrated and angry traveler pull out his wallet and gave a donation even though he clearly didn't want the flower nor did he want to support Hare Krishna.

Yesterday we were walking in Haight-Asbury district and a "monk" told my daughter that he liked her haircut, placed several books in her hand saying they were a free gift of enlightenment, and then asked for a donation. She wasn't carrying any cash and said so. He turned to me, and asked for a donation. I said I had no money for him. He tried to guilt me into giving him money suggested that I likely drove a Volvo and had plenty of money. I was unmoved. He took the books back from my daughter and looked for his next victim. It wasn't a free gift or a genuine desire to share a blessing. This is an attempt to manipulate us into giving him money. Shame on him. 

I started to think about other encounters I have had over the last few years and realized that I have become much less influenced by reciprocation. It used to be that when I was given a gift and I didn't have a gift to give in return would often make up an excuse, and then as quickly as possible go out and purchase a "gift" to return. I rarely feel that today. I used to fight for the bill when sharing a meal with a friend. With some friends and family members it was a competition to see who could get the server to give them the bill. In the last year I have lost most of this compulsion. Most meals I still offer to pick up the tab, a way to demonstrate my appreciation for the time we shared, but if my dining partner suggests splitting the bill or offers to pick up the tab I don't fight about it. Am I becoming someone is so selfish that reciprocity has not impact?  I don't think so.

Gifts seem to have an increasingly small influence on me, but I am also finding myself feeling freer to give gifts. I find myself worrying less about how people will perceive me, and more on my attitude when receiving and/or giving a gift. I wrote a bit about the dynamics of giving a couple of weeks ago in the post Compassion or Control.  Today feel less guilt when I don't offer help to someone on the street than I did a couple of years ago, but it's not because I am becoming more uncaring, just that I don't feel called to help that one person at this time. That isn't to say that I don't offer help. Fairly frequently when asking "Can you spare a dollar so I can get something to eat" I will pause and offer a quick prayer for the person and their situation. Often I will be moved to say "I don't have a spare dollar, but I have a debt card, lets take you to XYZ and I will buy you a meal".   But if I don't have a sense that I need to do something, I am content.

After years of studying the Bible, learning from Jesus' life, learning more about God, I have come to truly believe in grace. That is unmerited favor. That there is NOTHING I can do to make God love me. That anything good that has happened to me is not because I am good or done something "right", but because God is good, kind, merciful.  So when I am given something "for free", I receive it with thankfulness, without the expectation that I can pay the person back. Likewise, I am feeling increasingly free to give where I feel led, be that my money, time, energy, and attention and to not worry so much about the response I get. I think this is a good thing, even if it sometimes violates others expectations.

If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. If you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners in order to receive back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

Luke 6:32-36

Attitudes & Dating

The following was written as a companion to a teaching series about dating at PBC's Young Adult Fellowship. While this post specifically addresses dating relationships, the core principle is equally applicable to platonic friendships or relationships with coworkers.

I have had countless conversations over the years with friends about how hard the "dating dance" is and how there are so many potential pitfalls. From these conversations it is clear that my friends so much want someone who will cherish them, someone to share the joys of life with, but finding that person is so difficult and painful they can sometimes wonder if it is worth it.  I encourage them to seek to understand how God might want bless them, be it though  singleness or marriage. What's most important is to be open to what God is doing.

I have often noticed my friends struggle more than is necessary because they are seeking romance but really want intimacy. But even when my friends have known what they are looking for, there are still plenty of struggles. I often hear my friends wrestling with:

• Why can't I find someone I want to date?
• Why don't people want to date me?
• How can I avoid being taken advantage of, how can I be sure I don't give away too much?

Often I suggest to my friends that they need a mind shift, a new approach to dating. An approach that moves things from the realm of chemistry and instant connection into the realm if intimacy and friendship which can be the basis for a wondrous relationship. I think there is a new perspective which addresses all of these questions.

Don't Be a Consumer...

The question "what are you looking for?" in relation to who to date is understandable, but can put us in the wrong mindset. I have noticed some people looking at potential dates almost the way they would look at cars. Comparing price, features, style, etc. I believe the advent of online dating services have fueled this tendency. Statistics from For Love or Money: Does Online Dating Really Work? indicate that 73% marriage partners still meet the "old fashion way", but I think online dating services have changed many people's expectations, even those who don't meet their future spouse through a dating site. There are countless profiles one can peruse. These sites give the impression that there is a huge, an almost unlimited number of possible dating / marriage partners. These sites provide an illusion that if we are willing to wait, we will be able to find exactly what we are looking for.

Most of us believe the more choices we have, the happier we will be, because we will be able to choice what is perfect. Unfortunately, that's not how it works. Barry Schwartz throughly explores this issue in his book The Paradox of Choice. What he, and a number of other researchers have found is that if you give people more choices, they tend to make worse choices, and they tend to be less content with choices they make… especially if they believe the will be able to change their mind in the future. This was nicely summarized in Dan Gilbert's talk Why are We Happy. Applied to dating and marriage, if you are getting involved with someone, but are thinking in the back of your mind, "Maybe this is the right person, maybe they aren't, there are other people if this doesn't work out" you are less likely to see the relationship go well. I am not advocating to going back to arranged marriages, or that you have to marry the first person you date, but I will suggest how you approach the relationship may have much more to do with how successful the relationship is than picking the perfect person.

The final way a consumer orientation will lead you wrong is that it can set your expectations too high. You start to have an expectation that this wonderful person you have found will make your life better, they will fulfill you. The relationship will go well because you found someone great. This is doomed. No matter how special or wonderful the other person is, that if you are looking to them to complete you, to meet all your needs and desires, you will be sadly disappointed. You are designed for life in a community. You are designed to be in relationship with God. There are many things that only God can provide. You will get nothing but grief if you decide to remove all the other avenues God might use in your life by saying "my date or my spouse, they are my provision". Furthermore, if you have troubling finding that one person, or the person you found fails you, it's very easy to turn the consumer thinking around and wonder if the reason you have having trouble is because you aren't a good "product", e.g. that you aren't worthy of love. The best ground to start a relationship with someone else is to be confident in God's love for you.

… Be an Investor

A very common issues I have seen a number of friends struggle with, especially though who are trying online dating is a fear that they are going to be taken advantage of, that they will give away things while dating that they shouldn't. One response to this in some Christian circles toward avoiding "dating", and to embrace "courtship". I have often seen people taking a "courtship" perspective, while avoiding some pitfalls of modern dating, run headlong into others. A fear of being taken from, of lose, demonstrates a perspective which is rooted in taking rather than giving. A key truth is that people can't steal something you are freely giving. I have seem people (typically men) who are reluctant to invest in a relationship unless they are sure that the other person is going to reciprocate their interest. This self protection almost always results in a failed relationship because it shows a lack of courage, and an unwillingness to love unconditionally. I think the secret to good dating relationships is to be focused on giving rather than taking.

I encourage my friends to ask the questions"What am I bringing into this relationship?" and "what am I investing into this relationship?" This is a focus on service, and looking for opportunities to grow, to learn, to care for someone else. My experience is that relationships where one or both of the participants viewed the relationship as a context to learn and grow in love did well. That's not to say that the dating led to marriage, or marriage didn't have their struggles, just that if the dating relationships ended, both people tended to part as friends, that the marriages were able to push through the tough times, and that the couple would say that the dating relationship was a force of good in their life. For me, this perspective was instilled by the teaching and example of the leaders of the church I attended in college and as a young adult. Much of what I was taught got turned into the book Spiritual Relationship That Last which was written by two of our pastor / elders. If I was to select a single sentence from this book, to extract the key to a successful relationship, it would be "... is not to find the right person, but to become the right person: a person who has learned to practice Christian love at the most intimate level"

Rather that viewing dating primarily as a way to determine if a person is your future mate it is much better to view your dating relationship as an opportunity to learn to love someone, to grow, and to help your date to grow. Dating relationships provide wonderful opportunities to develop relationship skills. Dating provides opportunities to influence each other. To encourage each other, to challenge each other to grow. Dating provides time to learn about someone. During the early stages of a dating relationship I would suggest that we need to strongly resist the tendency to ask "is this the person I will marry?". Rather, just enjoy learning who this wondrous person is. They are fearfully and wonderfully made. God is doing something special with them. What an adventure to get to see the arc of their life. Maybe you will get to share life's journey as a spouse, maybe as a friend... but whatever the outcome, the time spent dating someone isn't wasted. The time will come when you will have to decide how a relationship will evolve, but there are many good outcomes, several of which don't involve marriage. Even chance encounters with people you will never see again could be a blessing.

When we feel attraction toward someone else, it's hard to know if we are actually investing in them, loving them, or if we are largely being driven by our emotions and desires. Our hearts are best revealed when what we desire is denied. Our response to a relationship ending truly reveals our heart, but that's too late. I sometimes encourage people to do a thought experiment. Lets say a young man is struggling through his feelings toward a young lady. I ask him to consider how he would response if after a bit the women he is attracted to shares that she feels that she has been called to go to Siberia as a missionary in the next year, and he didn't. I will ask the young man "If you are confident that she is called to this ministry could you set aside your personal desire for her as a romantic partner, join with others to provide financial support, pray for her daily, encourage her to follow strongly after the Lord, even though that takes her to a distant country?" I might even challenge him to imagine he knows a godly man who was also called to Siberia. I ask "Could you introduce them knowing they might get married which would be a blessing for them, giving both a partner in a tough ministry." If the answer is "I don't think I could do that" I ask the question "Why not?" This is the sort of love we are called to have.

Earlier I recommended several books about dating.  The two books that I think are particularly relevant to this post are  The Marriage Builder by Larry Crabb and The Meaning of Marriage by the Kellers. These two books explore the issues I have raised in much more detail.

As for me, this is a season of singleness. A time to take care of my daughter and to figure out what's next in life. Of course not dating doesn't mean you can't invest in other people's lives.  I still get the pleasure of  spending time with new and old friends, hearing their stories, and maybe helping them along the way. Being in community is precious.

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, [dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:8-9

On the Same Spiritual Journey

As I mentioned in earlier postings, you shouldn't expect to find someone who is a perfect compliment for you, someone who is perfectly mature. Why? Because both you are a work in progress. Neither of you will be fully formed and "perfect". So it's pointless to look at a person as they are now, and expect that's who they will be in the future. Just getting married is likely to change them. Rather,  you need to be able to see who they are becoming.

Anyone who knows me will realize that I think that our relationship with God is core, central to life, so this perspective has a strong influence of the rest of this post. My understanding of the Bible is that God wants all people to have a right relationship with Him based on His love and justice, and that in response to God's initiation toward us that we  grow in maturity, in love, to become more like Jesus in our everyday lives. I believe that the Bible promises that this will be accomplished in an ultimate sense, that we will see the final result of this when God forms a new heaven and new earth. We are active participants, we can decided to respond to God's loving initiation and grow in this life, or we can hold on to our old, selfish ways, and see very little growth or love. The open question is how much of a transformation you and your beloved might experience in this lifetime. My desire, and I hope yours, is to experience as much of this life giving change as I can in this life. If this is your desire, that I would encourage you to seek someone who is going this same direction, someone who has a strong desire, and a commitment to grow in love and understanding so you can be companions, encouraging one another, and helping one another as the years go by and as life changes.

Since people aren't static, since people are changing, what's most important is not who they are right now, but who they are becoming. So if following God, growing in love, are important to you, then this is something to be looking for. I would encourage you not to look at just externals, like "Do they go to church"… yes, the absence of church is telling, but the presents doesn't provide much information. A much more important question is when God puts a challenge before them, when their world is shaken up, do they gratefully and quickly take the correction and respond to what God is showing them, or do they dig in their heels and want to keep where they are? Are they quick to choose to serve, or do the prize their personal comfort and peace. Seek someone who is seeking God first, and who wants to learn and grow with you. A shared life toward God.

It's very important for a married couple to share a core world view. Otherwise they will be pulling at each other. If core values and beliefs are vary too much, either there will be irreconcilable difference which will affect everything, or one will be forced to compromise which typically doesn't go well. This means that someone who is strongly committed to a religion or world view should stay within that system. Bible believing Christians, with Christians, Koran believing Muslims with Muslims, militant atheists with atheists, etc. There are many people who are more nominal in their beliefs and can be happy crossing religious boundaries, for example I know numerous nominal Catholics and Jews who are very happy together because while religious practices are a bit different, their world views and values are quite similar.

For someone who takes a biblical Christian faith seriously, a shared spiritual life can take many forms. Praying together, serving together, going to church and other spiritual activities. It can be as simple as talking on a walk in the evening and sharing what God has been teaching you that day, or asking for input about an issue or person you are struggling with. The key is that both of you realize that God is involved in your lives, you look for how God is directing you, and you share your insight and listen to your partner. Some people think this means doing Bible studies and morning devotionals together. While this can be a good thing, in my opinion it is not a necessity. Yes, you want a dynamic interaction, to be learning and growing together, encouraging one another and benefitting from what the other is learning. This sort of interaction doesn't have to be in the context of a formal study, it can happen in daily life provided you leave space for it to occur and initiate with each other. I would suggest that if the only time you talk about such things is in a formal study, something is deeply wrong.

Some people reading this post might already be married. Maybe you came to faith after you were married, maybe you felt the person you married was so special that  somehow your difference in faith could be overcome. My encouragement, the Bible's encouragement is to stick with your commitment to your spouse. To love them, and to be a positive influence in their life. Paul talks about how a Christian wife or husband can be a blessing, a force for good in their partner's life. This will not be easy. I have seen strong and successful marriages where one partner was a high committed Christian and the other was not a Christian. These couples have figure out how to agree to disagree. They have learned to support the other person's passions and activities without compromising their own integrity. For example, I know a couple where the wife is passionate about world missions, and the husband doesn't believe in Jesus. Yet, because he recognizes how important missions is to his wife, He is able to value the work she does. He encourages her to take trips, helps with logistics planning, will got to meetings that promote the acts of service. He loves his wife, he sees that this work brings her joy, so he supports her. Likewise, she is deeply invested in his life and the things that are close to his heart. And yet, I know that both partners feel a tension, and areas of life they would like to share with the other, but can't. Much more common are relationships where these difference tear people apart. Where beliefs and practices are belittled, where commitments to activities are viewed as stealing from the family, etc. This is much, much more common… so if your aren't yet married, I would strongly encourage you not to marry unless you find your faith aligned.

I have periodically heard people say "Yes, I know I shouldn't marry a non Christian, but dating would be ok. The Bible doesn't say I have to date Christians."  I wonder if the reason there is no passage that said "don't date non Christians" is because dating didn't exist when the Bible was written. Rather than asking the question "Is it permitted?" a better question is "Is it profitable, loving?" The problem I see with dating non Christians is what happens if the relationship goes well. All too often I have seen a couple enjoy each other, grow closer together and then the question comes up, "Where do we go from here?" A Bible following Christian is in a difficult place. On the one hand, they see real value in their relationship, they would like it to continue. On the other hand, the Bible is pretty clear that we shouldn't enter into a marriage with a non Christian. They have three options. One option is to keep up barriers so the relationship only progresses so far, e.g. short of marriage unless the partner decides to walk with Jesus. This can be quite awkward. There is no telling how long this will take, or if it will ever happen. There is also a risk that the relationship will actually be an obstacle to the beloved coming to see God clearly. The second option is to break the relationship off which typically delivers the strangest message. That the relationship is ending because it's too good. "What?" is the common response, followed by their partner feeling judged. Rather than the beloved person hearing the gospel that we all sin, need forgiveness and reconciliation which is offered by God, they hear that somehow they aren't good enough to marry, that they need to "do" something. Often they will feel led on, taken advantage of. The final option is for the Christian to go against something that is clearly in the Scripture. In nearly all cases, I have seen this have very bad consequences… often great relational pain and often struggles if not walking away from a faith which had previously been life giving.

As I look back at my relationship with Libby, one of the defining characteristics, and one of the biggest blessing for me, was that Libby valued her relationship with the Lord more than with me, and that she was concerned for where I stood in relation to God. In 1980 I saw something wonderful in Libby (I now know it was the Lord's Spirit changing her life). I wanted it, I wanted Libby. She was very attracted to me as well but she resisted her attraction because I wasn't a Christian. As I pursued her, Libby was very careful to give no indication that she was attracted to me. Because she knew of our mutual interest, and didn't want to lead me on, she made sure that we were never alone together. She would invite me to do things with a group, not just her. She never said "Believe in God and you get me." In fact, I think she counted the cost, let go of me completely, choose to live as if we would never date. She was a friend and was careful to make sure I knew that was all there was. Eventually I figured out my deep hunger was for God Himself. Yes, I still wanted Libby, but I could see the Lord is what I was deeply hungering for. I came to faith.

After I became a Christian I saw Libby a couple times a week at church related events. As I saw more of Libby my interest in her grew. I pursued Libby with even more purpose. Libby knew how much I needed to grow. She sat me down and said "You want to be dating. That's not happening. If we started to date right now, I think it would distract both of us from some really good things that are happening in each of our lives". She wasn't judgmental, she was encouraging. She didn't make any promises, but she didn't close the door either. Over a number of months I learned more about my new faith. I learned to study the Bible, and began to teach my friends what I was learning. I developed relationships with a number of the men in the church. I started to find ways I could serve. I was still attracted to Libby. After a number of months I started to pursue Libby again. I have to tell you that it was quite difficult to convince Libby that dating (and later getting married) was ok. She was afraid she wanted me more than the Lord. She eventually came to the conclusion that with prayer, she could keep the Lord first, but also love and cherish me. I am so glad she had this priority, and also that she decided that it was ok to cherish me as well. Libby's example has continued to challenge and encourage me. Even before we started dating, she put my needs (to know God) before her desires. She continued to do that through out our marriage. I believe I learned to do the same for her.

Not compromising your beliefs, your faith is a good starting point. Going to church, being involved in a community and serving others is also important, but there is much more. Ultimately, the question is what's in our heart. What directs our lives? Who do we live for? I have seen men and women who built their lives around their spouse. I know people who would say "Wow, I would love someone who is that devoted to me". You might think it would be good to have your spouse that devoted to you, but it doesn't work out so well in most cases. The problem with this is that God is the only one who is worthy of such devotion, such worship. People are just false idols, fallible, imitations of who we should worship. What happens? Eventually the spouse that is being worshipped, who is at the center of the relationship falls. They demonstrate that that aren't worthy. It could be something big or small. However this works out, it shatters the person who put their spouse at the center of their life. They now have to figure out how to go forward, how to rebuild. It's very hard. Much better for God to be at the center of the relationship, and based on that to be devoted to one another.

I understand the desire to have someone who cherishes you, who loves you. There may be someone in your life right now who cares deeply about you, and you care for them as well, that is great. Or maybe you don't have someone today, but you have hopes for the future. My one request is to make sure you are picking someone who is going in the same direction as you, with the same commitments and passions. If you don't do this,  the relationship will fall far short of what God desires  for you. Some people struggle with the question "If not this person, who?"  I can't answer that, though I appreciate the longing. I deeply miss sharing life with Libby now that she is home with the Lord… but I have to say that as good as it is to be loved and cherished, it pails in comparison to what the Lord has planned out for us. We won't see all of His plans in this life, it's too wondrous for this world. In the mean time, our God is good, good all the time. He will provide what is needed to move our story forward until all is set right again. We can trust that He knows what He is doing, and that if He left us instructions, that there was a good reason, it wasn't capricious or out of cruelty, but out of love.

Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. We love, because He first loved us.  If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from Him, that the one who loves God should love his brother also.

I John 4:15-21

Romance & Intimacy

In my previous posts I have suggested that marriage was designed to provide companionship in the context of a committed relationship where both parties choose to sacrificially love the other. The fuel for these sorts of relationships is a bit different from our popular culture's model for happily ever after.

Don't Settle for Romance...

Conversations with singles who would like to  be dating or married inevitable leads to discussions of what they are looking for. I often hear women talking about wanting to find someone they have a "spark" with. When I have asked  what this spark is, I typically haven't gotten a clear definition, one of those "you know, spark" answers. I suppose if I watched "The Bachelor" I won't have to ask the question. When I ask guys I get a variety of answers, typically not as concise as the women, but often it boils down to finding someone they share a romantic attraction with. This is mirrored by a study that looked at how selection criteria for wives changed from 1937 to 2007. According to this survey, the number one thing guys now look for is mutual attraction and love.

I believe our culture's focus on spark, attraction, romance, chemistry, pick your favorite word, leads many people in the wrong direction, and maybe make it difficult for them to find what their heart truly longs for. Our culture encourages us to look for what I would called natural happiness or pure romance. Pure romance is the idea that we can find our perfect soul-mate, the person that completes us, and once we find that person, everything will be great. We will know when we meet this person, when we have found "true love", because we will feel it, sense it.  Unfortunately, this sort of love is based in circumstances and positive emotions. While this is a wonderful experience, this pure romance doesn't have staying power to last a lifetime. The first problem is that circumstances and emotions can and do change. Any relationship based primarily on these things will have struggles, if not fail, as life brings change. Second, these sorts of experiences are subject to what is called adaptive hedonism, or the law of diminishing returns. The first bite of an exotic dish can be amazingly tasty. The 6th bite, while very good, doesn't have the same impact as the first bite. The food hasn't lost it's flavor, it's that we have gotten used to it. Natural romance works the same way. Of course, it doesn't fade so quickly. Depending on the study, the intoxicating aspects of romance have been found to typically last between three months and two years. While the length of time varies between the studies, every study shows a drop off after a period of time. Why? Because eventually we get to know a real person rather than being infatuated with a fantasy, a dream. We begin to see  flaws in our love that we original glossed over. We  experience conflict when we want different things. For the relationship to do well, there is a need for something more than the initial romantic feelings. That doesn't mean that after a few years marriages will be dry or romance less.  It means that romance will need a more substantial fuel to continue to burn hot.

… Seek True Intimacy

I would like to suggest that rather than asking "Who am I attracted to?" a better question is "Who is, or who do I think will become, my best friend". Look for someone who is a kindred spirit. Someone cares about you and the things that are closest to your heart. Start by looking for a friend. Romantic feelings will come and go, but a friendship, true intimacy can not just survive, but grows throughout a shared life.  In many cases, if there is intimacy and a desire for romance, the romance will bloom as well. If not, you have a life long friend. I think that the Kellers' made this point better than I could in The Meaning of Marriage:

I’m not saying that you should marry someone when you feel no attraction. The Bible does indicate that your spouse must be more than your dearest friend, but not less. Most of us know that there is some truth in the stereotype that men overvalue beauty in a prospective spouse and that women overvalue wealth in a potential mate. But if you marry someone more for these things than for friendship, you not only are setting yourself up for future failure—wealth may and sexual appeal will decrease—but you are also setting yourself up for loneliness. For what Adam in the garden needed was not just a sexual partner but a companion, bone of his bones, and flesh of his flesh. If singles accepted this principle, it would drastically change the way people seek a marriage partner in our day. 

It is typical for a single person to walk into a room and see a number of people of the opposite sex and immediately begin to screen them, not for companionship but for attractiveness. Let’s say three out of the ten look appealing. The next step is to approach those three to see what rapport there may be. If one of them will agree to go out on a date, and you get romantically involved, perhaps you’ll see if you can turn that person into a friend as well. The problem is many of your best prospects for friendship were likely among those you ruled out because they were too tall or too short, too fat or too skinny. We think of a prospective spouse as primarily a lover (or a provider), and if he or she can be a friend on top of that, well isn’t that nice! We should be going at it the other way around. Screen first for friendship. Look for someone who understands you better than you do yourself, who makes you a better person just by being around them. And then explore whether that friendship could become a romance and a marriage. So many people go about their dating starting from the wrong end, and they end up in marriages that aren’t really about anything and aren’t going anywhere. 

I have repeatedly watch a funny pattern among college students. There will be a girl and a guy who are good friends, often best friends. If you would ask them, there is no romantic attraction, they are just friends. While their friendship develops they are often dating other people and will  ask the other for advise with their love life. One day, one of them will wake up and realize that while they have felt attracted to other people, there is no one that they trust or care for more than their friend. All of a sudden they realize what a gem they have, what a great friendship they are enjoying, and realize that they would like more. Yet there is a fear, what if the other doesn't feel the same way. They worry that they might lose the friendship if they reach for more. Often this realization happens as they are considering dating someone else. One day they are asking their friend for advise about a person they are attracted toward, and the next they are asking their best friend out for a date because they realized there is no one they would rather be with. I have seen many marriages start this way, though this doesn't always happen. Sometimes nothing is ever said, they go through life as good friends and many people wonder why they never dated or married. Sometimes they will talk and realize that while they are best friends, that's as far as it will go. Maybe the interest is just one way or they feel called in different directions. Maybe they see areas in life, or fundamental values that would prevent them from enjoying a rich marriage. Talking with someone about changing a friendship into a dating relationship is awkward and can put stress on the friendship. If both people are honest it doesn't have to damage the friendship so long as both are willing to be content with what is mutually agreed to.

I had the privilege to experience real intimacy, deep love in my relationship with Libby. Through our dating and marriage there were times of intense romance, were we both felt that intoxicating attraction and pull toward each other. There were also difficult time, especially early in our marriage when we both struggled in our personal lives and with each other. During this time even the slightest spark of romantic attraction departed. But the story doesn't end there. I also saw the sparks come back and turn into a blaze as we healed and turned toward each other, cherish one another. The times we were deeply, romantically in love were wonderful, but even the best of those moments don't hold a candle to the times where deep, abiding love was seen and responded to as we connected and worked through difficult issues. When Libby offered to sacrifice her happiness to stand by me, even if I was about to do something stupid, and I responded, change my mind, we both experiences deep intimacy, joy, love. As I cared for Libby in the last days of her life, and she barely had the energy to smile, we both experienced a profound sense of love, connection. I wouldn't trade that last week, painful as it was, for the most "romantic" moments we shared. It might sound odd, but I can't express how much I felt loved, by being able to take care of Libby in those last days, knowing there was nothing Libby could do for me in this life. I think finding the true romance, deep intimacy, is beautifully captured in Sarah Groves song A Different Sort of Happy. Of course, how we seek intimacy has a great influence of whether we find it. I have suggested in another post that your perspective in dating will effect whether you will find the intimacy you seek.

Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.  -- Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

What Makes a Good Marriage?

One could write a whole book, and many have, about what makes a good marriage. Rather than trying to make an exhaustive list, I am going to highlight just three things. I believe if these three areas are attended to, a marriage will ultimately succeed, blessing the partners and the community they are part of.

Commitment

The Bible makes clear that the start of a marriage is a commitment, a covenant, between two people and God. This commitment is for the life. Not just when things are easy, happy, or good. The heart of marriage is choosing to bind your life to another. To care for them, to love them. It seems silly, in light of this to spend any time talking about the importance of commitment… but it seems our culture has lost sight of how important commitment is, and how choosing to commit to someone changes us, makes the marriage stronger and better.

There has been some interesting research which provide insight into one of the ways commitment improved a marriage. It has been documented that the act of choosing something or someone, making a commitment, actually changes the way we evaluate attractiveness, beauty, goodness, even if we don't remember making the choice. Our brains actually rewire to prefer what we choose, what we make a commitment to. Jesus described this in Matt 6:21, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also". The act of investing in someone makes them more important to you. You will have a tendency to like them more, to find them more value, to feel romantic attraction.

So the question is, what are we committing to?  It's making the other person a priority. Choosing to serve them. To put them before yourself. To choose to sacrificially love them.  And lets face it… you are going to need to be sacrificial. Romance often blinds us to our love's flaws. When the fantasy of an ideal marriage partner meets the harsh reality that you married a sinner, you are going to need to sacrifice if you want things to work out. Christ provided the model. One of the most encourage passages in the Bible for me is Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. This verse reminds me of the great love that God has toward me. That Jesus sacrificed Himself for my sake. I realize that whatever is before me, is much less than Jesus went through. God initiated love toward me, and based on that I can choose to initiate, to love others with His strength.

Some people I talk to seem to think a focus on "commitment" is very unromantic. They want passion and romance. I actually believe commitment is the soil that great romance grows best in, that can keep it thriving through the years. One of my favorite "romantic" stories is a bit unusual but touches on how commitment effects romance. I had a friend we can call Paul. He worked with a delightful women I will call Karen. Paul was attracted to her, physically yes, but even more to her courageous spirit and kind heart. Unfortunately for Paul, Karen was married so Paul was careful to be just friends,  not to get romantically or inappropriately involved, to honor her wedding vows. A few years into their friendship Karen's husband showed his true colors and deserted her and their two young children. Paul continued to be a friend to Karen, but was now able to hope for more. Several months after the divorce he asked Karen out on a date. She said "No", than she was too overwhelmed by life as a single parent. He counter offered, he just wanted to spend time with her, so he would be happy to do practical things with her if she wasn't free for a "date", and/or if there were tasks she could give him so she would have time to go out, he would do those tasks for her, and then take her out. Over a period of a year Paul was an amazing friend to Karen. Karen came to truly appreciate Paul, but if you would ask her, she would have denied being "in love" with him. She was "in love" once before and she got burned. She couldn't image being "in love" ever again. After a year Paul knew Karen was who he wanted as a wife. He also understand Karen well. His proposal wasn't very romantic in the classic sense. His proposal was "Do you think you would be better off with me in your life, or without me. If life will be better with me, lets get married.". Karen thought about his proposal for a number of days. Eventually she accepted Paul's offer. She didn't jump up and down in excitement. She didn't feel deep romantic attraction, but she did know she was loved and that life with Paul by her side would be good. That was several decades ago. Since then they have had several children of their own. Today if you ask Karen if she is in love with Paul, her answer is an unqualified yes. Romance bloomed out of their shared life, the commitment they made to care for each other,  because they continually turned toward each other.

Intimacy: inviting influence, being transparent

In the book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work John Gotmann shares what makes strong marriages based on the analysis of thousands of married couples. He identified seven key attributes, but nearly all these attributes could be summed up as turn toward your partner in care.

I have seen how turning toward Libby, being open to her has changed me in all sorts of ways, both big and small. On the small scale, is my musical taste. As I look at the music I have been listening to, I can see Libby's influence. There are some artists I might not have know of but for her introduction. Some of these artists I would have liked because they play in a style I naturally enjoy. But Libby's influence goes beyond that. There are songs, albums, and artists I love now become Libby loved them. They meant something to her, so over time they came to mean something to me. There are also songs I have come to love because they remind me so much of Libby. I have come to cherish the moments that music brings to Libby to mind.  Whenever this happens, I try to to take a moment, to turn to God with a  grateful heart, and thank Him for the the influence Libby had in my life. One of the big ways that Libby has changed me is in the area of prayer. Libby loved to pray. She embraced a contemplative life.  I tend to be action oriented. I like doing things. I don't like quiet. There was a time that if I tried to pray for more than ten minutes I would find myself falling asleep. The thought of spending an entire day, much less a weekend without other people, on a silent retreat where all I was to do was  listen carefully for the Lord, to be talking with him seemed impossible. Yet, today, I love to pray and I try to schedule quarterly silent retreats. These are just two ways Libby has changed my life because I turned toward her. There are countless others.

Of course, sometimes letting someone influence you isn't always pleasant. Letting someone influence you means you have to be vulnerable. It's leaving yourself open, defenseless. It will bring great blessings, but you will also get hurt. Why? Because no one is perfect. You married a sinner. They will hurt you. Sometimes in ignorance, sometimes with intent. But without this risk, and the hurt, there is no chance for happiness, joy, growth. There are several people I know who have dating many people, several for extended periods of time, but never have found someone to marry. When we have talked about the people they dated, there wasn't always a clear reason why then didn't move from dating to marriage. Mostly, it was about how they never felt the passion and connection they were hoping for. As I  look who my friends dated, I see some really great people. People who were mature, loving, who went on to have great marriages with others. In some cases I think my friends had impossibly high standards, they want to marry someone who doesn't exist in this world. But for a number of the people I known like this, I find myself wondering if part of the reason they haven't been able to commit to someone, to decide to marry is because they are unwilling to be vulnerable. To take the chance, to experience both the pain and joy that true intimacy with a fellow sinner brings.

Intimacy started with being open and honest with the other person. Not to hide things. I believe we should strive to live openly and honestly with all people, but it does  becomes much easier in the context of a committed relationship. Without a commitment, we have to wonder, if I show this part of myself, what will the other person do? Will I lose them? Will they reject me? If you have confidence in their commitment, it's much easier to reveal the things you find shameful, that embarrass you. If the other person has a commitment to love you, then when you open up, and share honestly, you have someone who will help you see those hurtful things be healed.

Honesty also means you have to let the other person know how they are influencing you. It's critical for your partner to know that they have an influence in your life, and how it's going. This affirms that they are important to you, and lets them know that they are playing a significant role in your life. Sometimes what you communicate will be can be painful for them, because you were hurt. Sometimes you will communicate in an inappropriate way that hurts them.  That's why you will need to successfully….

Deal with Conflicts

I recently heard someone say "You are guaranteed to marry the wrong person because no one on this earth can be your perfect match." I have never heard truer words. Lets face it, you are a sinner, your spouse is a sinner. This means that you will have conflict. If you don't have conflict it's because you are keeping a self protective cocoon around yourself that will prevent you from truly enjoying the relationship. You will hurt each other. It's a fact of life. The question is how do you respond. Successful marriages have learned how to deal with conflict. A key ingredient in this is to maintain respect for the other. To avoid contempt and distain. To be able to honor the other, even if you don't see eye to eye.  Alas, this is very hard to do, and we blow it all the time. That's why there are two key skills for us to learn.

Forgive

You will be hurt by your spouse. That is a given. The question is, what are you going to do? Some people will try to ignore the hurt, pretend like it didn't happen. The phrase "It's no big deal" is one way this approach is often communicated. The problem is if you have been hurt, saying "It's no big deal" is dishonest. You are lying to your friend, your spouse. Another approach to bury the offense. To stuff the hurt, the anger you  feel. The problem with this is that eventually the holding tank will overflow, and everything will come rushing out. Of course, some people just strike back which I assume you understand can be very damaging.

Rather that any of these responses, we are called to extend forgiveness. To choose to love the other person, and not take revenge. To love them, we need to have an accurate view, so we need to be able to be honest about their sin, their struggles. We look honestly at these flaws not to find holes in their armor, to be used as weapons but out of concern for them. To be a help. We are called to ask the question "How would Jesus love this dear person? How can I extend love and forgiven to them?"

Years ago a friend introduced me to a very powerful tool. He observed that conflict is never one sided. He suggested take a piece of paper, and divide it into two columns.  The first column is the list of ways the other person has hurt or wronged you.  The second column is the list of the ways you have wronged them. Make a list of all the ways the other person hurt you.  Once you have a complete list, consider for each of the ways you were hurt, how you responded. Was it's appropriate, or did you do something that hurt them in response. If your response was inappropriate, list that in the second column.  Now split the paper in half. In a bit, we will get to the page with the list of your offenses.

You have a detailed list of how they have hurt you. What do you do with this? It's time to put it aside. How best to do this varies person to person. Some people might find reading through the list, saying "I forgive you" for each item in their mind, and then tossing the paper in the trash sufficient. I know some people who burn the paper as a symbolic action. I know still others who write "Play for by the blood of Christ" over each item and then destroy the paper. The key is once you choose to forgive the person, that needs to be the end of it.

Apologize

At the heart of a truly apology is an acknowledgement that you are wrong. That you have sinned. I want to say "How hard can this be?  We know we are sinners." Yet, each of use knows how hard this is. We have our pride. Typically issues aren't just one sides, so a sense of fairness and justice can also stop us from apologizing, especially when we think the other person is more in the wrong.

We are called to apologize. To see ourselves clearly. To allow the Lord to show us when our attitudes aren't right and admit when we are wrong, when we have sinned. It shouldn't surprises us… we have been saved by grace. When we discover these things, we should turn to the Lord with a grateful heart. Thank Him for both making us aware of the issue, and for His loving forgiveness. Then we can turn to our spouse and apologize. When it's in our power, we should not just apologize, but make things right. Sometimes there is no way to "make it right", to undo the damage we have done. It will be up to the other person to decide what they will do.

Earlier I suggested that when you realize there has been a conflict to make a list, with one half the list being what you need to  forgive. The other half of the list, are the things you need to apologize for. Apologizes are typically best short, with no equivocation, nothing that could be interpreted as blame toward the other person. You apologize for what you said and did.

Resolution

Just because forgiveness has been extended, and apologizes have been made, doesn't mean an issue has been resolved. It just means that first aid has been applied to the wounds caused by inappropriate response to the conflict.

How to resolve conflict? In the context of a marriage, where we are called toward mutual sacrifice, I think the first question we have to as is "How important is this? Am I called to sacrifice?". A phrase stolen from the apostle Paul that Libby and I was use often is "Why not be wronged?". Why not choice to sacrifice a preference or a bit of freedom for the sake of another. When the issue is over something without weighty consequences, say the color of paint for a room, what movies to watch, etc, give preference to the one you have committed your life to. In the long run, you will reap great rewards.

The second key ingredient to resolving conflict is realizing everything doesn't need to be immediately resolved. We need to have patience. Understanding this does several things. First, it can let charged emotions settle down. Often, when we have had space, things become clear and what we think is a critical issue turns out not to be so important. Allow the influence you share with each other to have time to work.

Sometimes there will be disagreements that you can't seem to bridge. Something that each of you believe is very important, and can't seem to come to agreement on. In these cases, it's typically best to learn to agree to disagree. The key to this working is to treat the other with respect and honor. To acknowledge that even though you don't agree, that you can see and appreciate their perspective.

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. - Ephesians 4:31-32

Blessings of Marriage And Singleness

Let me start out and say something that I think is obvious but seems to be questioned these days. Marriage is good! For those who believe in the Bible, the argument is pretty easy to make, at least superfluously. God created marriage. God declared marriage good. End of story.  Of course, this can result in a very superficial understanding of marriage.  So lets look a bit deeper.

The question is: Why is marriage good? There are a host of reasons. There have been numerous talks, papers, and articles in the last few years about the benefits of being married. There is statistical data which indicates married couples are generally happier, healthier, live longer, get more sex, and tend to be more successful economically than their non-married peers. This is just the start of the benefits. In the future I will do a  post with pointers to this data. These are all good, but I would suggest they are secondary or side effects. Nice, but not the heart of the matter.

The Bible tells us that marriage was instituted in the earliest days of human history. The most important relationship that we find is a husband and a wife. God didn't first create a parent & child,  or siblings, He created a couple. As the man and women were given to each other God declared that they would  leave their families to form a new and unique family. They were called to a life long commitment of deep, abiding unity. These instructions were given even though Adam and Eve didn't have any human parents. God made this statement to set a pattern for the future.

Marriage is good because we were designed to be in relationship, community with others. We flourish when there is someone who is committed to loving us, and when there is someone for us to love. Abundance through mutual sacrifice. Marriage was designed to provide  a stable and loving environment for growth and nurture, to provide companionship, a primary building block for community. Marriage is intended to change us for the better. All of this is wonderful, but marriage was intended for even more than this. In the book of Ephesians we learn that God intended  marriage to be a living model of what Christ's relationship is like to those who follow after Him. A picture of new beginnings, of lives transformed and purified by sacrificial love. Marriage is intended to help us understand God's love for us, and as we understand God's ways more, so our understanding of marriage grows as well.

Marriage is something that is good, and it's appropriate to desire and seek. This doesn't mean it will be easy. If fact, anything truly valuable  requires work. Want to be a world class runner, you are going to have some painful training. Be a great painter, you are going to spend a lot of time in the studio. Have a great marriage, it's going to be work.

Here in the USA the path to marriage can be complex and somewhat convoluted. Typically it starts with that awkward dance of asking someone out, dating, engagement, and finally marriage. For many people, this process has several restarts, often involves painful rejection, dating relationship ending, "broken" and then healed hearts, etc. For some, broken engagements, and hardest of all, divorce after a marriage. There are some people who look at this hard road, read statistics about divorce, and think to themselves "being single isn't so bad". I might agree with people who reach this conclusion, but in most cases, I think they are wrong. In my experience, there are four  reasons people consider singleness, one is healthy, three are not.

Some people have given up on marriage because they expect failure. They have seen how destructive bad marriages can be. Maybe they are a child of a particularly nasty divorce. Maybe they know a number of people who have struggled in their marriages. To these people, I would say "don't give up". God created marriage. Marriages can, and do succeed. Don't let fear control you. Also, the odds aren't as bad as you might think. The statistic often thrown around is more than 50% of marriages end in divorce. Yet, not everyone has the same risk. There are populations with a much higher risk of divorce:  people married before 21 (issues of maturity), who haven't finished high school (are likely have a very hard time making it in the world), and the people who have divorced multiple times (life choices and patterns). The divorce rate for reasonably mature adults who enter a marriage for the first time is much lower. Divorce is not inevitable. It's also worth noting that while many marriages struggle, especially in their early years, through that struggle emerges maturity. There have been a number of surveys that have found the majority of struggling couples that keep at it are significantly happier after five years. They worked through hard things to find a real joy.

Some people avoid marriage  because they are afraid of losing their freedom, their autonomy, being able to be think only about themselves.  In a sense, they are right. A good marriage requires giving up some of your freedom, to give up seeking your personal fulfillment as your only goal, marriage will change you. In a world without a loving, caring God, giving these things up might not seem worth it. In the Christian world view, we are called to embrace God, to desire for Him to change us to become more like Jesus, to become people of love and faith. A good marriage will require letting go of selfishness, giving up some freedom, but it will be a force for good, that transforms our lives, makes us more holy.

Their are some people who would like to be married, but are afraid that they might marry the wrong person, so they have an approach / avoidance dynamic. I won't spend much time discussion this here, because I will explore this in more detail in a later post. I will just observe this is often because the person has an unrealistic, over idealistic views of marriage. A core truth I will repeatedly touch on in this set of posts  is that marriage is between two sinful people. This is the struggle, and also the heart of growth we all experience in marriage.

There is a good reason not to seek marriage. That you feel called by God to devote yourself to something else.  Paul taught in I Corinthians 7 that there are advantages to being single. This was a radical idea and very much went against the culture of time which believed that a life wasn't complete until you were marriage and had children. What are those advantages? That the single person can devote themselves fully to following after God, to a specific task or ministry. Single people have fewer concerns and worries. Often times, this is for just a season of life. For example, when people are very young, it's likely not a season to consider marriage, or even dating… there is the basic task of growing up, they don't have the maturity to succeed. Sometimes, people feel called to a specific task or ministry that will be all consuming, for example, a 1-2 year intensive internship just after college or work on a difficult mission field or a ministry that is best faced as a single person. This doesn't mean marriage should never be pursued, just that it's not in season.

Sometimes people are called to singleness for more than a season, for all their life. Paul taught that a single person can be more whole hearted in there following God. I know several people who felt called to stay single. Though single, they didn't feel a sense of deprivation, and they weren't alone. They were part of a community which provided the intimacy, companionship, and the shared purpose that you find in a good marriage. They were involved in people's lives, and people where involved in their life.

I loved being married. Libby's and my marriage was a blessing to both of us, and I believe the community we were a part of. I would love to be married again, but in this season of life I have realized that I am called to be single.  I have a teenage daughter who needs my full attention and who needs space to be able to grief the lose of her  mother. For this season, I can't consider dating much less marriage. I have no idea if this is just for a season or the rest of life, and that is ok. I need to live in the present, and not worry about what might be in the future. What ever comes, I am confident that God will provide what I need.

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”

Genesis 2:18

Reflections on Marriage and Relationships

In the last six months I have found myself spending a great deal of time thinking and talking with friends about the nature of marriage. Part of this was because I was involved in two Bible studies which covers Genesis 2, and Ephesians 5, two of the great passages in the Bible about marriage. Additionally, I have been part of a study for young adults which has been looking at what the Bible says about relationships. Beyond these things though,  I have been trying to make sense of life in the face of losing my best friend and wife of 27 years to cancer.

I felt one of the best ways to honor Libby would be to live, to have a heart filled with gratitude and appreciation for life. What better place to start than to think through all the ways that Libby had been a blessing. For though I feel her lost acutely, how much worse would it have been to not had those many years together. As time has passed, I have found myself reflecting on not just our shared life, but considering the marriages of our friends, family, mentors, and reflecting on nearly 30 years walking along side college students and young couples as they prepared and then started their own marriages.

In the midst of working through my grief, sorrow, and joy, I found myself spending time with a diverse set of people. Young adults who are trying to figure out what the future might hold and who are gaining wisdom, older singles wondering if love and marriage was going to pass them by,  married couples who wanted to support and encourage me,  friends going through difficult times in their marriages, and other men who had lost their wives to cancer. With each of these groups, conversations often turned to relationships, dating and/or marriage.

Much of what follows started out as notes I made for myself, trying to understand what I was going through, to examine my perspective and try to see things through God's eyes.  Some of this content started as email to friends who were wrestling with their relationships. In the last couple of months I found myself wondering if it might be useful to share some of what I am learning. I have been slowly trying to turn notes written for myself into something that others could read and understand. Initially I was planning to do a single blog post, but I realized that this is a topic which is too big for a single post. So in the next week or so I will be posting a blog entry every day or so.  I am sure this isn't  complete… think of it as an alpha release. But you have to ship at some point. I figured starting on mother's day would be appropriate.

• The Blessing of Marriage and Being Single
• What Makes a Good Marriage
• Romance, Enemy of Intimacy?
• The Importance of Being on the Same Spiritual Journey
• Critical Perspective for Successful Dating
• Good Books about Dating

I would like to revise this content and make it good. You can help me. I would greatly appreciate feedback. Send me mail, post comments, whatever you are comfortable doing.

Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17

Ironically, now that I have almost finished writing up my notes, a friend introduced me to a book that captures much of what I would say, with more style and clarity than I will likely bring to the subject.  I would highly recommend the book The Meaning of Marriage by the Kellers. If you aren't a book person, there is a video of Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage Books@Google talk which is a quick summary of the most important points. While there are numerous good books, some of which will cover one topic or another in more depth,  the Kellers' book is the single best book I have found.

Relational Openness and Delightful Surprises

Everyone I know want to opportunity to choose their long term relationships, be it coworkers, friends, or spouse which is very understandable. I have notice that this desire extends to the more transitory, day to day interactions. Most of us have a tendency to orient our lives so that our interactions will be pleasant, comforting, encouraging, or inspiring. I wonder though if that is how we should live life.

I wonder if we are called to interact with, to love all the people who come across our path. Without partiality, without bias, or prejudice. Now some might say "Everyone? How can that work? I have things to do. I have people I have made a commitment to. I can't interact with anyone who crosses my path." But this makes me think about the parable of the good Samaritan. What distinguished the good Samaritan from the others in the story? When someone in need was in his path, he stopped and helped. The others in the parable very well might have had important things to attend to… but the circumstances, I would argue God, wanted them to update their plans, and they refused. What sort of help will you be asked to offer? I can't say, I have confidence though, if you open your heart, God's Spirit will lead you. I will suggest a good starting point. Ask yourself "If I was in this situation, what would I hope someone would do for me?"

The Bible is filled with admonitions about how we should love one another, how we should encourage one another. These commands are not optional. They aren't about people we are comfortable with. They are about how we treat everyone. The people that rub us the wrong way? Love them. People who we are attracted to? Love them. People we don't understand? Love them. People who have been kind to us? Love them.

Being open to interact with people cuts both ways. Not only is it about being open to love others, but it is being open to let others speak into our lives. We never know who God will be raising up to speak into our live, or who God will call to love us. We never know how God will get our attention, maybe it will be a talking Ass. In the book Spiritual Leadership, J. Oswald Sanders talked about how we should be prepared to take input, criticism, from anyone, even when they seemed to have bad motives. He would pray "God, show me what I can learn from this interaction".  He was convinced that even if the issue the person brought to him was off, there was something to be learned from the interaction. I think one of the biggest mistakes we make is wanting to choose how God will speak into our lives, how we will be loved. We want to choose who and when. God wants us to be open to His work.

Going to church was very hard the first few weeks after Libby died. Just getting to a seat felt like I was walking a gauntlet. So many people seemed to feel compelled to go out of their way to talk with me, to say something. Quite frankly, it seems like a large portion of these people were moved by something, pity, guilt, obligation… whatever it was, it didn't feel like compassion or love. These were interactions I dreaded and the preponderance of them made it hard to go to church. But there were other interactions, where I felt loved, understand, where there was deep compassion being expressed by the other person. The surprising thing was I couldn't predict which interactions would be a blessing, and which would be hard. The most comforting interactions were not necessarily the people who knew me best or who were most like me. One of the interactions that touched me the most deeply was a gentleman who is part of our recovery ministry. I don't know his name, I don't think we had ever talked before. But as I walked into the church came up to me, put his arm over my shoulder and said "It's hard. I am praying for you." That's it. We stood side by side for a minute, and the moment was complete. I thanked him, and then we went on our way… but my day was infinitely better. In that brief moment I knew he understood my pain and he cared for me. This was a 2 Cor 1 moment, he was comforting me with the comfort he had received. Such a blessing.

Do we make ourselves available to bless or be blessed by others? Recently I have been challenged to be more present in day to day life. To be looking for who God might bring across my path. So I have been trying to keep my eyes wide open. I have been trying a simple experiment. To make eye contact with each person that crosses my path, to smile, and to say a quick prayer for them in my heart, and see what happens. More than half the people I cross paths with outside of church don't make eye contact. Of those who will make eye contact, less than half are comfortable with more than a glance, and of those remaining, only a fraction are comfortable returning the smile. I wonder what this says about our society. I wonder if this isn't one way we can make a difference in this world, a small way to be salt and light. Sometimes this brief greeting and pray is all that has happen. Sometimes though, I found the circumstances, the Lord, wanted more. Compared to the good Samaritan, my experiences during this experiment have seems small. Providing a place for a young man to sleep and get his bearings, escorting  several people who were new to our country to a destination they were having trouble finding, encouraging a new friend who is going through a very tough time. The costs haven't been much. Feeding someone a few meals, getting sunburned arms, delaying a task by a few hours. I hope that someday God will allow me the privilege of doing something dramatic like the good Samaritan. Until then, I will continue to keep my eyes open, and hold my plans loosely and love the people who cross my path.

Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it.

Hebrews 13:1-2 

Three Recommended Books on Dating

Seems like I have been talking with a number of younger folks who are figuring out what "Christian" dating means. This may, or may not be connected to our young adult fellowship being in the middle of a series which is looking at relationships which includes dating. A couple of weeks ago I started to write up what was to be a short post about dating and marriage based on my  experience with Libby and many years serving college age students and young married couples. There are so many interconnected issues. It was clear that it was going to be a bit before I posted anything. In the mean time, I thought it might be useful to suggest two books. UPDATE: make that three books. I would recommend reading the first two books as a pair because they compliment each other well. For folks in YAF… you would be welcome to borrow either of these books, just send me email.

Dating and Waiting - William Risk

This book was written while Bill was attending to PBC Palo Alto. Anyone who knows Bill will hear his voice and immediately recognize his wit. I found this to be the most gracious book I have read on the topic of dating. Unlike many books on dating which focus on the mechanics or rules for dating, this book asks the reader to consider what God is doing in their heart. Each chapter ends with a short list of questions which are appropriate for both people in a dating relationship and those who are single. I appreciated the gentle way the book encouraged the reader to evaluate their values and priorities in dating, as well as the strong emphasis that what we seek can only be found in God. There are several chapters which explore how being single, and that "waiting" can be rich times that God uses to grow and change us. As with every every Christian book on dating there is a chapter about appropriate attitudes / restraint in the physical / sexual realm and a discussion of why it is important to be dating someone who shares a vital Christian life.

Spiritual Relationships That Last, What the Bible Says About Dating and Marriage - McCallum & Delashmutt

This book is written by two of the pastor / elders of the church Libby and I attended when we lived in Columbus. This book captures much of what guided Libby and I as we dating. I believe the guidance was sound, and what we learn during this time in our lives provided a framework that enabled our marriage to thrive in the midst of difficulty.

This is not a book to make you feel warm and fuzzy about dating or marriage. Rather, it a practical book that will challenge you to grow in your ability to love others, and by doing that, become prepared to have a successful marriage. The first chapter is a critique of modern society's infatuation with "romantic love" which is pleasant but unable to sustain a relationship in the long run.

The authors suggest that the only force sufficient to produce lasting relationships is sacrificial, agape love. The key to a successful marriage? "... is not to find the right person, but to become the right person: a person who has learned to practice Christian love at the most intimate level". A simple framework is provided to think about how one builds relationship: shared experience, understanding the persons inner workings, and emotional sharing. Building strong same-sex friendships develops skills that are critical to lasting marriages. It is often easier to gauge growth in these friendship rather than romantic relationships, because when romance is involved, things often seem better, deeper, more intimate than they actually are.

The next section of the book discusses how important it is for both people in a relationship to be equally yoked (sharing the same spiritual beliefs and commitments), and that both parties are vitally involved in the life of people in church, serving others both as individuals and as a couple. The book next moves into what is the appropriate perspective on sexual love suggesting appropriate boundaries are about attitude. The book concludes with several chapters that discuss how to deal with baggage from past relationship and life choices. I believe this is a very valuable book, but it can be applied in a  external fashion, and fails short in conveying how God's at the center on things in a very personal way. Bill's book nicely addresses this deficit.

The Meaning of Marriage by the Kellers.  This is the single best book I have found on the topic of marriage.  I will update the entry in the future with a brief summary

Other Materials?

While not ready for prime time, if you are looking for other books about relationships, you might want to look the books I have tagged relationships on goodreads.  This list is incomplete right now, but in the next week or so I should finish updating this list with notes I have made over the years.

Myers Briggs Useful, But Love Rules

I was first introduced to Myers Briggs in 1981 when I read the book Please Understand Me. I did the sorter and found myself classified as an ENFJ. The rest of this posting assumes you know something about Myers-Briggs. If you don't, I would recommend giving the type sorter a try, and read a bit about what the letters I/E, S/N, T/F, J/P mean, and how these attributes break into four personality types which are nicely summarized on a wikipedia page about Keirsey Types. Actually, the description and sorter above is Keirsey's which is very similar to Myers Briggs, but differs in emphasis which is nicely explained on the wikipedia page.

When I read the description of the ENFJ I found myself surprised and delighted. Surprised that it seemed to be such an accurate description of my inner life which I thought no one understood, and delighted because I generally liked the description. My pleasure with the description of the ENFJ would often produce annoyance in Libby. She would say to me "You know, not all of the things that are in that description are good?  You understand this, right?" My words might have been "Yes", but in my heart I had a very hard time seeing where there might be problems. If anything, the problem was that I was not fully embracing my ENFJ-ness. Reading the book was good in that it helped me understand people who were quite different from me.

A few years ago my copy of the Please Understand Me fell apart, so I picked up the current version of the book, appropriately called Please Understand Me II. As Libby and I were talking about the material, our daughter Helen asked if she could take the test. She was young, maybe  eight, we weren't sure how accurate the test would be, but we said sure. She tested out as a INFJ, the introvert version of me. This seemed to match what I had observed in Helen's life. For the next several years, assuming Helen was an INFJ colored how I interpreted her actions and words.

In the last few months I pulled Please Understand Me II out. I am thinking through what I want to do in the second half of my life. I figured reviewing my core personality type would likely help me navigate this season of change. As I read through my description this time I found myself asking questions I don't think I have asked before. For each personality feature described I asked two questions:

1. Does this describe wholeness as God has intended, a life of love and impact, or is this something that is broken or corrupted, that falls short of what God would desire?
2. How does fully embracing this aspect of my personality effect life? Does it result in something good, does it result in being more loving, or is it likely to bring problems? I was careful to think through the full consequences, because while the immediate results could be good, several things could easily become idols that would result in an unhealthy life. 

Libby would have been happy. For maybe the first time I could honestly say "Yes, I realize that everything here isn't good." Doing this exercise has been very helpful. Over the next couple of weeks I found myself thinking about the people I was interacting with and asking the question, what type are they? How are they looking at life differently from me. As Helen and I talked about Myers Briggs, she wanted to do the test again, wondering if she had changed. She still sorted as an INFJ. As Helen read the description of the INFJ she often said "Yes, I do this", but something didn't seem quite right. Helen's F was just slightly higher than the T score, so I suggested Helen read the description of the INTJ. The number of times she said "Yes, I do this" was about the same, but her countenance was completely different. When she said "Yes, I do this" she would have a huge grin. It wasn't just a recognition of the description, but a pleasure in the description. Clearly the sorter is fallible.

Over the next week Helen and I ended up talking about Myers-Briggs quite a bit and developed a theory about why the sorter misclassified her. We decided we were seeing a nature/nurture dynamic.  Helen's core nature likely had a very strong "T" component, but that she was raised by parents who were very strongly "F". We encouraged her to develop a strong sense of empathy, to cherish compassion, even if justice (fairness) might suffer. In her younger life, Helen was a compliant child. She trying to act as instructed, she tried to please her parents, so she looked like she was strongly "F". Helen's no longer a young child. She is a young women who has really found her own voice. Yes, she continues to value many of the things she learned from Libby and me, but she is her own person. She believes compassion is important, but for her, telling things as they are… even if that might hurt someone, and caring deeply about justice has taken on an increased importance.

Realizing that Helen is fundamentally different from me has been such a relief, and been so helpful. In the last few years I would sometimes hear  Helen say things that would shock me. My reaction was "How can she be so ruthless, so brutal?" I found myself being concerned about her heart. You see, if I said some of those things it wouldn't be truth speaking. The only way I could say some of those things would be if I was bitter and really angry. But Helen is different from me. Saying these things isn't an indication of a heart problem, it's just telling it as it is. As I reflect on this more, I realize that Helen continued to practice compassion, to treat people well, it was just the way she talked about issues that seemed brutal. All sorts of things have become clear. We have been talking a bit about future plans, college majors, careers. I had been surprised by her preferences and tried to steer her more toward areas that I know would be good for someone with a personality like me. The thing is, Helen has a different personality. The majors / professions Helen has expressed an interest in make sense realizing she is an NT (Rationalist) rather than an NF (Idealist). It's  been funny to see how our differences work out in all sorts of ways.  For example, she loves characters in books and movies who are extreme caricatures of rationalists like Sherlock Holmes and House. I have mixed feelings about these characters. On the one hand I find them challenging / simulating, one the other, they drive me crazy.

Of course, personality is only one piece of the puzzle when it comes to career or life choices. When I look at recommended careers for an ENFJ, many are variations of either teacher or therapist, careers that focus on personal interaction and soft skills. The recommended short list does not include engineering or other fields that focus on analytics skills because they are not something that are nature strengths for my Idealists. Yet I have found myself not only in a field which tends toward analytics, but deeply involved in projects that specialize in collecting and analyzing hard data. When working in the physics department, I was regularly mistaken for a physics postdoc. I lead numerous initiatives related to developing hard metrics or applying statistical analysis to a complex problem set. Two of my favorite phrases when looking at problems are "Objectivity is your friend" and "If you can't measure it, it not real". This sort of scientific approach spills into personal life. Over the years we have purchase highly sensitive thermal probes, scales, sound spectrum analyzers, etc so we could get real data to make decisions.

So what's going on? Like Helen, it's a nurture thing. My dad was a scientist and engineer. When I was growing up, I wanted to be just like him. Even when it was clear I wasn't exactly like him, I still desired to follow as closely in his shoes as I could because I very much respected him and liked his values and approach to life. Math and science didn't come easily to me in school the way things like political science and sociology did, but I was willing to fight to learn the material.

What am I doing with this? I am working to appreciate these personality fueled differences. People are different. This is something to cherish and embrace.  I am finding identifying how people are different makes it easier to be gracious with them as well as to recognize their strengths. I think it's helping me to be encouraging rather than critical.  In essence, it makes it easier to love people. And yet, while these differences have significant consequences, they all pale when compared to mature love which all personality types are capable… and that should be our goal. Not to become more ENFJ, or whatever personality type someone is, but to learn to love and serve others. In the book of Corinthians, Paul wrote about how people were given different gifts, and how it was good to have the diversity.  But he concludes in the following way:

And I show you a still more excellent way. If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing. Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

I Cor 12:31-13:13