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Sunday, October 09, 2011

Libby home with the Lord now

Early this morning Libby went home to be with the Lord.  As in life, she was tenacious in her passing.  It was peaceful, but she fought to stay with us as long as she could.  We already miss her terribly, but are so glad that the suffering is done and that she will never have to cry again, for feel terrible pain.  For the last day U2's "40" has been running through my head... though the phrase "how long" which isn't from Psalm 40 is what I was fixated on.  This morning I read the full Psalm which both comforted me and intensified my grief.

Psalm 40

I waited patiently for the LORD; 
he turned to me and heard my cry. 
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, 
out of the mud and mire; 
he set my feet on a rock 
and gave me a firm place to stand. 
He put a new song in my mouth, 
a hymn of praise to our God. 
Many will see and fear the LORD 
and put their trust in him.

Blessed is the one 
who trusts in the LORD, 
who does not look to the proud, 
to those who turn aside to false gods. 
Many, LORD my God, 
are the wonders you have done, 
the things you planned for us. 
None can compare with you; 
were I to speak and tell of your deeds, 
they would be too many to declare.

Sacrifice and offering you did not desire— 
but my ears you have opened— 
burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require. 
Then I said, “Here I am, I have come— 
it is written about me in the scroll. 
I desire to do your will, my God; 
your law is within my heart.”

proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly; 
I do not seal my lips, LORD, as you know. 
I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; 
I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help. 
I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness 
from the great assembly.

o not withhold your mercy from me, LORD; 
may your love and faithfulness always protect me. 
For troubles without number surround me; 
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. 
They are more than the hairs of my head, 
and my heart fails within me. 
Be pleased to save me, LORD; 
come quickly, LORD, to help me.

May all who want to take my life 
be put to shame and confusion; 
may all who desire my ruin 
be turned back in disgrace. 
May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!” 
be appalled at their own shame. 
But may all who seek you 
rejoice and be glad in you; 
may those who long for your saving help always say, 
“The LORD is great!”

But as for me, I am poor and needy; 
may the Lord think of me. 
You are my help and my deliverer; 
you are my God, do not delay.

Saturday, October 08, 2011

Last hours for Libby?


Gaye, our primary hospice nurse stopped by today, even though it's her day off. She believes based my Libby's breathing patterns and several other indicators that Libby is likely on her last hours. We have been jumping between being unspeakable sad, in a numb disbelief, and brief periods of joy as we remember together what a blessing Libby has been to us all an look forward to her struggle to end with her in Jesus' caring arms. We had a particularly nice bit of time with Gay, Janice, and Jon & Charina as Helen and I shared the story of the 5 bears.

Last night was very tough because Libby was having some trouble breathing and was coughing through the night. Some additional medicine and a repositioning seems to have made her more comfortable. Libby seems to be without pain for which we are very thankful.

We appreciate your prayers.

Mark

Friday, October 07, 2011

quiet and peaceful

Libby's strength is waning.  This is very hard, but we are so grateful that Libby is comfortable and at peace. This is a vast improvement from confusion and restlessness of Tuesday.  We can't begin to than you for your prayers.

Libby's body seems to be giving up the fight.  Her breathing is more erratic, and her limbs are generally not following orders, but Libby seems to be taking it in stride.  Yesterday afternoon we needed to move Libby to change the sheets. We asked if she could move her arm.  Nothing happen, though you could see concentration of her face.  We gave her time because we knew she wanted to try to do it herself.  After a minute or two she shifted her eyes to us.  I knew that look.  There was sadness but also a slight bit of humor.  When something is so absurd that you have to laugh. I asked "You you want us to help you move".  You could see in the eyes and the most slight nod the answer was "Yes please. The traitorous  arm is not following the orders."  Libby has a little Gumby which she tells me is a reminder "to be flexible". We really need to keep this in mind these days.

Even in the midst of this you can tell Libby is still there and listening. Most of the time she is laying back with her eyes closed. But sometimes something that is said as we share the day with her, maybe reading a note from one of you, or a visitor saying hello, or just reminiscing together as a family, her eye pop open and you can tell that she heard and wants to respond, even if she doesn't have the energy to say anything.  The sweetest thing is watching her face.  Until yesterday afternoon the full smile continued to bloom, though she is losing energy for even that.  Last night when Helen kissed her mom before going to bed you could see the smile in her eyes. Libby's lips only came up on one side but you knew it would have been a smile.  When I said goodnight, she tried to pucker her lips for a kiss. The lips didn't do what she wanted, but the message was clear.  This morning Libby still seems comfortable and is resting.  Her eyes are still loving, though she seems to have lost the strength to smile.

We continue to muddle along.  Folks have dropped off food which has been helpful for two reasons.  The first is that it's hard to get excited about cooking, I would rather be keeping Libby company.  Secondly, Libby is a much better cook that me.  I was reminded of that when I made a small cake this morning. The corners were a bit more crisp than they should be, and the middle was a bit softer than ideal... but it is reasonably tasty in will go well with the Grater's ice cream my mom arranged to be delivered here today.  So it will be cake and ice cream rather than our traditional popcorn when we watch NCIS tonight.

--Mark

Philippians 4:4-7

Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say, rejoice! Let everyone see your gentleness. The Lord is near! Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell your requests to God. And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

a brief respite

Today Libby had a good morning and early afternoon.  She had a sense of peace and wasn't confused.  We really appreciate your prayers.

Yesterday was a heartbreaking day.  Libby didn't want to drink anything.  Her breathing was very slow. She was confused and unable to communication without extreme effort. When she wasn't sleeping she seemed like she was in a different world. When people visited she was able to rouse for a minute or two to greet them, sometimes with a couple of mumbled words, sometimes just a look.  Then she  would fall back into the other world or into sleep.

Last night was the first night we had a nurse stay with us overnight as well as the first night Libby slept in the hospital bed that was just delivered. Libby, Helen, and I all slept reasonably well last night, and today has been much better.  The morning started with seeing a double rainbow through the window.  Better still, Libby has been much more alert.  She has even been able to utter several full sentences.  As you might expect, she wasn't inclined to use her energy to clearly ask for things like "I am hot, help me with the blankets", or "I would like to sit up more, please raise the bed". These things we were still left to interpret minute expressions. How did she use her worlds?  To bless others: express appreciate, tell people that she loved them, words from from her heart.  Libby has also been much less confused.  When talking with Libby, you could see the fire behind the eyes, even if the words were brief.

Libby spent the later morning with our friend Alice who have been a great help while I ran Helen to an appointment. This afternoon I read Libby emails, Facebook postings, and Caring Bridge guestbook entries that were left for Libby. She really appreciated the messages sent in by everyone. This was topped off by a Skype video call from our friend Laura who lives in Russia during which Libby found the energy to talk more than she has for several days.

We know that this won't last long, but for the time being, we are really enjoying BEING with Libby.

For the last year Libby has enjoyed  A Guide to Prayer For All Who Seek God. Today was the first day I was able to read the week's devotional to Libby.  I found it very appropriate, so I I will close with it's affirmation from John14:1-3:

Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.  In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. 

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

goodbyes coming fast

Last night we thought Libby had a couple of weeks.  Things seem to be progressing way faster than we expected.  We believe that we are counting the time remaining in a small number of days.  The hospice nurse observed that they often see with their younger patients that they stay at a high function level for longer, but when their strength fails then go downhill very quickly. This certainly seems to be what's going on.

This has been a very hard day so far.  Helen and I spent a good bit of the afternoon remembering what a blessing Libby has been to us, and reminding Libby how much of a blessing she is to us.  I would ask you to be praying for all of us to have a sense of peace, and confidence that Libby will be seeing something wondrous soon.

Rev 21
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth passed away, and there is no longer any sea. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, made ready as a bride adorned for her husband.  And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be anymourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.” And He who sits on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” And He said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true.”  Then He said to me, “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give to the one who thirsts from the spring of the water of life without cost. 

Monday, October 03, 2011

beginning of goodbyes

A bit more than a week ago  Libby's brother Andy, my sister Marilyn, and my mother Anne flew into town to visit and likely to say goodbye in person.  The following day we have a gathering with around 80 close friends.  We didn't plan a program of any sort, we just wanted to hang out with some dear friends.  We were delighted that a number of our friends who live in the bay area were able to stop by.  Our only regret was not being able to spend more time with each of the people there.  The time was made even more delightful but the appearance of several friends from out of town that we had no idea would be coming.  If that wasn't enough we had some very thoughtful friends who couldn't come (they are in Taiwan and Russia) , but ordered food or flowers which was delivered to the potluck.

The time at the "party" was bittersweet.  It's lovely to see friends and to introduce people who we love to each other.  At the same time, we couldn't escape the fact that this gathering was so Libby could attend one more party with friends, since it's unlikely she will be able to attend any more parties on this earth.

It looks like the timing of the party was fortuitous.  In the week that followed the party we have seen Libby's energy drop significantly. Libby more likely won't have been up for a party the following weekend.  Libby is spending an increasing amount of time either sleeping or resting in quiet.

The hospice folks provided a useful booklet that describes the process that people go through as they are releasing from this life. While none of us can know how much time is left, it seems that Libby is starting to show characteristics of someone whose time is counted in weeks rather than months.

The most pronounced thing is that she is easily confused and is having an increasingly hard time communicating.  At times this has been humorous, we have repeatedly laughed as a family, but it is also heartbreaking.  She is now struggle with a lot of routine tasks.  We have moved her from using a laptop to an iPad because she was finding she couldn't successfully use the laptop.  Windows, Outlook, and the Facebook Web UI were just too confusing.  Libby is still reading these a bit on the iPad but it's unlikely she will have the energy to generating email, Facebook posts, or CaringBridge messages.  I will try to keep things up for her.

People have asked what to pray for.  My request would be calmness and a sense of peace for us.  Three years ago Libby said "I am not done yet".  There were things she felt called to do, to finish.  In the last month or two Libby has had a quiet confidence that she has been able to do what she needed to do.  That God would take care of those things not yet finished.  I can see Libby's confidence in God's love, and that she is looking forward to His warm embrace.  She had a real sense of peace.  In the last few days the difficulties communicating and confusion about what is going on has taken away some of that peace.  We would ask that she recapture the peace she had been feeling.

--Mark

Psalm 8
The Lord’s Glory and Man’s Dignity.
For the choir director; on the Gittith. A Psalm of David. 
1 O Lord, our Lord, 
How majestic is Your name in all the earth, 
Who have displayed Your splendor above the heavens! 
2 From the mouth of infants and nursing babes You have established strength 
Because of Your adversaries, 
To make the enemy and the revengeful cease. 
3 When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, 
The moon and the stars, which You have ordained; 
4 What is man that You take thought of him, 
And the son of man that You care for him? 
5 Yet You have made him a little lower than God, 
And You crown him with glory and majesty! 
6 You make him to rule over the works of Your hands; 
You have put all things under his feet, 
7 All sheep and oxen, 
And also the beasts of the field, 
8 The birds of the heavens and the fish of the sea, 
Whatever passes through the paths of the seas. 
9 O Lord, our Lord, 
How majestic is Your name in all the earth!