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Monday, April 23, 2012

Relational Openness and Delightful Surprises

Everyone I know want to opportunity to choose their long term relationships, be it coworkers, friends, or spouse which is very understandable. I have notice that this desire extends to the more transitory, day to day interactions. Most of us have a tendency to orient our lives so that our interactions will be pleasant, comforting, encouraging, or inspiring. I wonder though if that is how we should live life.

I wonder if we are called to interact with, to love all the people who come across our path. Without partiality, without bias, or prejudice. Now some might say "Everyone? How can that work? I have things to do. I have people I have made a commitment to. I can't interact with anyone who crosses my path." But this makes me think about the parable of the good Samaritan. What distinguished the good Samaritan from the others in the story? When someone in need was in his path, he stopped and helped. The others in the parable very well might have had important things to attend to… but the circumstances, I would argue God, wanted them to update their plans, and they refused. What sort of help will you be asked to offer? I can't say, I have confidence though, if you open your heart, God's Spirit will lead you. I will suggest a good starting point. Ask yourself "If I was in this situation, what would I hope someone would do for me?"

The Bible is filled with admonitions about how we should love one another, how we should encourage one another. These commands are not optional. They aren't about people we are comfortable with. They are about how we treat everyone. The people that rub us the wrong way? Love them. People who we are attracted to? Love them. People we don't understand? Love them. People who have been kind to us? Love them.

Being open to interact with people cuts both ways. Not only is it about being open to love others, but it is being open to let others speak into our lives. We never know who God will be raising up to speak into our live, or who God will call to love us. We never know how God will get our attention, maybe it will be a talking Ass. In the book Spiritual Leadership, J. Oswald Sanders talked about how we should be prepared to take input, criticism, from anyone, even when they seemed to have bad motives. He would pray "God, show me what I can learn from this interaction".  He was convinced that even if the issue the person brought to him was off, there was something to be learned from the interaction. I think one of the biggest mistakes we make is wanting to choose how God will speak into our lives, how we will be loved. We want to choose who and when. God wants us to be open to His work.

Going to church was very hard the first few weeks after Libby died. Just getting to a seat felt like I was walking a gauntlet. So many people seemed to feel compelled to go out of their way to talk with me, to say something. Quite frankly, it seems like a large portion of these people were moved by something, pity, guilt, obligation… whatever it was, it didn't feel like compassion or love. These were interactions I dreaded and the preponderance of them made it hard to go to church. But there were other interactions, where I felt loved, understand, where there was deep compassion being expressed by the other person. The surprising thing was I couldn't predict which interactions would be a blessing, and which would be hard. The most comforting interactions were not necessarily the people who knew me best or who were most like me. One of the interactions that touched me the most deeply was a gentleman who is part of our recovery ministry. I don't know his name, I don't think we had ever talked before. But as I walked into the church came up to me, put his arm over my shoulder and said "It's hard. I am praying for you." That's it. We stood side by side for a minute, and the moment was complete. I thanked him, and then we went on our way… but my day was infinitely better. In that brief moment I knew he understood my pain and he cared for me. This was a 2 Cor 1 moment, he was comforting me with the comfort he had received. Such a blessing.

Do we make ourselves available to bless or be blessed by others? Recently I have been challenged to be more present in day to day life. To be looking for who God might bring across my path. So I have been trying to keep my eyes wide open. I have been trying a simple experiment. To make eye contact with each person that crosses my path, to smile, and to say a quick prayer for them in my heart, and see what happens. More than half the people I cross paths with outside of church don't make eye contact. Of those who will make eye contact, less than half are comfortable with more than a glance, and of those remaining, only a fraction are comfortable returning the smile. I wonder what this says about our society. I wonder if this isn't one way we can make a difference in this world, a small way to be salt and light. Sometimes this brief greeting and pray is all that has happen. Sometimes though, I found the circumstances, the Lord, wanted more. Compared to the good Samaritan, my experiences during this experiment have seems small. Providing a place for a young man to sleep and get his bearings, escorting  several people who were new to our country to a destination they were having trouble finding, encouraging a new friend who is going through a very tough time. The costs haven't been much. Feeding someone a few meals, getting sunburned arms, delaying a task by a few hours. I hope that someday God will allow me the privilege of doing something dramatic like the good Samaritan. Until then, I will continue to keep my eyes open, and hold my plans loosely and love the people who cross my path.

Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it.

Hebrews 13:1-2 

Sunday, April 22, 2012

transform common regrets into commands for life

In the last  month or so I have repeatedly seen a list of the 5 most common regrets a hospice nurse has heard people express at the end of their lives. Paul Graham smartly turn this into a short list of commands which he keeps at the top of the todo list. Paul's commands are:
  • Don't ignore your dreams
  • don't work too much
  • say what you think
  • cultivate friendships
  • be happy
It's rare that I feel  I can improve any article Paul has posted, but this time I would suggest a more active and expansive version of Paul's commands would be appropriate.  For me the list is:
  • pursue your calling… because sometimes you are called to something that goes beyond what you can dream
  • practice sabbath… because not working is not the same as resting
  • speak the truth in love… because we need to consider how our words effect those we speak to
  • cultivate friendships, but be receptive to all people… In my next post I will share a bit about how being open to surprises can be good.
  • embrace joy and gratitude… which can occur even if circumstances are hard
all of which feeds into the most important: grow in love
"Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?”
And Jesus said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind." This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."
Matthew 22:36-39 

Monday, April 16, 2012

Three Recommended Books on Dating

Seems like I have been talking with a number of younger folks who are figuring out what "Christian" dating means. This may, or may not be connected to our young adult fellowship being in the middle of a series which is looking at relationships which includes dating. A couple of weeks ago I started to write up what was to be a short post about dating and marriage based on my  experience with Libby and many years serving college age students and young married couples. There are so many interconnected issues. It was clear that it was going to be a bit before I posted anything. In the mean time, I thought it might be useful to suggest two books. UPDATE: make that three books. I would recommend reading the first two books as a pair because they compliment each other well. For folks in YAF… you would be welcome to borrow either of these books, just send me email.

Dating and Waiting - William Risk

This book was written while Bill was attending to PBC Palo Alto. Anyone who knows Bill will hear his voice and immediately recognize his wit. I found this to be the most gracious book I have read on the topic of dating. Unlike many books on dating which focus on the mechanics or rules for dating, this book asks the reader to consider what God is doing in their heart. Each chapter ends with a short list of questions which are appropriate for both people in a dating relationship and those who are single. I appreciated the gentle way the book encouraged the reader to evaluate their values and priorities in dating, as well as the strong emphasis that what we seek can only be found in God. There are several chapters which explore how being single, and that "waiting" can be rich times that God uses to grow and change us. As with every every Christian book on dating there is a chapter about appropriate attitudes / restraint in the physical / sexual realm and a discussion of why it is important to be dating someone who shares a vital Christian life.


This book is written by two of the pastor / elders of the church Libby and I attended when we lived in Columbus. This book captures much of what guided Libby and I as we dating. I believe the guidance was sound, and what we learn during this time in our lives provided a framework that enabled our marriage to thrive in the midst of difficulty.

This is not a book to make you feel warm and fuzzy about dating or marriage. Rather, it a practical book that will challenge you to grow in your ability to love others, and by doing that, become prepared to have a successful marriage. The first chapter is a critique of modern society's infatuation with "romantic love" which is pleasant but unable to sustain a relationship in the long run.

The authors suggest that the only force sufficient to produce lasting relationships is sacrificial, agape love. The key to a successful marriage? "... is not to find the right person, but to become the right person: a person who has learned to practice Christian love at the most intimate level". A simple framework is provided to think about how one builds relationship: shared experience, understanding the persons inner workings, and emotional sharing. Building strong same-sex friendships develops skills that are critical to lasting marriages. It is often easier to gauge growth in these friendship rather than romantic relationships, because when romance is involved, things often seem better, deeper, more intimate than they actually are.

The next section of the book discusses how important it is for both people in a relationship to be equally yoked (sharing the same spiritual beliefs and commitments), and that both parties are vitally involved in the life of people in church, serving others both as individuals and as a couple. The book next moves into what is the appropriate perspective on sexual love suggesting appropriate boundaries are about attitude. The book concludes with several chapters that discuss how to deal with baggage from past relationship and life choices. I believe this is a very valuable book, but it can be applied in a  external fashion, and fails short in conveying how God's at the center on things in a very personal way. Bill's book nicely addresses this deficit.

The Meaning of Marriage by the Kellers.  This is the single best book I have found on the topic of marriage.  I will update the entry in the future with a brief summary
Other Materials?

While not ready for prime time, if you are looking for other books about relationships, you might want to look the books I have tagged relationships on goodreads.  This list is incomplete right now, but in the next week or so I should finish updating this list with notes I have made over the years.

Monday, April 09, 2012

Myers Briggs Useful, But Love Rules

I was first introduced to Myers Briggs in 1981 when I read the book Please Understand Me. I did the sorter and found myself classified as an ENFJ. The rest of this posting assumes you know something about Myers-Briggs. If you don't, I would recommend giving the type sorter a try, and read a bit about what the letters I/E, S/N, T/F, J/P mean, and how these attributes break into four personality types which are nicely summarized on a wikipedia page about Keirsey Types. Actually, the description and sorter above is Keirsey's which is very similar to Myers Briggs, but differs in emphasis which is nicely explained on the wikipedia page.

When I read the description of the ENFJ I found myself surprised and delighted. Surprised that it seemed to be such an accurate description of my inner life which I thought no one understood, and delighted because I generally liked the description. My pleasure with the description of the ENFJ would often produce annoyance in Libby. She would say to me "You know, not all of the things that are in that description are good?  You understand this, right?" My words might have been "Yes", but in my heart I had a very hard time seeing where there might be problems. If anything, the problem was that I was not fully embracing my ENFJ-ness. Reading the book was good in that it helped me understand people who were quite different from me.

A few years ago my copy of the Please Understand Me fell apart, so I picked up the current version of the book, appropriately called Please Understand Me II. As Libby and I were talking about the material, our daughter Helen asked if she could take the test. She was young, maybe  eight, we weren't sure how accurate the test would be, but we said sure. She tested out as a INFJ, the introvert version of me. This seemed to match what I had observed in Helen's life. For the next several years, assuming Helen was an INFJ colored how I interpreted her actions and words.

In the last few months I pulled Please Understand Me II out. I am thinking through what I want to do in the second half of my life. I figured reviewing my core personality type would likely help me navigate this season of change. As I read through my description this time I found myself asking questions I don't think I have asked before. For each personality feature described I asked two questions:
  1. Does this describe wholeness as God has intended, a life of love and impact, or is this something that is broken or corrupted, that falls short of what God would desire?
  2. How does fully embracing this aspect of my personality effect life? Does it result in something good, does it result in being more loving, or is it likely to bring problems? I was careful to think through the full consequences, because while the immediate results could be good, several things could easily become idols that would result in an unhealthy life. 
Libby would have been happy. For maybe the first time I could honestly say "Yes, I realize that everything here isn't good." Doing this exercise has been very helpful. Over the next couple of weeks I found myself thinking about the people I was interacting with and asking the question, what type are they? How are they looking at life differently from me. As Helen and I talked about Myers Briggs, she wanted to do the test again, wondering if she had changed. She still sorted as an INFJ. As Helen read the description of the INFJ she often said "Yes, I do this", but something didn't seem quite right. Helen's F was just slightly higher than the T score, so I suggested Helen read the description of the INTJ. The number of times she said "Yes, I do this" was about the same, but her countenance was completely different. When she said "Yes, I do this" she would have a huge grin. It wasn't just a recognition of the description, but a pleasure in the description. Clearly the sorter is fallible.

Over the next week Helen and I ended up talking about Myers-Briggs quite a bit and developed a theory about why the sorter misclassified her. We decided we were seeing a nature/nurture dynamic.  Helen's core nature likely had a very strong "T" component, but that she was raised by parents who were very strongly "F". We encouraged her to develop a strong sense of empathy, to cherish compassion, even if justice (fairness) might suffer. In her younger life, Helen was a compliant child. She trying to act as instructed, she tried to please her parents, so she looked like she was strongly "F". Helen's no longer a young child. She is a young women who has really found her own voice. Yes, she continues to value many of the things she learned from Libby and me, but she is her own person. She believes compassion is important, but for her, telling things as they are… even if that might hurt someone, and caring deeply about justice has taken on an increased importance.

Realizing that Helen is fundamentally different from me has been such a relief, and been so helpful. In the last few years I would sometimes hear  Helen say things that would shock me. My reaction was "How can she be so ruthless, so brutal?" I found myself being concerned about her heart. You see, if I said some of those things it wouldn't be truth speaking. The only way I could say some of those things would be if I was bitter and really angry. But Helen is different from me. Saying these things isn't an indication of a heart problem, it's just telling it as it is. As I reflect on this more, I realize that Helen continued to practice compassion, to treat people well, it was just the way she talked about issues that seemed brutal. All sorts of things have become clear. We have been talking a bit about future plans, college majors, careers. I had been surprised by her preferences and tried to steer her more toward areas that I know would be good for someone with a personality like me. The thing is, Helen has a different personality. The majors / professions Helen has expressed an interest in make sense realizing she is an NT (Rationalist) rather than an NF (Idealist). It's  been funny to see how our differences work out in all sorts of ways.  For example, she loves characters in books and movies who are extreme caricatures of rationalists like Sherlock Holmes and House. I have mixed feelings about these characters. On the one hand I find them challenging / simulating, one the other, they drive me crazy.

Of course, personality is only one piece of the puzzle when it comes to career or life choices. When I look at recommended careers for an ENFJ, many are variations of either teacher or therapist, careers that focus on personal interaction and soft skills. The recommended short list does not include engineering or other fields that focus on analytics skills because they are not something that are nature strengths for my Idealists. Yet I have found myself not only in a field which tends toward analytics, but deeply involved in projects that specialize in collecting and analyzing hard data. When working in the physics department, I was regularly mistaken for a physics postdoc. I lead numerous initiatives related to developing hard metrics or applying statistical analysis to a complex problem set. Two of my favorite phrases when looking at problems are "Objectivity is your friend" and "If you can't measure it, it not real". This sort of scientific approach spills into personal life. Over the years we have purchase highly sensitive thermal probes, scales, sound spectrum analyzers, etc so we could get real data to make decisions.

So what's going on? Like Helen, it's a nurture thing. My dad was a scientist and engineer. When I was growing up, I wanted to be just like him. Even when it was clear I wasn't exactly like him, I still desired to follow as closely in his shoes as I could because I very much respected him and liked his values and approach to life. Math and science didn't come easily to me in school the way things like political science and sociology did, but I was willing to fight to learn the material.

What am I doing with this? I am working to appreciate these personality fueled differences. People are different. This is something to cherish and embrace.  I am finding identifying how people are different makes it easier to be gracious with them as well as to recognize their strengths. I think it's helping me to be encouraging rather than critical.  In essence, it makes it easier to love people. And yet, while these differences have significant consequences, they all pale when compared to mature love which all personality types are capable… and that should be our goal. Not to become more ENFJ, or whatever personality type someone is, but to learn to love and serve others. In the book of Corinthians, Paul wrote about how people were given different gifts, and how it was good to have the diversity.  But he concludes in the following way:
And I show you a still more excellent way. If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing. Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
I Cor 12:31-13:13